Dear Diary,
My silenced writer lies somewhere in my essence trying to find herself. T has been digging deep into my emotional triggers and she says that I need to embrace change. Be quick to adjusting to what comes after change has settled in as the new familiar. I am slow when it comes to soul entanglements. Slow while warming up to the idea of breaking the ice and even slower while undoing the existing ones. Healing for me is tideous and I have had to learn how to be patient with my own journeys.
I let go of journaling again. T is furious about it but repeating the same things to my therapist then to my diary is tiring. I don't see the sense in it. As I hate being where I am emotionally and I can't stand it. I just want to go back to zero entanglements while replenishing my self love. Practice kindness on myself. I seem to be forgetting how to do that.
The last few months have been hell. Unpredictable shit. The kind one thinks they are okay with one minute but they are not the next. A realm where one thinks they are calm but then they figure out they are not. Waves of pain crushing inside the chest like an angry sea. Slowly dying internally. Yet everything on the surface looks and feels numb. A soul living off poisoned blood.
The moon has adorned the nights in inspiring ways but I have been fearful of letting myself bleed in poetic spills. I have denied my poetic side a platform here as she speaks my truth. I haven't seen the need of being truthful with the eyes that will read this. I mean, are you interested in hearing about my pain all time? Its all I have been feeling.
I have deserted projects I have had in my mind like reintroducing myself on LeoFinance. Reactivating myself on Hive and Read.cash. I have not gone back to school. I haven't even touched my books in months. I have done nothing for my own betterment. You could say that sometimes it feels like I have been lazying around.
But the truth is that I haven't.
I have been parenting. Just because you are damaged emotionally or nursing a bruised ego doesn't mean you get to get a break from the duties of motherhood. No sir. Your children will still need a stable parent to guide them. They will expect you to listen and be there for them. Hardest shit ever! I can't tell you how many times my brood has walked in on me secretly bawling. And how quickly my faulty eyesight has been blamed upon. Adulting is a constant lie. I hate it.
I have also been resting. My body has been in pain for months and I couldn't allow myself to even sleep. Imagine denying yourself sleep. Sigh. That is changing slowly though.
I have also been researching about whatever crypto projects I feel are worth my zero experience. Visual exploration has read to my figuring out a few solid things. And one is crypto is infectious. In a good way.
On Saturday afternoon, I fought anxiety all the way to a book launch of a local author. This was my first event since 2019. So much has happened to me since then and for someone who deals with seasonal depression, it was huge as T puts it.
It is her third book and having read tonnes of her work on Facebook (In my country this is how most upcoming writers and authors 'market' themselves) I wanted her book (will share the experience later). It was my way of trying to get out of my comfort zone. Fighting to get back to my sunny self. And boy was it fun!
See you soon.
wambuku w.
