I wish I was Her

Have you ever felt envious to someone who is dear to you?

Does that thing called envy changed how you deal with that particular person?

Do you think that this negative feeling will ruin your relationship with her?

Those are just few questions that I am trying to answer on my own, but I myself can't find the solution from that personal problem.

I am aware of this feeling, that's why I want to get rid of it before it consume me. I hate it, I definitely hate it. I didn't hate the person but I hate how my heart feels when she succeed and reached her dreams. I feel like I was far from the race, and couldn't reach the finish line like she did.

I am not capable enough, even that so called fortune is not part of my league. I guess success hates me that much and maybe this is my fate.

I feel like I was burried deep down, and no one wants to notice my good sides since I am a suck up.

I envy her, I envy her so much. She had everything what it takes, while I am just lowly nobody. I don't want to be her friend anymore because a good-for-nothing person like me is out of her league. That's why this past few days I chose to keep my distance with her. I don't want to be compared, because it would only worsen the pain I tried to conceal on my own.

If you would asked me,

Why not open that problem of yours to her?

No, I would rather keep it this way. I don't want her to think that I feel so inferior when I'm with her. I don't want to disappoint her, and hate me too. I want to find various solutions on my own problem I don't want anybody to help me in this matter because they would only misinterpret me or worst spread some fake issues upon me.

This is the reality, and I only trust my own self as of now. This is for the better, and hopefully I can finally get rid of this situation. Not now but soon.

She is living my dream life, and if I will be given another chance to choose who I will become in my next life I wish I was HER. However, it is impossible to happen maybe in my dreams I can make it possible.

Still hoping that this struggle I am currently facing will fade as time goes by. I don't want to remain like this forever, because I love the person whom I envied.

By the way, SHE IS MY BESTFRIEND MY CHILDHOOD FRIEND. I treasure her because she is too kind, beautiful, and talented to be my friend. I don't want her to feel the same way I felt for her because it's so painful. I want her to be my friend forever but as of now I will part my ways to her until my wounds are healed.

AUTHOR: Bethany