@d12321
joke The best husband is an astronaut: the salary is large, he is on a business trip for six months, and if he returns, the whole country knows.
@d12321
@d12321 in November 2022
@d12321
@d12321
joke I don’t leave my wife because I’m too lazy to get a divorce and raise a new one.
@d12321
joke My husband is bad at math. Therefore, when I tell him: "Drink no more than three glasses and go home by ten!", He always confuses the numbers.
@d12321
joke I firmly decided: I will not start a lover. Let the husband suffer alone.
@d12321
Tokens that skyrocketed in price over the past week: 5 leaders Several altcoins immediately rose in price after billionaire Elon Musk completed a deal to buy the social network Twitter On the night of October 27, billionaire Elon Musk changed his biography on his Twitter account to Chief Twit, which can be translated as “chief on tweets” or perceived as a pun - “chief cretin.” The entrepreneur visited the company's headquarters in San Francisco and posted a video of him…
@d12321
joke Spouses, do not look at each other's phone! Remember! The less you know, the more you love!
@d12321
joke If a husband is poorly fed, he becomes so thin that a wedding ring falls off his finger.
@d12321
joke What do officials and pirates have in common? - They like to bury other people's money in the ground. - What's the difference? - Pirate treasures are at least sometimes found, but the treasures of officials - never.
@d12321
joke SMS before the wedding: "I love, I'm waiting, I miss you." SMS after the wedding: "Bread, toilet paper, milk."
@d12321
joke Before, I remember, I was even a donor. And now the wife drinks all the blood to the last drop.
@d12321
joke - Son, remember, the main one in the family is me. - Dad, does mom know about this? - Shh, don't say a word to mom!
@d12321
joke Yesterday, for an hour, my husband listened to me with his mouth open ... I took a closer look - he was sleeping!
@d12321
joke My wife asked me to give her a tube of lipstick, but I mixed it up and gave a tube of superglue. She still doesn't talk to me.
@d12321
joke A neighbor comes in the other day and says to mine: - I had a fight with mine. May I live with yours?,
@d12321
joke The wife asks her husband: - I would like to know if you will love me when my hair turns gray? - Hmm... Did I fall out of love with you when your hair turned black, white, purple?..
@d12321
joke But it's interesting! All the men, when they wash the dishes, rest their heads on the cabinet above the sink? Or is it just my fear of fainting?!
@d12321
jokes Wife, getting into the car: - Fu! What is this holey sock hanging???!!! Husband: - You asked to hang "stink" ....
@d12321
joke On Sunday my wife and I went to choose wallpaper for the kitchen. If the registry office worked that day, they would have already divorced.
@d12321
tell jokes The archer comes to the king and reports: - Tsar-father, sad news... A secret underground passage leading to your wife's bedroom has been discovered... "Coup is preparing Herods!" thought the king. "Jerk!" thought the wife.
@d12321
joke If your husband is freaking out, give him expired yogurt! Let him freak out somewhere else...
@d12321
joke Before, my wife taught me how to live in the evenings. I bought her a laptop, connected the Internet. Now teaching others!
@d12321
joke If your hobby becomes your job, you will no longer have a hobby, and you will become a bore who lives only for work.
@d12321
joke A real man was invented by women to scare their husbands with him.
@d12321
joke Judge: - You swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth? Me not. Judge: No? Me not. Judge (whispering to the jury): - And what to do next?
@d12321
joke A gnome comes to the store and turns to the saleswoman: - Weigh, please, 25 grams of cheese. Saleswoman (exit): - Aren't you going to eat? - You will be rude - I will ask you to cut
@d12321
joke I wonder why they don't write before the beginning of porn films: "Based on true events."?
@d12321
Arweave token has risen in price by 52% in a day The value of the altcoin skyrocketed after a major social network started using its NFT storage platform The Arweave token has risen in price by 52% per day, then the current levels are about $15.1. At its peak, the price of the altcoin exceeded $17.4, having updated the maximum since mid-May. The market capitalization of the cryptocurrency is $768.9 billion with daily trading volumes of $507.6 billion, according to CoinGecko.…
@d12321
joke The lady tells her friend: - I painted my eyebrows, eyelashes, lips, fingernails and toenails ... I can’t stop! I went to the yard and painted the fence more.
@d12321
joke Guys, I responsibly declare to you that if a woman invites you for a cup of tea, then this is a gross trick and an unscrupulous deception! Tea, perhaps, will be only in the morning. You have to wait all night!
@d12321
Cryptocurrency Litecoin grew by 10% Litecoin was trading at $66,740 at 16:26 (13:26 GMT) Index on Friday, up 10.31% on the day. It was the sharpest daily rise in cryptocurrency since November 2. This growth pushed Litecoin's market cap to $4,729B, 0.45% of the market cap of all cryptocurrencies. Earlier, at its peak, Litecoin capitalization was $25,609B. During the last 24 hours, the Litecoin currency has been trading in a range of $61,690 to $67,220. Over the past 7 days,…
@d12321
joke Conversation with the watchman of the women's hostel: - And who do you want, young man? - And who do you recommend to me?
@d12321
joke When was democracy born? - When God brought Adam to Eve and said: "Choose your wife." a
@d12321
joke If you are tired and sleepy and you have very noisy children at home, tell them to wake you up in 30 minutes so that we can start cleaning the house. They will literally do anything to not wake you up.
