Relationships with people rarely remain static; as people change, their relationships with one another also change. Family relationships tend to change for the worse. This deterioration generally begins during the latter part of the first year of life and is readily apparent early in the second year. It is shown by a decrease in parental warmth toward the child and an increase in restrictiveness and punitiveness.
While relationships among family members may improve somewhat when the child first goes to school-whether it is nursery school, kindergarten, or the first grade they usually do not. Adjusting to school is always accompanied by emotional tension of greater or lesser severity, which is expressed in an increase in the number of behavior problems or in the intensity and frequency of those that already exist.
If the child makes satisfactory adjustments to school, home problems normally subside, only to flare up again later and lead to further deterioration in family relationships. As the child spends more and more time with people outside the home, new interests and values give rise to increasing friction with family members. In the closing years of childhood, family relationships steadily decline, and friction becomes the dominant aspect of the relationship pattern. The child whose adjustments to the academic and social aspects of school are poor or below his expectations will experience more family friction than the child who makes better adjustments.
CAUSES OF DETERIORATION
Deterioration in family relationships is caused by conditions which, to some extent, are controllable. As people change, there must be an adjustment in their relationships, or deterioration will set in. Because children change more than parents, most of the adjustment must be made by parents. When growth and development are most rapid, adjustments to the child and his changed needs are especially important if harmonious relationships are to exist.
Deterioration may occur in any family relationship, not only that between parent and child. A survey of the different types of relationships within the family will illustrate that deterioration in each has its own cause or causes.
Changes in Parent-Child Relationships.
In no area of a child's development is change more pronounced than in his decreasing dependence on others and his increasing need for independence and opportunity for achievement. Many parents fail to recognize how rapidly the child outgrows his infantile dependency. Even if they do recognize it, some mothers, for selfish reasons, refuse to adjust to it and thus thwart the child's natural strivings. Whenever a strong need is thwarted—and need for independence is one of the strongest needs of childhood-it will lead to friction. And because the times when the desire for independence is strongest are during periods of rapid growth and development in babyhood and again at the end of childhood, these will be the most stressful times in the family. In commenting on the failure of many parents to recognize and adjust to the changed needs of their children.
Bowerman and Kinch have pointed out:
There would appear to be something like a law of perseveration in human relations, according to which we tend to react to another person in the same manner until there is some force operating, such as a status change imposed on the relationship which modifies our perception of the other and the way in which we shall react to them. We would expect, for this reason, that parents tend to hold the same demands and expectations of their children until a change in external circumstances forces them to look at their children from a new perspective. These changes are increase in growth and puberty changes and starting high school or junior high school.
Deterioration in parent-child relationships also comes when children fail to adjust to changed needs in their parents. As long as children are small and helpless, parents derive satisfaction from doing things for them and from the reward they receive in the form of childish love and dependency. When children no longer need to depend so much on their parents and are no longer as demonstrative in their affection, consideration, and respect, they often treat their parents in such a way that the parents feel rejected. Even when children are less critical and rebellious than is typical in the American culture of today, their changed behavior cannot fail to contribute to a deterioration in parent-child relationships.
Changes in the Family Pattern. Whenever there is a change in the accustomed pattern of family life, adjustments must be made by all family members. Otherwise, the homeo stasis of the family will be upset, and trouble will ensue. The arrival of a new baby in the home usually upsets every member of the family. Similarly, the arrival of an elderly relative as a permanent member of the household is always upsetting. When the pattern of family life is upset by upward or downward social mobility or by the mother going to work outside the home, the children who are only indirectly involved in these changes often develop strong feelings of insecurity and anxiety. These feelings contribute to an unhealthy emotional climate in the home and to a deterioration of all family relationships.
High value placed on socialization and peer acceptance has encouraged children to learn to accept the interests and values of their peers and to spend more and more time out side the home as they grow older. Further more, the trend toward suburban living has meant that the father spends more time commuting to and from work and less time at home. In addition, mechanization of the home has made it less necessary for the mother to call on children for help in house hold chores. All this adds to the tendency for the family unit to disintegrate, with cach family member going his own way and developing his own individual interests and values.
Each year, children grow further and further away from the family and closer and closer to people outside the home. Consequently, their contacts with family members are fewer and less influential and less meaningful than their contacts with people unrelated to the family unit.
