Restart

Sometimes I want to go and run from all this trouble. Pause the activity, go away and get away from the noise, avoid anyone and then go and hide. I want to feel silent and one with silence to just clear my heart and mind. Solitude is what I need now, not you, him or them. I just need me, myself, and my creator who know and understand more about what I feel right now.

-

Today is my last day at Tonan 1 High School. I decided to continue my studies and live with my grandfather in Korea. I'm Aihara Kotoko but my friends usually call me Kotoko. I'm currently going to class XII, I myself am a Japanese-Korean crossbreed. My father is originally Korean and my mother is originally Japanese. I decided to go and settle in Korea for a reason that I might think is strange. I am like any other teenager who can never control my emotions or ego.

In this case I have a case that is probably the same as some other teenager. Heartbroken is the reason I went and settled down with grandfather. How many times I have loved or dated the opposite sex, but all of them always end the same, end up saying goodbye or ending because I'm a double. Because of that I can no longer trust men, for me loving God's tough creatures will only hurt my heart. I want to run away from this country, and start my life again with full of joy and come back alive to be able to achieve what I want.

"Kotoko, are you sure you will go then what about Naoki?" asked Fujiyama who sat beside me while enjoying the soothing breeze. Fujiyama, he is my best friend. Me and him have been friends since we were in grade 2 junior high school.

"Yes, I'm sure, he's not my business so I don't need to worry about him."

"But he really loves you, bakka!"

"Hahaha .. what love me? Yes! Fuji ~ chan I can't even live to love someone anymore, if he loves me it's none of my business .. "

Fujiyama sighed at my best friend's words. He couldn't believe that I, Aihara Kotoko, would speak so rudely to Naoki, the man who loves me so much.

"Kotoko chan, don't you still want to start again, especially with Naoki?" I was quite surprised by what Fujiyama said. I admit I really wanted to start, but no! I can't believe even that guy Naoki, the man who became my protector when we were in the 1st grade of junior high school.

I'm still afraid to start, especially my wounds of the past are still very lasting. The pain is still very much felt. It's easy for her to say to me like that, she doesn't even know what it feels like to be hurt repeatedly with different men. Therefore, for now I don't want to start. I hate what love is. Everything is not as beautiful as I thought. Disappointed? Haha I don't want to feel it anymore!

"No, I don't really trust him or any other man .."

"But he really loves you very much."

Aishh… Fuji chan you pissed me off. I got up and walked towards the class which was followed by Fujiyama.

“Fuji ~ chan, what I need right now is not a male figure who will stand beside me, look after me and then hurt me. What I need right now is to enjoy what is my main proity. Become a great writer and doctor .. "

"But how long do you want to be like this? All those people need love including you .. "

“You have a point. But I'm not ready to start again right now, for some reason I'm comfortable beside Naoki but I can't lie. My heart still can't accept it for the umpteenth time .. "

"Is it because you still love, Futsana?"

"Not. That is not true! My past is a memory that I have made into a lesson. Not because I still like him, but because the wound from that heartbreak still hurts. Futsana he left me without a parting word, Kaisan he doubled my back with my close friend from junior high school, Haturo he dumped me because he prefers same-sex love. "

“Do you think my wound will easily disappear? No Fuji chan, if I had loved someone as hard as I could I would fully give this love of mine. But if my trust is just crushed, I can't forgive him. That's why I can't completely trust men anymore .. ”I replied to Fuji chan. Without realizing it, my tears just fell down my cheeks. Fuji chan immediately hugged me and apologized to me. I know he may feel guilty for not understanding my situation and understanding how I feel.

“Kotoka, I'm not a very good friend for you. I didn't even know that you were that sad. "

"No problem Fuji chan .. you are my best friend."

“Kotoko…” I heard a low voice from behind me. The voice felt familiar to me. I immediately let go of Fuji chan's hug and looked back. Irie Naoki! Jeez he's here.

"Naoki, what are you doing?"

