October 31, 2017
23-24 weeks ( 5 - 6 months) twin pregnancy
Every month I had a routine appointment with my OB.
***
First time to visit my ob-gyn 2 weeks before and my babies were kicking and their hearts were beating just fine.
"Where are their heartbeats?" I asked my OB with my eyes closed. (hoping she would find it)
***
It was July 31, 2017, when I told my husband to go with me to the clinic to have a pregnancy test. I closed the bathroom door after I took a glance at him and prayed for the babies. Minutes later, I held out the pregnancy test high with a positive sign. I smiled at him and he smiled at me. We were excited and happy about it.
In the following months, I watched my babies and belly grow. I took prenatal vitamins and followed a healthy diet. After taking such good care of myself, I felt like I was being given a reward!
At 12-16 weeks, I thought back to the first time I go to the clinic of my pregnancy, wondering..
At the beginning of the appointment, my ob-gyn had asked the usual questions.
"How are you sleeping?"
"Are you having any problems?"
After her questions, I scooted my body from the bottom of the bed up to the top and lay down. I pulled up my shirt, and I pulled down the stretchy material on my maternity pants.
She placed the cold fetal doppler onto my huge, pregnant belly and wrestled with it to try to get a heartbeat, but all I could hear were echo noises from my stomach.
"You know, at 17-20 weeks, this is normal," she said. " But your baby just might big insize, just stay calm!
She asked me, "do u have a twin inheritance?"
I didn't answer her directly but I just gave her the idea that I ate 2 sticky bananas while I'm pregnant, my ob-gyn smiled & not believed what I said but I also informed her the background of my family in my father side I have my twins auntie but I'm not sure in my mother side. She smiled again and explained it well...
And that day my ob-gyn told/advice me to have my ultrasound as soon as possible so that she may know the situation of the baby if it is one or two!
"I can't say anything yet. I have to schedule you for an ultrasound ASAP," she said.
I kept my eyes closed the whole time.
Next week of my schedule I didn't visit in her clinic becoz we decided with just to add the schedule with the same day of our district meet.
It came that day- the schedule of my ultrasound. I remembered exactly the date (October 25, 2017) before I delivered them earlier, we're having also a district meeting/seminar in my profession, that was held on the 3rd floor. On that day, I didn't finished the meeting becoz I am heading towards the clinic for my ultrasound to check on my babies heartbeats this time and the gender too. I didn't mind that day or that other days before /other following days I am so stressful😢
23- 24 weeks (5-6 months)...
The first person knew I got a twin pregnancy was my mama and afterwards my husband called me on the phone so very happy to knew, it were a baby boy twins. The first person I had to tell my baby twins died was also my mama. My questions were answered by the tears strolling down my face!😢
(October 30, 2017)
(It was the day...12:00 o'clock in the evening)
On that day I delivered earlier my baby boy twins that we're not exactly on the due date...(It was prematured babies)...
I'm afraid and shivering w/the sweat colds came out in my whole body! And I'm worried too much with my baby boy twins but I thought to myself and hoped that they will be able to survive!
So I am so much afraid and worried w/them and kept on asking to my husband:
"How's my babies?"
"Where is my other son?" Is their ok?
When the first baby boy came out when I heard him the one crying and my husband carried him gently. I just stay calm!
But the next baby boy came out from me normally w/the birth sock wrapped in his whole body that cause him difficult to breathed. But it was too late the nurses arrived in our room. I already delivered the 2nd baby boy ,but a few minutes he was passed away quickly. So they got the injection to induce my placenta out in my belly.
A few minutes, I heard the nurses talked to me even I closed my eyes and tears falling down easily...
"I'm sorry. "Your one baby's heart isn't beating, and the other one will struggle to survive, we aren't sure if he can survive." Those words felt like a sword slicing my heart into pieces, those words are every parents worst nightmare.
But still I hoped that my baby boy left will survive and I didn't stop worried about him.He hugged my chest and sucked on my breast...And the nurses still not to stopped pumping his chest to work his heartbeat ...but..
After few hours my baby boy stopped crying ,it hurted me so much I didn't heard him cried anymore... They said " we cannot go to the city/the nearest hospital bcoz the weather was bad.
The nurse keep on calling to the doctor and told her about the horrible news.!
"Just comfort the mother u did all ur best but only God can make a miracle for the baby to be alive" I heard on the phone ,the doctor said.
Imagine going through such pains from injection for these two baby boy child that would not take a first breathed!
I hugged them and kissed them before they went passed bye! I didn't want to let them go. But they need to... How do you do that? How do you carry the babies for 6 months dream up your whole life around them and then, boom! How did this happen? Did I do something wrong? Was it me? Did I do too much? Did I do too little? What? How? Why?..
My beautiful baby boy twins.. It just doesn’t seem real..
Leaking milk but no baby to drink it.
Baby clothes folded in the box never to be worn by my beautiful baby boy twins.
It's been 3years since we lost my baby boy twins, and so far, life hasn't gotten any easier. And yet my husband and I have found the strength to carry on. The relationship between me and my husband has grown stronger because of this experience, and we appreciate every moment in life with each other.
There are moments everyday where I have to allow five minutes of crying, but I pull myself together and focus on. What I need to do for that day was locked the door in our room in a whole day and night cried and prayed...Yes, everything's changed...with the wisdom of God,with the help of my husband. With the help also of the other persons.. they are there for me in times of troubled! I am very grateful to them they're all their for me.
They're gone but they will never be forgotten. They will always be in our hearts and they will always be our first born sons.
"Mama's love goes with u wherever u are now
.I love you & I miss you both" 👼👼❤️❤️💕
