Effectiveness in communication- Gordon training

I am thirsty for knowledge!

This is true of me in all areas of life. No one can take the acquired knowledge from me. I feel like every thing I learn in my life shapes my personality. I seize every opportunity that is available to me and with which I can get new experiences and new information. This is how this story began. My friend called me to have a training we could go to. And I said, Of course!

Honestly, I had a little fear of how useful and enjoyable this would be for me. Not because of the topic itself, but because of my bad experiences that I gained in some of the courses where I got a certificate but didn’t get the knowledge and experience. It was different now. But let's see what I'm writing about.

Gordon training

With the help of the Gordon Model, we can learn how to communicate more effectively, what are the factors that hinder proper communication.

Dr. Thomas Gordon widely recognized as a pioneer in teaching communication skills and conflict resolution methods to parents, teachers, youth, organization managers and employees.

He was the founder of Gordon Training Intetnational. His Gordon Model is now known worldwide. 

He was the author of 9 books what have been published in over 32 languages and  7 million copies have been sold worldwide.(Group-Centered Leadership, Parent Effectiveness Training (P.E.T.), Leader Effectiveness Training (L.E.T.), Teacher Effectiveness Training (T.E.T.), Parent Effectiveness Training in Action, Discipline That Works, Sales Effectiveness Training (co-authored with Carl Zaiss), Making The Patient Your Partner (co-authored with W. Sterling Edwards, M.D.) and Good Relationships: What Makes Them, What Breaks Them (co-authored with Noel Burch) )

Of course, I don’t want to describe everything we learned in the training, but I will try to give you an insight. The behavior window is a great summary of what tools we should use to communicate in certain situations so that the connection is not damaged and communication is effective.

Interpret the behavior window.

If the behavior of the other is acceptable to us, then we certainly have no problem (in the current situation), we are above the acceptance line, i.e. in the "no problem" or " other owns a problem" bar.

If the other’s behavior is unacceptable to us, then we certainly have a problem because the other’s behavior evokes negative feelings in us. Based on whether the other also has a problem, we are located below the acceptance line in the "I own a problem" or "we own a problem" bar.

Once we have determined who owns the problem, we can now know by what skills to use for communicate.

Other owns a problem- helping skills

Importantly, if someone has a problem, we don’t have to solve it by all means. Of course, someone may specifically ask for our advice, but if he or she doesn’t ask for it, the advice can make him or her feel bad. Actions in our communications that are not recommended for use are called communication barriers:

• control, command

• Warning, threat

• Preaching, moralizing

• Advice, solution proposal

• Education, reasoning, persuasion

• Judgement, criticism, blaming

• Praise, agreement

• Laughter, figuration

• Analysis, diagnosis

• Reinforcement, compassion

• Interrogation

• Diversion, devaluation

Think of talking to our friend / mom / boss about our problem. Do we want him to solve our problem in his own way, or to laugh at us or blame us for our problem? Of course not! What do we want? To let the person we are talking about pay attention to us and understand what we are talking about.

Instead, the other needs active listening. Of course, this does not mean not to say a word. But let’s pay attention to what he’s saying, signal to him our attention by turning to him, nodding, and with sentences that strengthen him to pay attention to him, to understand what he’s talking about. We may think that if someone shares their problem with us, we should definitely give advice, but we don’t have to. There was a task in the training to tell what we think is bad help. For example, we said: help we did not ask for, help from a non-competent person, fake help. These are worth thinking about.

No problem-relationship skills

We have less difficulty in the no problem area. However, it is worth paying attention to formulate what we have to say as well as possible, and talk about behavior rather than attributes, labels.

For example, our partner does something for us. Don't say "thank you, you're nice" but say "I'm very happy you did this for me so we can spend more time together".

This is a positive I-message. Emotion + behavior + consequence.

I-messages:

• positive I-message

• Self-exploring I-message

• Appreciative I-message

• Trouble prevention I-message

• Rejection I-message

I own a problem- confrontation skills

As I see it, the confrontation can even be called a negative I-message. After all, this is the composition of emotion + behavior + consequence. What is the behavior that bothers me + what are the consequences for me, what my needs are hurt + how I feel about it. Confrontation can lead to resistance, the other person can feel offended, so not only do I have a problem, but for him as well. In this case a device change is required, an active lesson can be used. If the other feels that his or her opinion will also be important and calmer, we can return to the confrontation again.

