@renren16 2 June 2021 edited more from that month

Be Hated or Not?

As what others say, "*Love yourself first before others*." In my case, do I really have to do that, if I already came to the point that I hate mine? I am writing this piece not because I want to brag about myself but I just want to share the reasons about what I said earlier. Everyone of us, have different characteristics and attitude that are not good-looking for other people to see or feel. And now, I am sharing mine, for you to find out if I still deserve to be in this place. Because sometimes, other people say something terrible to me, and I get to used to it, though it hurts me badly, to the point that I attempt to end it. This might be the reasons behind it.

***Lack of Confidence*** Since then, I don't have enough confidence in myself that's why I tend to fall short often times. In everything I do, I always doubt myself if I am really capable enough of doing so. I always think of "what if's" in anything that I wanted to do. I easily get nervous in front of the people. I am not confident enough to face my battles along side with my attitude.

***Short Temper*** I am not so sure the reasons of this problem of mine. But there is just in something or someone I hate maybe. I easily get angry when I am uncomfortable or I get triggered or maybe because I just don't like it. There was one time that I thrown things at my room because I lost my phone. I suddenly throw a punch and slapped a person because I hate him for being so insensitive of me.(brutal? selfish?)🤔I really wanted to control it, honestly, I hate myself for being like this. Its stressing me out, a lot. But I don't know how and where do I start to do it, by the way.

***Sense of Responsibility*** Sometimes, I am blaming myself in something that were not expected to happened. I always say, "Its my fault", but the mere fact, I didn't do anything . I'm just thinking that I am responsible for it. Kinda weird right? Or you may say I'm a crazy one, but this is really I am.

***Overthinking*** This is the worst of them all. I really overthink a lot in everything. I keep imagining things beyond expectations. Delusions to be precised. I keep thinking that this one should be like this and like that. I have a fear of losing something or someone, a fear to become failure. I also tend to become more suspicious to someone, especially when they do rush things to me or they broke my trust to them. I came to the point that, if that particular person seems to do something bad again, I always ask for an evidence (like sending pictures).😅 Honestly, I just want to act who really I am, but I keep putting in my mind those words that others already thrown at me. I can't avoid it. I admit I am impaired and imperfect, yet I have a heart too. 🥺 What do you think? Can you still consider me as part of this place? Thank you for time reading😊 Have a great day everyone.😇 Visit me on noise cash noise.cash/u/renren16