@Ayane-chan 20 May 2021 more from that month

So What If I'm Weird, Alone, and Depressed?

As for being an introvert, most of them distance themselves from me. They say because I'm weird. They say that I'm hard to understand. They say that I'm difficult to deal with. Other say, I'm like an alien trying to be human.

At first, they would pretend that they're a friend when no one would stay with them. Then, when they have found someone better than you, that they can get along very well, you'll be like thin air. They act as if they don't see you around. It's hard to cope up with such an environment full of socialites. Every day, they would plan to hang out and if you decline, you'll be treated as an outcast by the group. It is as if you have to be like them in every way. *Seriously, can't I have my own choices of how I want to be? I like being unique, so what? 😤* Well, at first, I tried to be like them. I forced myself to mingle with them. I tried to get interested in their discussions. I tried to hang out with them to those places that I can't understand why they like to stay there. I tried to fit in within their circles. I did all of it because, at that time, it seems like being called a **"*****loner*****"** is an insult and it hurts to be "***out of place"*** from everyone else. Despite all of my efforts, I still feel like there's a gap or a wall that distances me from them. In the end, I'm fed up. I got tired of pretending that I like socializing.

I feel like I don't belong to the group so I got back to the way I was. I turned back to my song preferences. I stop forcing myself to make friends. I stop getting along with those toxic people. I also stop tagging along wherever they go. I don't join in their discussions if it doesn't suit my interests. Though along the way, it's quite depressing. Somehow, I felt envious of them. How I wish that I have a friend who can understand me too. Well, not for long, I have found a few good friends that truly understand me. Even though I'm quite different from them, they try to respect me and encourage me to stay who I am. But, those encouragements aren't enough to hold still when we're apart for long. As I am a music lover, I discovered some songs that inspire me to keep going. Here they are, *I hope you all can like it, too.* 1. This Is Me by Keala Seatle https://youtu.be/CjxugyZCfuw ***Favorite lines:*** *"I am brave* *I am bruised* *I am who I meant to be* *This is me!"* This song is from a musical movie, ***"The Greatest Showman"***, wherein they present people with great differences or odd people as the movie says, to represent as one, to show the audience that even though they're different from them, they are also humans who felt hurt, who longed to be loved and to be cared for. It's just that they are uniquely brimming with beauty and talent but normal people can hardly appreciate it. 2. Rock n Roll by Avril Lavigne https://youtu.be/lI7GjcpdI4A **Favorite lines:** *"I don't care if I'm a misfit* *I like it better than the hipster bullshit"* *"Don't care about a reputation* *Must be living in the wrong generation"* These lines were the most outstanding lines that hit me so hard 'cause I'm also a misfit in real life. Then, when she says the line,***" Don't care about a reputation, Must be living in the wrong generation"***, I felt someone for the first time got fully understand what I've been through. From then on, whenever I'm down or upset about the world, I would listen to this on repeat until I feel better. 3. So Am I by Ava Max https://youtu.be/gdPt2z1YMZE I like this song very much though it's not the typical genre that I like. I just like the message of the song. The way Ava Max delivers the song makes me have the vibe as if telling me that I'm not the only one like this in the world. She is like a friend telling me that even though people will misjudge me for being different, I don't have to worry because she is also like me. We are in the same boat and it's okay to be different. Final Thoughts One of my biggest life lessons is to learn how to be independent. Since there's no one I can rely on, I learned to love being alone. As time goes by, all of those humiliations that I received from those toxic people that I am weird, alone, and depressed is just like the buzzing sounds of bees to my ears. ____________________________ Thanks for reading. Stay safe and God bless us all!