Jealousy and envy are closely connected. They are the product of the toxic combination of fear, frustration, and an obsession with contrasting oneself with others based on anxiety (often very poorly). Jealousy also has a very strong root in fear, particularly that the object of one's affection will lose praise or love, or that anything that one has will be taken away from them. It is also rooted in the longing for meaning and protection of a person. Jealousy typically involves a three-person triangle-the jealous person, their opponent (often misperceived), and the person for whom attention is being challenged.
The desire for what others have is envy (i.e., status, lifestyle, possessions, characteristics, or relationships). It may grow into hatred, malice, and the destruction of others if it is not regulated. It expresses itself by hatred of others and frustration at their prosperity. It is fuelled by perceptions that one deserves respect and success over another person and is connected to greed and pride as a result. Envy is the opposite of love, for while love embraces the good of another, in order to gain itself, envy aims to kill another.
The initial stage of jealousy and envy involves a person having a desire for what another individual has. It evolves into contempt or scorn for the other person when this feeling is not regulated or tended to, simply because they remind the individual of what they lack. The feeling can also lead to malice if uncontrolled, in which the individual wishes to kill the good in the life of the other person. This is done with the assumption that if the person does not feel the enjoyment that the individual has from the good, then neither should the person be able to.
They can severely dominate the relationships of a person when jealousy and envy are taken to extremes. In order to monitor their relationships, chronically jealous people use threats, lies, self-pity, and other forms of coercion. If their partner refuses such manipulations, it only results in more power for the jealous person.
The Cause
Unhappiness. Focusing on what one doesn't have instead of what one does.
Comparison between others. At an early age, certain people were conditioned to judge themselves only in relation to others.
Pride. The misconception that one deserves a life filled with personal gain and contentment.
Low self-esteem/seeking significance. In their circumstances, a person who does not feel good about himself always seeks meaning rather than his true self.
Desire for mundane gain. Searching for capital, appearance, rank, accomplishments, or talents of only temporary value
The Expression
Resentment for others. Being excessively judgmental of others and dismissive of them.
Relationship rivalry. The ambition of a person to be greater than those around them. Showing a desire to overachieve or a superior attitude towards others.
Depression. Being intensely self-critical for not doing what one wishes or what others have done.
Absence of contentment. A relentless search for greater material benefit and the expectation that greater happiness would come from it.
Gossip over others. Constant verbal criticism of other people.
Idolization of some. "Beginning ideas with the phrase "If only...
Overcoming Jealousy and Envy
Be truthful. While you may not feel like you are experiencing envy or jealousy, you may disguise your feelings as contempt, criticism, self-pity, gossip, manipulation, etc. Do not deceive yourself; reveal your true feelings, attitudes, and motivations.
Create a lifestyle of thankfulness. Think of what you have and be thankful for that.
Stop comparison-encouraging behaviors. Go shopping only if you have a particular purchase to make. Read books that foster reflection on the beauty that is in your life. Limit your television or magazine visibility based on material gain
Ask why for yourself. Ask yourself what it is about someone else that you are envious of when you feel envious. If you find yourself envying the positive qualities of another, such as their compassion or social skills, think about creating those qualities in yourself, and doing so will lead to admiration from envy.
Take back a step. Stop and realize it when feeling jealous. Avoid making statements that are manipulative or that control others. Spend time with yourself and turn your emotions into positive ones. It can be helpful to do something to show your love for another (i.e., send an e-mail or make a call).
Grow. Make a plan for your own positive qualities and unique gifts to be developed.
Just don't give up. For some individuals, jealousy and envy can be a constant struggle and can be indicative of an unresolved past pain. You might be a person who benefits greatly from working with a professional therapist.
