Deep inside me

I want my old life back. Thinking about the past, I had mixed emotions that really intensified yesterday when I found my photos 10 years ago on an old social site.

I looked at the girl in the pictures and saw a confident, energetic girl who enjoyed life and really lived.

Then I look in the mirror and I no longer see that girl, but a bitter, obese woman without self-confidences , without fire, who is trapped in an unhappy life and lets the depths pull her down.

Do I really want to get my old life back completely? Not really. I feel weak and lost now, but I know that what is happening to me now strengthens me. There have been a lot of bad things that have happened to me in my life, many times I have felt helpless and too weak to stand up. I thought about suicide many times and tried to do it once. (It happened years before Bence arrived) When I was in the hospital and my arm was sewn by the doctor, I just cried and didn’t know how I was going to go on with my life.

When I went home, my friends asked if I regretted what I had done. And I said no.

I haven’t even remember the moments I did since. I think my brain is completely off at that minute. It's a little scary. But the scar on my arm will forever remind me of that day and forever marked me.

But I know I will never try to throw my life away again because I have a son who needs me and I need him too. And I will do everything I can to keep him from seeing the pain I feel now.

So my life was good again and I met my son’s father. Honestly, at first I didn’t think at all that we were going to be a couple. But then I really liked his politeness, kindness, attentiveness. Our relationship was sometimes turbulent but good. We loved each other and we have a lot of beautiful memories in common. Then I got pregnant. We were shocked by the news, we didn’t plan on having a baby. I was 28 at the time, Imi was 23. He was too young. That’s why I told him that if he didn’t take paternity I wouldn’t be mad at him, but I wouldn’t give up on the child. He wanted to give me money to have an abortion. But I said no. I said okay, our relationship is over, I’m giving birth to the baby and he has no duty. We forget each other and that's it.

After all, I don’t even know how things turned out anymore, but we stayed a couple and waited for the baby to arrive.

When Bence was born we were very happy, Imi told me he was proud of me, grateful for our baby. In the first few weeks, he was caring and kind.

But he soon got bored of this and was less and less at home. He first explained that he needed to go with his friends, he couldn’t sit at home. This can be understood, of course, but I asked him to find the middle ground. Failed. He was constantly in the pub or somewhere with his friends. He wrote for girls on the internet. He also wrote about me and it was quite humiliating as they laughed at me with the girls. I don't think he cheated on me, but I don't care anymore. He lived his own life, partying, being with friends, and I was home with our child.

When he came home I always had a problem with me. Why did I do this? Why didn't I do it? Why is the electricity on? Why not? So he always found some reason to scold me. I knew he wanted to anger me on purpose. Once we managed to talk about how we feel about each other, what happens to us. He admitted to deliberately angering me or making me sad because he is angry with me and can’t forgive me. What did I do that he can't forgive me for? I gave birth to our child. This is the most painful thing I have faced as a mother. I didn’t care how he felt about me, but it hurt how he felt about our child.

We lived in a rented apartment then. I asked him to move home to his parents. But he didn't want to leave. I couldn't move out, renting another apartment would cost a lot of money, bail, etc. And homeowners are distrustful of single mothers. So we lived our lives like before.

When Imi's grandfather died, his father inherited his apartment. He said he was selling the apartment to us cheaply. But we didn't want to move in together. We agreed that Imi would move to the new apartment alone, Bence and I would stay in the rented apartment. But our relationship started to improve in the meantime and Imi asked me to move into his new apartment with him. He said "new apartment, new life" ... I agreed, i believed in this. I wanted our relationship to improve and we could live together as a family.

The home renovation was good, we picked things out together, talked a lot, we were able to work as a team. Then Imi did not get a loan from the bank to pay the apartment to her father. They told the bank that our only option is to get married and take out a loan together. When we told Imi’s parents they first told us not to do this. We didn’t say we wanted to get married, we just told them what information we got. Then Imi’s parents told us to get married, take out the loan together, but I would sign a marriage contract so that the apartment would be exclusively owned by Imi. Of course I said no. Why take a joint loan for 10-20 years if they can put me on the street at any time? Madness! In the end, we did not pay for the apartment. Owned by my father-in-law, we renovated it and live here.

So we moved into our new home. But it soon became clear that this was not our home, just Imi’s home. And Bence and I are just guests here who ruin everything. We keep listening to "don't do this, don't do it" "don't jump, don't shout, don't push the little toy car on the parquet because it will be scratched" "don't turn on the lights" "don't open the door" mixed with all swearing.

Imi almost just goes home to sleep. If you are still at home sometimes, you are bothered by everything we do. We don’t go anywhere together, I can’t go anywhere alone, it doesn’t help anything. We just live together in this prison. He doesn’t want to take us to the streets, and we don’t know where to move.

The constant scolding, insult, mockery killed my soul. I have no self-confidence, I have no friends, no experiences, I-time. My mother-in-law, Bence and I sometimes go somewhere, like on kids ’day. She loves Bence, she helps us a lot. Imi’s parents hate me, but there is peace between us because of Bence.

I didn’t understand why Imi wanted us to stay together when she had already given up on us. Then I realized. He is forced into this life by his parents. They are afraid that if we break up they will no longer be able to see Bence. And this is not the case. I would never tear them apart, Bence loves them, they love Bence, and that’s all that matters to me.

Sometimes when we fight with Imi I tell him "I know you want us to disappear from your life, I try to do that"He does not answer that. But silence equals an answer, he just doesn’t want to say it.

I am trying to find a job so that we have enough money to move and live a calm happy life. But as a mother here it is very difficult. I used to work as a bartender. But here where we live a bartender works from early morning to late evening. A mother can't do that. My resume only includes desk work. More than 10 years. But that doesn’t help me find another type of job. Companies reject me.

I'm here ... I'm struggling. I struggle to have enough money to start a new life. Hard, I’ve given up 100 times already and I’m going to give up 100 more times. But I never really give up. Because it’s not just about my life, it’s about my son.

Do I want my old life back? Carefree youth, with parties, friends, adventures? No! I just want to get back the girl I was then. Who loved people, people loved her, was full of energy. I'm a mom! I did not regret for a minute that I became a mother. I would never give up on that!

I just want to live a calm, happy life! I want to be a happy girl again! And I know that as long as I live like this, it won’t work. So I'm here ... I'm struggling.

Don't feel sorry for me! Just wish me luck!