A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker barin the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outsideto the parking meter?"A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his bodyhair growing out through the seams, turned slowly onhis stool, looked down at the quivering little manand said, "It's my dog. Why?""Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,"I believe my dog just killed it, sir.""What?" roared the big man in disbelief. "What in thehell kind of dog do you have?""Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week oldpuppy.""Bull!" roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill myDoberman?""It appears that he choked on it, sir.". .
Cutter is the local Veterinarian, known for his wry humor. Hesurpassed himself one summer day when a city dog was brought to himafter an encounter with a porcupine.After almost an hour of prying, pulling, cutting and stitching, hereturned the dog to its owner, who asked what she owed."Fifteen dollars, Ma'am," he answered."Why that's simply outrageous!" she stormed. "That's what's wrong withyou Maine people, you're always trying to over charge summer visitors.Whatever do you do in the winter, when we're not being gypped here?""Raise porcupines, Ma'am."
A highly timid little man, ventured into a biker brain the Bronx and clearing his throat asked, "Um, err,which of you gentlemen owns the Doberman tied outside to the parking meter? "A giant of a man, wearing biker leathers, his body hair growing out through the seams, turned slowly on his stool, looked down at the quivering little man and said, "It's my dog. Why? "Well," squeaked the little man, obviously very nervous,"I believe my dog just killed it, sir. "What? " roared the big man in disbelief. "What in the hell kind of dog do you have? "Sir," answered the little man, "It's a four week old puppy. "Bull! " roared the biker, "How could your puppy kill my Doberman? "It appears that he choked on it, sir. "
I've never understood why women love cats.Cats are independent, they don't listen,they don't come in when you call, they liketo stay out all night, come home and expectto be fed and stroked, then want to be leftalone and sleep. In other words, every qualitythat women hate in a man, they love in a cat.
A vacationing penguin is driving through Arizona when he notices that the oil-pressure light is on. He gets out to look and sees oil dripping out of the motor. He drives to the nearest town and stop sat the first gas station. After dropping the car off, the penguin goes for a walk around town. He sees an ice-cream shop and, being a penguin in Arizona, decides that something cold would really hit the spot. He gets a big dish of vanilla ice cream and sits down to eat. Having no hands,he makes a real mess trying to eat with his little flippers. After finishing his ice cream, he goes back to the gas station and asks the mechanic if he's found the problem. The mechanic looks up and says, "It looks like you blew a seal. " "No, no," the penguin replies, "it's just ice cream. "
An Eagle is circling at about 5,000 ft. when he spies a field mouse down below him. He dives down and eats the mouse. After a little while the mouse works his way out the eagles butt. Proceeding to look around the mouse says: "Tail gunner to pilot...Tail gunner to pilot.."The eagle says "what do you want?"The mouse asks how high up they are.The eagle thinks for a moment and then says "ohh about 5,000 ft."The mouse then replies "You wouldn't be sh*ttin me now would ya??"
A Second Opinion A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion. The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body,walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too. "The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. The vet brings in a black Labrador. The lab sniffs the body,walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too. "The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650. "$650 to tell me my dog is dead? " exclaimed the man.... "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests. "
A farmer comes home with a lively young bull. His two old bulls have fallen on sad days. He's letting them hang around for old times' sake. The minute the new bull is put into the pasture,he starts servicing the cows. At about the fourth cow, one of the old bulls starts to paw the ground and snort. The other asks,"Why are you doing that? "The old bull answers, "I don't want him to think I'm one of these cows! "
Two neighbors had been fighting each other fornigh on four decades. Bob buys a Great Dane andteaches it to use the bathroom in Bill's yard.For one whole year Bill ignores the dog. So Bob then buys a cow and teaches it to use thebathroom in Bill's yard. After about a year and ahalf of Bob's cow crapping in Bill's yard; beingignored all the while, a semi pulls up in frontof Bill's house. Bob runs over and demands to know what's in the18-wheeler. 'My new pet elephant,' Bill replies solemly.