In Here

Dear Diary,

April is here. Or it will be in a few hours. The last three months have been engulfed by an emotional fog that won't be bothered to fade away as expected. Life or fate has dragged me through some unfavourable suitations and my soul has been grinded to whatever comes after dust. Tears have found my pillows as I try to bury my face over and over again. The nights must have stolen the days' time and I need to empty this hold.

I heard a voice asking me how long as I freed a muted wail. How long I intend to stifle it and its asks. Salty pain might love the feel of my cheeks but the wreck it has caused in here will be someone else's mess to study and scrape off the floor if they want me. *But who would?* Another voice quickly follows. Before anger sweeps my being over my inner man, I take a second.

I don't know why I keep finding myself here. I mean stuck in here with this darkness and emptiness. Not sure why I choose mediocre either. Or the guilt. Or the shame. Especially the shame. But I too don't think anyone wants to be stuck in here with me. I who keeps fighting what good the earth and her nourishing energy sends my way only for me to be a caretaker of some broken souls while disregarding my broken one in the process.

Why I lean towards fixating on what I know too well I can never fix is still a mystery to me. I mean why obsess over what you can't resolve, change or possess? Crazy huh? That's me. Riding on the back left of the overthinkers bus. Tackling every single thought like I would day to day tasks. I ignore everything there is in my present and vow to die in the battle of getting answers. Then I prolong the fight for more answers on the answers at hand. Are we there yet? I keep asking. Never really knowing the destination though.

The trees wave and wave like Mwalim says but nothing in me celebrates their arms making such an effort. The birds sing but my headspace has no room for natures melodies. The wind whispers some good things too but my ears live for the lies I have been fed. I have wondered who would dare come find me but I don't want to be found also. Is there a way of letting in the light without necessary needing it? Is there a way of loving without actually auctioning this broken self?

And that is what is in here.