How to Make Peace with Your Family

With the holidays coming up, how many of us are secretly dreading spending time with family?

Think of those meals that are fraught with bickering, despite our best efforts. One wrong word is said, someone touches a sensitive nerve, and the conversation turns sour. In fact, according to a survey, more than 15 percent of Americans admitted that conversations with family around the dinner table stresses them out, with 1 in 10 of these ending in arguments.

The thing is, many of us bear our family-related scars all-year-round — they just happen to become more visible at this time of year. Some of us mistakenly think that with time, we can just “move on” and that time heals all. Unfortunately, this isn’t the case. Emotional healing takes dedication, work and practice. Without it, there’s a high chance we’ll get overwhelmed by emotions. When we are exposed to similar patterns and dynamics that we experienced as children, our traumas are reactivated. We lash out and become angry or upset.

The wounds run deep — and the cost we pay for them is high. A recent study found that strained family relations with parents, siblings or extended family members may be more harmful to our health than a troubled relationship with a significant other. The research shows that family emotional climate has a big effect on overall health, including the development or worsening of chronic conditions such as strokes and headaches over the 20-year span of midlife.

Not only is holding on to resentment is detrimental to your emotional and mental wellbeing, but it’s also impacting your physical health substantially.

Here is how one can move on from pain and trauma, towards acceptance and love:

Let go of the Fantasy of the Perfect Family

Families aren’t perfect, even if TV adverts and Hollywood tropes would have us think otherwise. Picture those sit coms engraved in our pop-culture lexicon, such as Gilmore Girls or Full House. They feature variations of the same parental archetype: the cool, doting Mums and Dads, devoted to raising their children. Always ready to offer advice, support and giving their kids a pat on the back. Never judging and always saying the right thing. In these TV shows or commercials, quality time around the dinner table is relaxed and fun. Parents and kids are best of buds.

While for some people (few, I suspect) this may be the reality, for others it is a mirage. Childhood is actually a minefield of trauma and disappointment, peppered with occasional happy moments. Perhaps, their house resembled a war zone and their parents were narcissists, or often working away from home. Perhaps they have been abandoned and abused. Their needs as children were often not met. They don’t quite know what unconditional love looks like.

If that is the case, remember that you’re not alone. Many of us have had a less-than-ideal childhood. Each one of us experienced some kind of trauma. Because families aren’t supposed to be perfect. Humans are flawed.

But if deep down, you are still wishing that our parents or siblings would change and finally understand you, you are not living in the present. You are clinging to our childhood fantasy. If you live in the hope that your family will accept you and give you the unconditional love you craved for growing up, you will continue to be disappointed.

Wishing that things were different is a form of resistance that slows down the healing process. Don’t get stuck in the past. You may not have had a great relationship with a parent, caregiver or sibling growing up — but don’t let it define your life and affect the course of your path moving forward.

Remind yourself that if you are who you are today, it’s especially because of your rough upbringing. We don’t grow out of comfort, but out of the battles we fought. We grow when we find strength in the dark times because we know that better ones are coming.