I was checking my wallet preparing an exact amount for our fair. It was for two like usual. But then I stopped, I blink away my tears after realizing I was alone. I will be alone from now on. No more paying for two. My companion, my partner, my love, he was gone now. He promised he would stay by my side, always. I believed him, never have I doubted him but he's gone now along with all his promises.
When all was left were memories, will you still hold on or just let go?This is the very question that struck me the most and it took me sometime to find the answer.
April 09, I was at home with my family. I was on vacation leave for a whole week to celebrate my birthday, my sister's and my partner's. Our birthdays were just days apart. Mine was the 11th, my sister's 12th and my partner is 14. So since April 7th I was spending time with my family. Today I will go back to Manila to spend the rest of my leave with my partner for almost 9 years. We were living together for most part of it. This year we decided to go somewhere to celebrate our birthdays. Since he doesn't like my family that much he decided to stay in our house in Manila. I was suppose to leave early that day but my sister insisted that I stay for couple of ours more and agreed. I tried sending him a message early that morning but no response. I thought he was just still sleeping. I called him again at lunch but still no answer. So I decided to head home.
It was difficult to get on a bus due to a lot of people traveling, it's holy week after all. I was able to ride the bus but goodness me there's a traffic jam. He still hasn't responded to my messages nor answer my call. My mind is racing, thinking of the worst possible scenarios. He wasn't like that after all. He would response to my messages even of it's late.
Finally I arrived at our Barangay it was getting dark already. My head is aching, my heart is pounding violently. I saw our house, there's no light. This is very unusual, he would never leave the lights off. I called at him while trying to locate my keys and opening the door but still no reply.
I slowly opened the door and there he was lying on the kitchen floor and the whole place was a mess. I dropped everything I was carrying and went straight at him. He was unconscious. I tried waking him up, he opened his eyes. He was somehow okay, I thought but something is wrong, he cant move half of his body his speech is slurry. I packed few thing and called for help.
I asked him why he did not even bother to tell me he wasn't feeling well the night before. He told me he doesn't want me to get worried. It was our last conversation. After that he become a bit sleepy. Then the next thing went all blurry and I lost focus. He was admitted in the ICU. I was alone outside waiting for him to recover. I never thought I would be waiting in vain.
April 10 his relatives arrived. The doctor said he needs to undergo surgery to remove the blood inside his head that's suffocating his brain (that's how I understood it, I was confused during that time).The doctor mentioned a certain hospital to have the surgery as it is very expensive if we did it where we currently are. I wanted him to have a surgery but I can't decide on that because we weren't married. It was his family's call. And they decided that they wanted to move him to a different hospital. It was the worst decision ever made...
We moved to a different hospital, it was full. Patients were outside, no beds available , no rooms, the ER served as rooms for patients if you can even call it rooms. Hmmmnn what was it called a ward, hospital ward I guessed, yeah the emergency room looks like a chaotic ward. That was what it looked like, no vacant room means no apparatus to help him breath or for his vitals. I forgot what it was called but those were machines to help someone in a coma. Yeah, we don't have that we were manually pumping air in his chest. It was very difficult, I could hardly look so I went outside for a few minutes. I heard his brother talking to his mom on the phone that they will move him again on a better hospital. Thinking about it now they should have done that the first time.
April 11, 01:59am he passed away. He has no heartbeat, his nails are starting to turn purplish, they tried to revived him but was declared dead... Happy birthday to me. I stayed at the morgue where all the other dead people stayed. I stayed by his side, head on his chest. I was trying to feel the last of his warmth. I was trying to listen to his heartbeat but heard nothing. He was gone... forever.
After that everything went blurry... Things changed, I felt like an empty shell. I am no longer the same. But there is one thing that did not change throughout that ordeal and after.. It was my mother's hand holding mine.
I will stopped right here. I can't seem to continue any further. It was years ago and I was shocked to realize that I would still cry over it. I will continue telling you my stories next time.