“I knew you were going to Korea today, I just wanted to see you one last time. Can we talk for a moment, on the roof of the school? "

I nodded and I said goodbye to Fuji chan to follow Naoki to the roof of the school building. Arriving at the roof I saw the sad gaze of Naoki, the man who loved me so much.

"Is it that hard to make you mine?" he shouted at me.

"Naoki .."

"Why? Why can't you love me as much as I love you? Why Kotoko? !! ”

“Stop right now Naoki! Don't scream at me, I hate it! ”

I moved away from the open space, but his hands were holding my hands so tightly. I took a snide glance at him and asked him to take his hand off mine.

"I love you very much, even if you do not respect me."

“Naoki chan, I really appreciate your feelings. To some extent I feel very comfortable with you. I loved it when you brought me roses, I liked it when you hugged me on our first date, I was happy when I could laugh out loud with you. But my heart can't lie, everything still tastes bland. I still find it hard to fall in love again, I'm afraid that everything will end up hurting again and make my wounds even bigger. "

"We just need to live it, it's okay if you pretend to love me. I will still be happy because I can be with you .. "

"No Naoki, I can't pretend to love you because it will only make me more depressed."

"Never mind, you don't have to force me. Thank you for everything and sorry. " I continued as I stepped back on my feet and left Naoki on the roof of the school building.

I'm sure his heart is really really hurt right now. I was also hurt because I could not contain my emotions for him. I'm sorry Naoki, just this time let me enjoy my solitude and take steps alone to wipe this broken heart. I walked down the school corridor with a blank look. My mind was immediately shattered after doing evil things to Naoki, such a nice guy. The drop of my tears suddenly fell. It hurts, I feel like screaming as loud as possible.

-

Before leaving, I took the time to visit Konrekuen Garden, the first place Naoki and I visited on our first date. Naoki chan, this is the most beautiful place for me, I thought.

"Kotoko .."

Exclaimed someone, I glanced at the voice calling my name. I was surprised, Naoki was already standing behind me. He smiled so sweetly at me as if there was no argument between us. I looked into his eyes and to be honest I seemed to see sadness in his eyes.

"Go ..." he said. Deg! What's this, he told me to go.

"Yes?"

“Go Kotoko, reach all of your dreams. Go Kotoko if it can heal your wounds ... "

"Naoki chan ..." I whispered in disbelief.

"I'll be waiting for you ... I let you go for your good."

"Okay, I'll go." I said then walked slowly away from Naoki. It hurts if the separation between me he must be like this. I'm sorry Naoki, I thought again.

“Kotoko, go after your dreams, go if it can heal your wounds. I'm naoki will keep waiting for you even if you don't love me, I will still love you. " he shouted which immediately got the attention of those around us.

"Bakka." I said snorted irritably.

"I'm not not without you, but I'm not ready to start .."

"Kotoko, I will catch up with you and come back to chase you in that country of Ginseng." he continued.

“Bakka! I don't love you, I just need time to heal my wounds so I don't have to worry anymore to open my heart. ” I shouted. This is totally ridiculous, my distance from him and his is neither too close nor too far but I love this.

"So you love me?" he asked with a louder cry. I sighed and closed my eyes for a few seconds. Then I took my breath back.

"If in 30 seconds you don't run here I'll never come back." my best threatens him. Naoki quickly ran towards me and he hugged me so tightly. I smile, yes I smile.

"You want to wait for me? I will learn to love you but I want to first erase the wounds of my broken heart and my trauma to men. I want to regain my confidence to love and be loved. You will wait right? " I said while returning his warm hug.

"I will always wait for you Kotoko, when I graduate I will follow you to Korea and start everything with you, with a new story and with new hopes."

"Thank you Irie kun, I will wait for your arrival." I replied a little shyly.

For the first time it occurred to me, I wasn't unable to love him, it's just that I needed time to heal my old wounds and think about being able to love him like he did me. Irie kun, I will not pretend to love you. But I will try to love you sincerely without any hesitation or fear of separation. My future, I hope it's you Irie Naoki. I will wait for you to come to Korea, and I will return to being the old Aihara Kotoko by loving you. Wait for me Naoki, I will definitely repeat my love life with you.