Before I Go to Bed

A shadow is casting over Europe. As if there isn't enough of the bad going on in the world, now a war is coming. Maybe.

My heart goes out to Ukraine and all the neighboring countries. I hope, oh, how badly I hope that this situation won't escalate. I am not the smartest person to comment on the war so I won't. What I will do is try to hold on tight through whatever is coming and share my thoughts here. I am nobody important for important people but I am important to my important people. Even though this first post is kinda sad, I will try to share some good things here as well because I have lived so many beautiful days in this country that I love so dearly.

Who am I?
A twenty-something-year-old woman living in the Baltic state region. Recently life has been good. After the covid hit, I've been feeling a bit down but at the end of 2021, I decided that I have to stop whining and have to put myself together. So I did. I finally created (and finished) the most detailed vision board I could have imagined as well as updated my portfolio. Started working out at home and taking care of myself. I applied for several jobs and guess what? I got THE job, yes, the job I always wanted. I still can't believe that I finally have a job. I started a week ago and am still in disbelief.

Since 2020 I have applied to many vacancies and either never got an answer or was not what they were looking for. I mean, how could I be, I graduated in 2019 with the wishful thinking of working as a freelancer. Some works came up but not that many and I didn't have that much of an experience. What did come up was covid at the beginning of 2020 and nobody needed a freelancer here. So, yes, I went on a downward spiral until this year, 2022.

Why am I so afraid.
Things are finally looking up for me. I don't want to lose my chance at a good life. I want to get a place with my boyfriend, I want to create an Instagram profile where I could share my art, I want to travel to places. I want to live a life. One part of me is aware that no one knows what's going on and what will happen. I don't want to stress out before something even happens. But the other part of me?

The other part of me grew up with war stories at home. At kindergarten. At celebration dinners... at funerals. We have many memorial days here as well as we love to celebrate our independence. I grew up with stories of how my grandmother and her family were deported to Siberia during the years of occupation. How my grandfather lived and died of alcoholism because he couldn't live a normal life after the war, the "lost generation". People lost loved ones, lost homes. Tanks and shooting noises outside their buildings. No communication. No food. They dreamt of a free country, they fought for it and now we are back here again.

Why am I writing this?
Well. Maybe someone will care. Maybe, as we go through this, my experience will be helpful or interesting to somebody out there. Maybe I am just trying not to disappear.

So I scribbled a silly to-do list of things to manage while I am here, while I have the time:

• Create copies of family photos and store them online;

• Save up on money to eventually stock up on some things (food, batteries, radio, power bank);

• Take pictures of my family, house, and neighborhood;

• Write about my thoughts and experience;

• Appreciate every moment with someone.

What would you take with you if you would have to leave home in the middle of the night? Would you spend all of your first earned money to stock up on food because a grocery store might or might not be an option at some point? I am sorry if I sound unaware of this war situation. But I am. What I know about war is from history books and relatives and it all sums up in one word - fear. Feel free to share some good places to get the best information on this situation. I would like to be more educated on this topic. And I would like for others to be more aware as well because...

What if the world wakes up one day and we are no longer here? This is what I think about before I go to bed.

Love & Peace for all,
BIGTB