@ideallife 11 May 2022

Is this a plain lack of creativity or this is just normal? What feeling is this one? Let me just describe it without first consulting Google or other internet sites... I feel unusually gloomy. It is as if I have robbed myself of all things that might make me happy. With the things I used to fantasize about, I have lost my appetite. I feel cold and sick. And I don't feel joy at all. I feel like I am at the bottom. I feel like those whom I want to love me don't care about me at all. I feel so outright ugly and that the past doesn't matter anymore because of how I look at the present. I feel dejected. Being held back by I know not what. I feel so down. I feel so unappreciated. I feel as if I have no striking quality at all. I feel as if I have not thought anything to my students. I feel as if I have not done my best at all. Or are these guilt feelings or sighs of helplessness for indeed not doing my best? I feel very sick. Such that one last smoke would lead me to the other side. Although I have not smoked anymore since decades ago. I feel so powerless. I hate the activist's stance. As if they are ready to strike anyone who doesn't share their beliefs. I am torn between the parties. I have no say at all yet I can't rant at all. I want peace despite wanting to voice my stance. I just could not. And I am feeling so dejected and lost. Is there a sun that is willing to wait for me out there? Will someone ever understand the deepest sigh in my mouth? Does this wall perhaps discern what I am heading for? Should I go to a psychologist? Should I not care anymore? Why do I feel so overwhelmed? Can't I just get moving and fix what I can while I still have time? I feel cold, sick, and robbed of happiness both by myself and by others. Perhaps, unknowingly... Don't give up on yourself. I hear the echo of my friends' supposed advice in case I told them all these things. Yet I did not tell them how I am feeling. Perhaps, some will talk me out smoothly. And I hate that. In the end, I didn't want help from the outside. Oh, I believe I want help! But I am afraid they won't do what I like them to do for me. To just listen and listen and listen and listen until I will be the one to tell them I am all good. How nice of them if that will be... Yet I am not confident at all. I know some who can absorb and just like that, they don't tell on me to others. I would have wanted to converse with that friend. But then, there will be a great price to pay. I can't pay that. Now I turn myself on the wall. No, this very wall I am writing on. This virtual wall. May I give my gratitude to you? I owe you for now, back then, and I guess, forever. I will owe you forever... For giving me such a place to talk, despite my silence, I thank you very much! And to answer the question I asked myself if this is a plain lack of creativity or if this is just normal, I honestly think this happens from time to time to a lot of people... Till then, Great Wall. Be still until I return for another article...