Pain demands to be felt, is pain that important in our lives? Why it does always seeks to find a place in the most triumphant moments, leaving us with nothing but a drum of tears and a heart beating in the rhythm of angst and regret. Pain is fear, what we and mostly I hate the most, the one thing we always try to escape from but we always end up our hands up in the air, surrendering ourselves as it chains up our wrists only to enter our darkest arenas…………..the dome of reality.
It was night, when all was asleep, I thought I was about to, but I entered it there I saw fragments of my past revisited….. uninvited, the scary feeling of what could have been pounded my heart, stabbed my soul, piercing my being with pain driven by mistakes. Just like that, the peace that my mind had rested has been disrupted with fear of the unknown. All along I thought it was fine as long I never hurt anyone but myself, I was fine, I still said despite the errors I made, it happens, it had. Acceptance helped but I was already drowning within the sea of my own sins, it was cold, dark and deep, so unlikely of my colorful shore that they see, waves of emotions has been so long to move calmly, it became tired of the show, ending up hitting more than the sands could reach.
Pain is like death, you never know its arrival, you never know how and in what way pain can come, it may lead to death but for some a rebirth or simply an awakening of what has already been.
If pain is death, in the midst of my thoughts, I tried to grasped it, it’s too much I can’t handle it, someone deserves it better than I do, I lived a life of facades that shows only of what they need to see, but not of who I truly am, they don’t, never they would. I was dark and twisty like Meredith Grey but all they see is the wonderful smile of Isobel Stevens that even within her is more complicated than what she portrays. There are no proper adjectives to describe my pain for it happened because of me, I made it happen, all my fault, I have no one to blame and even no one to talk to. Each night was miserable, and in the morning can I only bid myself a goodnight. I thought it’ll be the death of me, it was but I felt resurrected as I opened my eyes each day. For months I have anticipated as to when my doom will come, afraid of being happy for I know in a blink of an eye. I’ll shatter hearts of the people I love the most.
Are we the one to cause pain? What’s the reason behind it? Failure, illness, a result of a catastrophe? In what reason did pain have the ticket to enter our lives? For life is not life without it, there is no such thing as perfect and so we experience it. But more than that, we have pain because we need it as much as we thought of how demanding it can be. Pain demands to be felt, not because pain wants to, but because we need to! We can never be numb nor deny pain, because sooner and later, it’ll reveals in ways of greater pain than we have ever experienced.
I caused my own pain, I made it happen, triggered by the thought of having what I don’t, I rushed time, I made it just to happen, and all suddenly became worthless and shallow. Suddenly I was not myself, No, suddenly I realized that all along I have not been myself. I have been in denial of facing my consequences, I don’t want pain, I can’t have it, I won’t, my resistance only led me to it even more closer, even more terrifying revealing parts of me that remained buried for so long.
I had my epiphany, I felt redeemed, only by installment. Is that possible? It is because as the pain pierces me each day, I have given up, but He always picked me up again and again and again. In Him, holds the remedy that a doctor can never prescribed, in Him I find tranquility despite the barriers I built, He was the one I’ve hurt the most but in Him my pain was eased. All along He stayed the same, I changed but in Him I found chances and lesson I still and will carry till the end. He led me to truth and meaning, all that I ever needed.
Can pain be a relief in itself? Absurdity, it may seem like, may not be at all time for some it is, or at least for me. Pain is not always hurting, pain does not only result to even more pain, the thing is pain is not like having a crush to someone who will never find your existence, pain is never one-sided, it is multidimensional, because it leads us to greater discoveries, of life, our own being and of truth. It enables us to see life in many we ways we have never thought of, it bridges us to some part in ourpast that we fail to understand, it connects us to people we never knew that they have been the one carrying pieces of our fragmented soul, it leads to something greater, for it leads us to our own self disguised in its own prints of ------- pain.