When I'm sad and not feeling okay, I tend to push the people I love away and cry my heart out. I just like the feeling that it gave me. I want to feel the pain and don't want to bother them. I just love the feeling of being left out and it hurts to know that it's ok for them to leave me. It hurts me more that they don't care for me and just leave because I say so. I know I'm confusing as hell but that's the way I am. Yes, I cry a lot and that's just because of me. I'm an over thinker. I always think the worst of them, leaving me. Maybe because the two most important person in my life left in the most unexpected time and up until now I'm still hurting and those days still hunt me. I still got nightmares and wake up with a tear in my eyes and have difficulty in sleeping again so I end up awake all night long. With this routine for almost four years, I lost weight and look older than my age. I have pimples, stretch marks, dark circles under my eyes, dandruff, I'm a walking mess. I lost my confidence. I forget things easily. I can't feel my old self. The old me when they're still with me. I've got trust issues. I get irritated easily on small things. I always make small arguments into big ones just to have something to argue about and push them away. Pushing them is my only escape. For me, pushing them is like saving them from the pain that I'm feeling that they may also feel once I open up. Truth to be told, I'm scared that one day the most important person in my life will also leave me and I'll be on my own again. Helpless. Scared. Unlove. Lost.