Suicide: It's tempting. But no, no still!

LIKE THE LEAVES IN FALL TIME, all my developing hopes and passions are withering away. I think I am astray. It has been like this recently. I wonder if something is even right at the moment. All, everything, that I dream of despite efforts to achieve them seems denied of probability everytime I even start realizing them. If dreams were considered 'life', I thought, then I am guilty of abortion. How many times had I been denied a dream stillborn? How many?

What is there that awaits a man with dreams far bigger that his capacity, I wonder? Will it lead him to a path of fulfillment therof? Or to the wrath of abject uncertainty and eventual agony thereof? Big dreams that occupies the mind does often dwarves the physical power to pursue them. For it cannot be denied that big dreams drives the person to be wild and ultra hopeful but then constantly troubled. To what end till a man insist that big dreams will make the dreamer a big achiever when present situation show otherwise? Will you really dream at the top of the mountains or get down and start getting things done?

Looking back, I now think that everything that I was doing was pointless and worthless. I am desperately trying to find a path to belong at but was always demoralized when fate seem to be having fun denying me success at every endeavor I make. Until now, nothing seems to work out for me. Nothing at all. This is such a terrible time for me. Problems after problems arose even before the previous ones has settled and solved.

This recurring thoughts always comes to mind lately, that If and when my time comes, I know that I have lived my life my way. It may not be a life well lived, but it still is a life that lived. My ways , the choices I made and the destinations I reached (good or bad, big or small) , were all contributory to where and what I am now.. or was. Have I been contented? Do I have no regrets? The answer is no. Sometimes in life you reach a point where although there are so many choices and so many things you still can do you opted however to settle for what you think befits your current status. That's me. I think I did my part somehow. I think I can call it a life already. I think I'm tired. I think I'm quitting. I think I'm giving up. I think there are those who are not meant to make it to the end. And I think I'm one of them. This is scary thought. Scary indeed. I am a decision away from death. What would it be then?

As such I feel like I am hanging on a cliff ready to give in to the demand of giving up. And alarmingly my head is all set for a descent. Many a times I seriously considered ending it all with a single pull of that trigger. The hoodlum inside of me tells this poor soul to convince this pathetic body to just cut it off. Let go of that agony caused by uncertainty. Just let your flesh be still and your soul wander the atmosphere. Just rest and everything will fall in line, it says. Just die. It is really a scary time in my life.

But somehow, somehow, Hope is always my saving grace. Even the tiniest of hope left keeps me going. Holding on to it believing that there has to be something for people who do not give up. Perhaps foolishly, the hoodlum part of me was obviously no match for the egoistic bravado of the other me. This prideful side mock the dying resolve as a final means to end it all. It confidently asserts its fighting chance claiming that thriump is nearer than ever before

I know there are those who feels the same as me. But this much I can tell you: The most certain way to succeed is to not give up it seems, hence my undying hope. This simplistic view about success is what drives me to hope for the best despite dire circumstances. Sometimes in life all you need to is just wait and hope that your agonies will pass.

Every once in a while we are and will be tempted to quit and give up, it happens.

When things get a little challenging and it makes inutile our efforts, quitting and giving up appears to be the sweetest resolves.

When we are all so fed up and suck as we sometimes will with our daily task, quitting and giving up seems nothing else but consoling.

When nobody seem to care and we think we're fighting a losing battle, quitting and giving up feels like a rightful choice.

But, my dearest friend, it is during these trying times that quitting and giving up must be outrightly forsaken.

For I tell you that it is exactly these times that determines what will worthily be ours. It is during these times that rewards are brewed to perfection. And the only way to savor that is to never quit and to never give up.

And so cheer up, lad! Pick yourself up and dust yourself down, we still have a fight to make.