Love in Anguish

Throughout that night I was sitting by mama. But we did not speak to each other. My presence was my absence because, after a while, I could feel the power of mama's eyes staring at me. Sucking me up. It pierced through my soul, but I had gone past that. My eyes were pale with my head fully loaded, bomb with misgivings that were caused by my modern wife. When I came around a little, I saw mama's lips shaking, but I could not hear any sound. She was looking at me with terrible eyes. I mean consumable ones. Only God knew what was playing in her mind. One thing I knew was that she was not happy with me getting married to Cicy. She had always not loved her from the first day I introduced her as my girlfriend. She complained that Cicy was not wife material.

"How can mama who had never met Cicy before just judge her as not being fit for a wife material?" I asked myself.

I have known Cicy for more than two years. Since we met at Aberdeen Beach, a place they called 'Europe in Sierra Leone.' I do not accept this name. For me, it's just Sierra Leone and nothing more. As I approached one of the resort centres, I could hear people say "yah na oversee gben. wae u dae yah, na England u dae." I wanted to tell them that they were in Sierra Leone. The expression didn't make sense to me because it simply means that nothing good should be associated to Sierra Leone; it was only those that were bad. Like when you see naked stinky black children in the street with phlegm draining through their nose or when you see our streets and gutters busy with garbage that we say it is only in Sierra Leone. I wore an uncomfortable gloomy face, but I had to control myself because I went out purposely that night to have fun. Something I did once a while to at least ride in the saying, 'All work and no play make Jack a dull boy.'

Feeling upset with their throwaway gist, I went to another resort centre to escape the illusion that was fogged in their minds. That was where I met Cicy. She was sitting alone with a bottle of Sierra juice standing in front of her while she played with her phone. Immediately, my mind played to the tune of my desire. I fell in love even without a word to her. But fear banged both my heart and mind.

"Maybe she is waiting for her fiance, or it could be that she is just like me who go out alone. What if I go there, and she slammed my face with insult? No, she can't." I argued in my mind. At last, I went to her.

"Hello, pretty doll." She did not answer. Her head was buried in her phone. I dragged the chair opposite her. She was still not distracted.

"This could be something serious," I said softly. I sat down and greeted again.

"Hi, pretty doll." She raised her head and stared at me. Though it was not a welcoming look, her blue eyes were captivating and consoling. She was deadly beautiful with a slight moustache. Oh, I cherished that!

"How did you call me?" she asked with a frown face.

"Pretty doll," I responded smilingly.

She smiled calmly and told me that she was not a doll but a human being. I told her I was sorry, and she accepted my apology.

"Are you here by yourself, or you are on somebody's train?" the interrogation started.

"Do I have to be brought by somebody? So is it only men who take women out and not the other way round?" She responded rudely.

I sensed the bitterness of society over emphasizing men. I just couldn't bother about that because I was not like that.

I was that kind of man who shy away from ladies. That was why I was single even when I was 30. I found it difficult to propose to ladies. It was just a mind defeat. That night, I told myself that what will happen will happen, but I will tell her my intention. My hand started shivering and a block of sweat started flowing from my armpit, then my whole body except my face. My voice too became tiny and shrunk. I breathe in and out. Immediately, what came out of my mouth was, 'I love you.' After saying this, I sat quietly as though the words did not come from me. She raised her head and looked at me widely. I was expecting first-degree insult, but she smiled at me and bowed her head to continue playing with her phone. There was nothing more I could say. I managed my shivering hand to take my malt and cool my choking chest. As I sat in shame, I heard a soft dull voice.

"I have the same feeling." When I heard that, my fears went away, and I became myself. We fell in love and got married.

After our wedding, we had a conversation about how to plan our family. Suddenly, Cicy told me that there was nothing to plan because she was not ready to lose herself all in the name of giving birth. I told her to stop taking pills until after our first child. She became annoyed and changed the conversation. I told her that if she continued to prevent herself from getting pregnant I will not have myself emptied in her again. She kept quiet because she liked romance and that was her happiest moment in our relationship. A few days without me touching her, she came begging.

"I will not take the pill again. I am ready to get pregnant for you," she said. I felt happy and moved by her outlook. After several months of sex without her getting pregnant, I became worried. I told her that we should go and see a doctor for checkups. Having consulted the doctor, we were told that the two of us were fine and that nothing was wrong with us. We are to wait for God's time.

I saw that my wife was happy with the doctor's report, but I was not. I needed my own child.

"Could it be that Cicy is secretly taking the pill?" I said in a cool voice. I decided to probe.

The following day when she went to her office, I searched our bedroom, but I did not see anything. I went to the other room to check. There I found something wrapped in a black plastic bag. I reached out to it, and it was a contraceptive pill. I stood in total disappointment and frustration. My mind was melting with what to do, but at that time, I needed to come down. I decided to change the medicine. I went and brought medicine that looked like it and exchanged it. When it was night and I was to go in with her, she told me she was going to drink water. I knew it was not that, but I allowed her to go. She went and took the pill not knowing that I changed it. That night, we had cool sex. I felt like never before.

Two months after that, she was found to be pregnant. I was very happy. At last, my emptiness would be filled. One morning, I mean very early in the morning, Cicy woke me up. I thought it was for morning romance as she normally did, rather she told me she was going to abort the pregnancy.

"Whaaaat!" I exclaimed terribly.

"I am not ready for this thing. I have once told you that I am not ready to lose myself." She said in a rude tone.

I was shocked. I couldn't believe Cicy's excesses would reach to a point of committing abortion. My own child that I am ready to take care of, God's gift. That morning was not easy for the two of us. I raised my hand to give her a deadly blow, but it was not me. I calmly put my hand down.

"This is God's gift to us why do you want to destroy it?" I asked her. She left me and went to the other room.

When the day broke, I prepared to go for work. She was still in bed. I went and knocked at the door. She opened it and told me she was not going to work. She was not feeling well. I left for office.

When I returned in the evening, I met Cicy dead. She had bled profusely as a result of abortion and there was nobody to take her to the hospital. I did not see any abortion pill. I bowed to listen to her heartbeat again, and I saw a cup under the sofa. The cup was having a trace of the mixture of lime and razor.

"Why have you done this to me?" I asked tearfully. My eyes became red and clouded with water. My head was bumping back and front, and I remembered mama's voice "She is not a wife material." She did not want to lose herself now she was more lost with no trace of her existence.