Changes in Sibling Relationships. Deterioration in family relationships often spreads to sibling relationships. The older sister who regarded her younger sibling as an "adorable doll” when he was a baby later comes to consider him a "brat" when she is expected to be his unpaid baby-sitter. Similarly, the younger sibling who formerly regarded an older sibling as an idol finds that the idol loses its glamour when he treats him as a nuisance and refuses to play with him.
Changes in Relationships with Relatives. As children grow older, their relationships with their relatives, especially their grand parents, usually change. The doting grand mother who "spoiled" the child when he was a baby may turn into a strict disciplinarian, and the grandfather, who beamed with pride at the sight of his new grandson, may now terrify the young child by his scowls, his threats of a spanking, or his tales about what happens to naughty children after they die. The relationship of the child with his grandparents will be discussed in more detail later in the chapter.
Effects of Changes in Family Relationships.
Changes in family relationships sometimes result in more harmony. Unfortunately, this is the exception rather than the rule. Once poor relationships are established, they tend to persist and grow worse, partly because people develop the habit of reacting to one another in a particular way and partly be cause there is less and less communication between them and thus less understanding.
Studies of mothers' treatment of their babies have revealed that the way they treat them during infancy is significantly related to the way they treat them as they grow older. Changes occur in quantity rather than in quality of treatment; indulgent parents tend to become more indulgent, and rejective parents more rejective. Consequently, small frictions in early childhood are likely , to become major disruptions in late childhood.
- Family relationships reach their low point, and communication is likely to become almost nonexistent, during puberty. The pubescent child who feels that his parents do not understand him does not give them an opportunity to do so: he keeps his thoughts, feelings, and emotions to himself. Without communication, under standing is impossible. The parent whose only explanation for a rule is that "mother knows best" has a poorer relationship with her child than the one who believes that a child is entitled to know the reason for a rule.
If a child misinterprets his parents' behavior to mean that they reject him or love him less, he will become anxious, insecure, and rebellious. The parents, in turn, not understanding what is behind the child's behavior, unappreciated and rejected. In time, they will reject him because of the mutual hostility that is generated,: This vicious cycle may begin at any time, but it is most likely to begin early in childhood, when the child finds it difficult to understand the behavior of others unless the reasons for their behavior are spelled out for him in words he can comprehend. Once it begins, it is likely to gain momentum.
If one of the people involved in a poor relationship can change his attitude, the relationship may readily improve. This is most likely to occur if there is a period of separation to enable all involved to get a better perspective on the problem. Few children are away from home and parents long enough to gain the therapeutic effect of separation, however; even summer camping is not usually enough to allow parents to change the pattern of their behavior toward the child.
RESPONSIBILITY FOR DETERIORATION IN FAMILY RELATIONSHIPS
According to traditional belief, it "takes two to make a quarrel"; so does it take two to bring about a deterioration in an affectional relationship. Furthermore, in a quarrel, one person plays the aggressive role, while the other plays the defensive; it is thus the aggressor who starts the quarrel and the defendant who keeps it alive. Simi larly in family relationships, one person is more to blame than the other because one plays a more aggressive role. All evidence seems to point to the parents as the aggressors—the ones who are primarily responsible for the deterioration. Parents are the prime instigators even when the poor relationship is between siblings or between children and elderly relatives.
If parents showed no favoritism; if they did not expect older children to assume responsibility for younger siblings without sufficient compensation or reward for their personal sacrifices; if they did not make comparisons between siblings as a method of motivating each to greater effort; and if they did not grant privileges to younger siblings which they did not grant to older siblings, hostilities and rivalries would be kept to a minimum, and sibling relationships would then be more harmonious. Similarly, if parents showed a greater respect for elderly relatives, children would follow their example and have a better relationship with them.
If the child is constantly criticized by parents, he naturally believes that criticism is a permissible form of social relationship. When parents are dissatisfied with them selves and with the parental role, they are likely to be critical of the child and every thing he does. By contrast, parents who accept themselves are more acceptant of their children; they have little motivation to find fault with them or to try to change them.
As was stressed in the chapter on social development, the child must learn how to make social adjustments that will lead to social acceptance. As was further stressed, guidance should play an important role in this learning. The same is true of family relationships. The young and inexperienced child does not know how to establish satisfactory relationships with others. He must be taught, or he must have a good model to identify with and imitate. If parents show him how to get along well with others and if they set a good model of interfamily relationships, the child will make good adjustments too.