@ivanjhona 23 January 2021 more from that month

Love and live on my terms.. Finding myself has never been so beautiful.

I tried for so long to hide from all the things I didn’t want to face. I’d smile through the heartache and tears, saying that I was just lost. Truthfully, I’d make any excuse to bury the pain and try to forget the past. I thought it was easier to ignore what i was feeling so I could attempt to create a safe haven from my thoughts- though they never seemed to stop running through my mind. I hid from the truth with the hopes that I could find a way through the memories.. that I could avoid the reality of things I never made peace with. Everything I tried never worked out the way I had hoped. All I could ever do was buy myself moments of respite from the buried pain and hidden memories. That’s when I realized I couldn’t run from the past anymore if I wanted to ever really build a happy future. I had to face my truths and confront my fears if I hoped to find real and lasting peace. All the excuses and claims of being lost never did anything but make me more anxious. I realized that I had to stop hiding and start living my life if I wanted to be happy. I have days when I can’t stop thinking about where I’ve been and there’s many nights that the worries keep me awake. Thankfully, each step along the way gets a little easier and my heart finds a little more happiness as I edge a little further away from the pain. There’s still storms in my soul, but as long as I keep moving forward, they’re not as often or as intense. There are more and more moments of hope and light the harder I push myself free of the chaos I once dwelled in. I may never be able to completely put the past away, but I don’t want to.. those are the lessons I was always meant to learn along the way. The good and the bad- the pain and the joy- each makes up a little piece of who I am. I’m taking back my power and owning my magic. I’m done hiding. Now, I’m going to do what I should have all along: Love and live on my terms.. Finding myself has never been so beautiful.. Each and every day, the person that I’m seeing in the mirror now is exactly who I was always meant to be: Happy, free and truly alive.