To Whom It May Concern..
It seems a cold way to start a letter but even after all this time I don't know your real name. They never told me, and I never found it out. I hated you for so long, tossed and turned at night wondering what you looked like, Wondering who yOu were. I saw enemies in friends, and confidantes in strangers. I have been gripped in fear they'd leave mc for you, and then entered a stage where I didn't really care. I know you exist. I've known for a long time and I have lived with that knowledge. But I'm writing to you this letter to explain, not to hate you, but for you to understand. You neither sought nor need my approval but as we are both in love with the same person I'm ottering my explanation. I need you to search your soul and be kind, read my words, accept them as truth. It you ever had a heart then feed it these lines. It's Over.
I first knew they had someone else back more than a decade ago. It's funny how little things trigger your suspicions. We'd been on an anniversary trip to celebrate five years together and when we returned they were gone more than usual. It was the little excuses they tendered unasked for that raised my doubts. We'd never had to know each other's whereabouts every minute of the day. We weren't that kind of couple. We relied upon and trusted each other. Things had been good. We'd talked of starting a family and so I was excited, but that talk died. It stopped stone cold. I knew the shared thrill and the kernel of the idea was now never going to take root. They'd found you I suppose and that dream went out the window.
I drew myself up a list of pros and cons for confronting them with my suspicions, starting with what I'd noticed. My need to do lists intensified and I was writing them for everything, as if deliberating with myself over my next course of action.
You know, my need to try to resolve it in my head got worse and worse. Those damned lists drew my focus from the real issue of why they felt they needed to stray at all. I guess I never dreamed it was because of who I was or the way I acted. I always believed it was more for something that I wasn't, what you had that I didn't. I became fixated on it and I guess I inevitably started to subconsciously change. I began to doubt myself, blame myself. But never them, and only you from jealousy. True I hated you then. I had all sorts of visions of you in my head and none of them flattering You were more, always more. More beautiful, more worldly, more adventurous, more daring and playful, smarter, richer, a better job, more friends. always more. I was wrong on so many levels, I know that now, but hindsight is a wonderful thing.
Over time they got sloppy and more used to lying. They never were much good at it. I remember at our wedding when nobody could find my ring at the crucial point, the Best Man got blamed. But I saw it in their eyes, in the tiny worry lines of that pale forehead and around the mouth. It was a lie then and I knew it. So when the trips away and the phone calls got more frequent l confronted them on it. I was too Wretched, and I didn't like who I was turning into. It you can't have honesty about who you both were and are now, and what you wanted and want now, then what's the point? If it's all a lie then just why stay? I'd reached that point. I was ready for the truth.
You may be surprised to know it took mc two years down the line to make my stance. We had a blazing row and in it the home phone rang I'd glared and met that icy blue stare, daring them to answer it. 1 know it was you. It had to be. If people wanted me they rang my mobile and it they wanted us then it was the home phone. By that time, no-one wanted us. All our mutual friends saw the breakdown of our Relationship far quicker than we did. They didn't want to be around us, we were kryptonite to settled couples. We unsettled and unerved them. Made them feel uncomfortable. They had their suspicions, but I'd never admit to anything. I don't know why I was pretending everything was okay, or why I was protecting anyone else. They didn't deserve it, but back then I felt they did.
They denied everything Gave half
plausible excuses and I was so desperate
to believe I took them. I drank them
down like somebody dying of thirst who's
Just found an oasis. My oasis was lingering hope. The hope it could get better, that things would be as they once were. They lied. They couldn't. They cheated on us both, gave us each half of their time, their love, their selves. Neither of us got the full love we deserved, I see that now. In the intervening years it got a little better and then it got worse. I held on thinking I've been down this road before, I can cope. I can handle this. I was no longer addicted to making lists, I was just resigned to taking whatever love I could get. It was no longer a Competition for affection, t Was Just about holding on to the security. My thoughts of a family vanished, and my curiosity and suspicions gradually faded away in a mist of time. The pattern of our lives didn't change all that much. They lived the lie and I let them.
So now l come to the truth. I know they love you as much as myself. They risked our marriage over it. You complete them whereas I on my own could not. They never did say why one of us was not enough. They never gave one of us a chance to have a full life rather than this half life I've been living I could have found a love ot my own and gotten back a touch of romance rather than routine. Forgiving and forgetting gets easier asvyou get more disillusioned. I'm ready to move on. I'm going and I'm not looking back. They're all yours now and I wish you luck.
I'm writing this because I understand now. I'm worth more than this, more than they give me. I'm worthy of a whole love, a true love of trust and honesty. I can't wait for them to respect me, but I finally respect myself. I did my best, gave all that I'd got and I'm okay with losing the battle so I can win the war. The war for my dignity and my happiness, for a future that meets my needs more than it ever will ike this. Living this way has killed me slowly. It won't finish me off. I want love, all of it not just in part. As you love them as much as I once did, I write to ask you to watch over them, love them, perhaps now you can both be a full whole. With me gone, T hope you can make it work. If they weren't happy with stepping wholly into a relationship with one of us, maybe there's something neither of us completely has to fulfill their needs. But now you have the chance to try, as will I in the future.
I'm leaving this note for you. I was the one used your number and arranged your rendezvous. They aren't coming, but I hope you will forgive the deception, as I forgive all the times I too was deceived. No point holding onto the bad things, you have them, try to make something good from it. You have my blessings, but I'm keeping my share of the time and effort I've put in. I will need it for my bright, fresh new start. I'm moving far far away and I'm excited for the first time in a long time. I'm released, I'm free, I'm without boundaries or expectations for the first time in a long time. I feel good, I hope you do too. It took me long enough.
Good luck, as I figure you may both need it more than I.
Yours sincerely
the "other" half