We own a problem- Conflick resolution skills

There are three ways to solve this problem. The I. and II. methods are really simple. You win and the other loses, or the other wins and you lose. In these cases, only the needs of one party are met. He who is in power is afraid of the powerless. Here we can think of a parent-child or boss-employee situation, for example. The connection will be damaged.

Method III is more interesting and expedient than this.

The six steps for problem solving according to Method III are:

• Formulation of the problem, assessment of needs

• Brainstorming: Gather all the ideas without evaluating them.

• Evaluate ideas: Once we have gathered all the ideas we can start evaluating them. Weaknesses, advantages, what suits everyone.

• choose together the best solution for both of you

• Implement the solution

• Evaluation of the solution

The best tools for problem solving:

• Active Listen

• An honest and clear expression of emotions

• Considering the needs of the other party

• openness to altered feelings

• Commitment to Method III

• Use Method III without a pre-preferred solution

• deliberately reject return to the I. and II. method

My experience:

Our training was basically parental performance training, but we actually looked at a lot of different situations. The situations included not only parent-child situations, but also employee-boss, or even relationship, family situations. When we arrived at the scene on the first day, everyone was greeted by a small package that included 2 books, a workbook, a notepad and a pen. I was very happy about that. It’s not like I don’t have a notepad and pen, but everyone loves to get things and I can be very happy with every little thing. And they weren’t even those small gifts because everyone was very happy with the books.

Twelve of us took part in the training, the team was very colorful, simple parent, kindergarten teacher, high school principal, municipal worker and so on. I have to say I’ve never had such a good time with strangers. And that was because we communicated with each other according to the Gordon method. The trainers were very kind, they passed on their knowledge to us in a very enjoyable way. I didn’t feel bored at any moment, there were always exciting tasks. We discussed everything together, whether we worked in small groups or in pairs. If we didn’t understand something or did something wrong, no one laughed at us, scolded us, or looked at us like we were stupid.

There were exercises when the coach told us all something that was very hurtful.

She then said the same thing, but in other words. There was no refinement in it, swaying, she simply said otherwise, using the Gordon method. And it made us realize how powerful words are and how it really doesn’t matter how we put them. Sometimes I felt on an emotional roller coaster, sometimes I cried. But just because there were a lot of situations I could go through a lot and I was hypersensitive. The others did not cry.

On the last day of training, I felt like I didn’t want it all to end. I want to go next weekend too. That is why I say that if I have the opportunity, I will take part in such training again, until then I will read the books I have received.

At the end of the training, the trainer read the Credo to us and we also received it on paper. Now I want to finish my article with that too. “CREDO

You and I are in a relationship which I value and want to keep. Yet each of us is a separate person with our own unique values and needs and the right to meet those needs.

So that we will better know and understand what each of us values and needs, let us always be open and honest in our communication.

When you are having problems meeting your needs, I will listen with genuine acceptance and understanding so as to facilitate your finding your own solutions instead of depending on mine. And I want you to be a listener for me when I need to find solutions to my problems.

At those times when your behavior interferes with what I must do to get my own needs met, I will tell you openly and honestly how your behavior affects me, trusting that you respect my needs and feelings enough to try to change the behavior that is unacceptable to me. Also, when some behavior of mine is unacceptable to you, I hope you will tell me openly and honestly so I can try to change my behavior.

And when we experience conflicts in our relationship, let us agree to resolve each conflict without either of us resorting to the use of power to win at the expense of the other’s losing. I respect your needs, but I also must respect my own. So let us always strive to search for a solution that will be acceptable to both of us. Your needs will be met, and so will mine—neither will lose, both will win.

In this way, you can continue to develop as a person through satisfying your needs, and so can I. Thus, ours can be a healthy relationship in which both of us can strive to become what we are capable of being. And we can continue to relate to each other with mutual respect, love and peace.

Dr. Thomas Gordon” ( ©1978 Gordon Training International)