My name is Kyle Reese Benin, and I am pretty sure I messed my life up, but this is the story of how it started and how I coped up with it up until now.
Growing up, I haven't made a lot of friends and acquaintances. Mainly because ever since I was a kid, I'm not allowed to go out of the house. My parents won't let me play with the other kids because they thought that those kids outside are dirty, and I might get dirty because of them. So, I kept myself accompanied all the time. I have no one else to talk to since my family was busy.
When I started schooling, I'm obliged to socialize with people, and I haven't done a great job at that. I started feeling left out, outcast, or a loner, whatever they call it. It's been hard for me to live like that. I started dealing with intricate problems, and I don't even have any friends to talk to. I can't open up to my family either because they are busy with work or they will scold me for not being good enough.
When I was around twelve or thirteen, my anxiety began to express itself in all sorts of delightful ways.
I also happen to live in a household where fighting, shouting, and physical abuse are present. I live in an environment that is not great for mental health. It was hard to deal with that every day, but I stayed strong. I always think that I need to prioritize the important parts of my life before anything else. I prioritized my studies, and I started being an honor student. It's mesmerizing to see your hard work paid off. Not until I started having breakdowns and sudden palpitations for no particular reason. I suddenly lost my appetite to the point that I don't even eat anymore. I also feel sad and irritated all the time. That's why no one in school wants to talk to me. Every time I sleep, I kept having flashbacks and nightmares from what happened to me in the past.
One day, I attempted suicide because I thought that ending my life would be the solution to end all the pain and suffering that I always feel. That's when my family noticed that there's something wrong with me. So they decided to take me to a psychologist. Unfortunately, I'm diagnosed with MDD or also known as Major depressive disorder and Post Traumatic Stress disorder. The doctor gave me medicines, and he said that I'm required to have therapy sessions with him. I was fourteen at that time.
He also said that I should always have enough sleep and eat the right foods. After having tons of therapy and group therapy session, I could probably say that there's a lot of improvement that happened. I always keep a journal or brain dump notebook with me. I would always put all the thoughts that come into my mind. It helps me to keep organized and de-stress all the time. I have been writing poetry since I was diagnosed with depression.
When I write, I feel my terrible past fade. I felt this heals everything. No longer do I feel sorry for the person I was. I feel content that I'm free, and my words can help others too! It's been years. I stopped taking my medicine since my doctor said so, but up until now, I still have therapy sessions with him online to check how I am holding up. Whenever I feel stress or anxious, I take a step back and meditate. Doing deep breathing and taking time to rest helped me to overcome my depression. Music also has a great impact on my life. It makes me calm and at ease.
It can be a serious challenge to wait for depression to lift the roadblock that’s keeping us from moving those facts from our rational minds to our emotional selves.
And that’s the thing about Depression: we can’t force it to go away. As I’ve said, if I could just “stop feeling sad” I would. (And also, Depression isn’t just feeling sad, right? It’s a lot of things together that can manifest themselves into something that is most easily simplified into “I feel sad.”)
So another step in our self-care is to be gentle with ourselves. Depression is beating upon us already, and we don’t need to help it out. Permit yourself to acknowledge that you’re feeling terrible (or bad, or whatever it is you are feeling), and then do a little thing, just one single thing, that you probably don’t feel like doing, and I promise you it will help. Some of those things are:
Take a shower.
Eat a nutritious meal.
Take a walk outside (even if it’s literally to the corner and back).
Exercise
Listen to a guided meditation and follow along as best as you can.
these things helped me and may help you too. whoever is reading this blog of mine, I hope you're doing okay, if not and you're struggling too, you may follow my advice if possible, seek professional help. Mental health is important. Always remember that our mind is our greatest enemy.