@d12321
Here is my income for 10 days! I found a site where interest is calculated every day !! On this site, the more cryptocurrencies you start, the greater the percentage of daily accrual !!
@d12321
tell jokes Two girlfriends are drinking at the bar. And then one says to the other: - Look on the left at those two old whores. This is how we will be in 10 years... - Fool, this is a mirror!!!
@d12321
joke When a person steals because he is hungry, you can understand him. But when he steals from the hungry, being a billionaire, this is already a disease.
@d12321
joke Previously, when meeting, they took off their hats. Now take out the earpiece. Two are given as a sign of special respect.
@d12321
joke Today, millions of experts in all fields of activity have left the Internet - they have gone to school after the summer holidays!
@d12321
tell jokes An infinite number of mathematicians enter the bar. The first one says: "Half a liter of beer, please." The second says: - And I - a quarter liter. Third: - And I - one-eighth. Fourth: - And I - one sixteenth. Bartender: Hey, hey, hey, wait! Here's a liter for you, don't brainwash me!
@d12321
joke A man approaches the neighbor's fence and knocks. Nobody. Knocking again. Silence. He sees a dog approaching from the other side of the fence and says: - Well, why are you knocking? Can't you see that no one is home? The man is in a swoon. Opens eyes. Above him is the same dog. “Dog, don’t you know how to bark?” - Why? I can. I just didn't want to scare you.
@d12321
joke And when I was in school, we didn't have security guards. The cleaner with a wet rag coped with everything.
@d12321
joke The beggar asks a passer-by: - Submit for food. - Sorry, friend, no change, I have a card. - It's because of people like you that I had to buy a mobile terminal. Give me your card here.
@d12321
joke Once Holmes and Watson flew in a balloon. And fell asleep. They wake up over some unfamiliar terrain, it’s nice - some guy is grazing cows below. They descended and asked the peasant: "Tell me, sir, where do we ship?" (thought for a long time) - In a balloon. - Thank you sir! - and went up. Holmes says thoughtfully: — Interesting area, Watson! The programmer grazes the cows! — But, Holmes, what makes you think that he is a programmer? - It's elementary! First, he…
@d12321
joke SMS from wife to mistress: I bought new underpants for my husband. you will be with him - CHECK IT OUT. SMS from his mistress to his wife: There in the new shorts, in the pocket "Candy" - this is for you.
@d12321
jokes And where does our elite become infected with covid? She does not use public transport, does not go shopping. There is only one explanation: the waiters spit in the food.
@d12321
joke If a person does not take loans at current interest, then the education he received can be considered of high quality.
@d12321
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@d12321
joke I made a second profile, so ... follow my wife. We met, we flirted. I found out that I died two years ago.
@d12321
joke The patient asks the doctor: Doctor, will I be cured? Doctor: Yes, I'm interested...
@d12321
tell jokes Breakfast like a king, lunch like a prince, dinner like a beggar. Everything seems to be so, but ... I have breakfast like a king - I don’t want this, I won’t. I dine like a prince - well, I don’t know, maybe we’ll eat ... I dine like a beggar - I eat everything I find!
@d12321
joke — Victim, do you recognize the person who stole your car? “Your Honor, after his lawyer's speech, I'm not even sure if I had a car.
@d12321
joke A man is sitting at home, suddenly powerful deaf blows to the floor begin, from a neighbor below. Everything is shaking. After suffering for about ten minutes, he comes down and calls. A drunken neighbor opens, with a helmet on his head: - Seryoga! Come in! I bought a trampoline!
@d12321
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@d12321
tell jokes Mother to son: "Each of your tricks is one gray hair on my head." Son, looking at the grey-haired grandmother: "I see you were also a crazy eccentric in your youth."
@d12321
joke Good advice: Before spending money on the services of clairvoyants, psychics, sorceresses and other charlatans, think carefully why we never see newspaper headlines: "The clairvoyant won the lottery" ?!
@d12321
joke -Doctor, what is the real height with my weight? - Four meters.
@d12321
joke Ox, guys, how did I get burned! My wife was on a long business trip and returned a day earlier. And I have borsch in the refrigerator, and the floors are washed, and the flowers are watered ... - Why have you been lying to me all your life that you don’t know how? - the wife asks. - I had to do everything around the house myself. I tried to explain to her that it was not me, that the woman drove. I didn't believe it! Because when she came in, I was washing the dishes.
@d12321
tell jokes Whisper: Hello? Hello, is dad home? Child quietly: - Yes, but he's busy... - Is mom at home? - She is also very busy... - Is there anyone else at home? - Uncles policemen and firefighters... - Well, at least call! - I can't, they are also very, very busy ... - God, why are they all so busy ?! The child is still in the same whisper: - They are looking for me ...
@d12321
joke Note to mature women: To the question: "How old are you?" you must answer: "Oh, yes, every year is different."
@d12321
joke The candidate is asked: - Why did you decide to run? - Look at what's going on! Power is mired in luxury, corruption and idleness! And you want to fight all this? - Why? I want to participate in all this.
@d12321
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@d12321
joke Today at work there was no INTERNET for an hour and a half ... We drank all the tea ... we talked ... we met ...
@d12321
joke Lazy people do everything quickly. To get out of work as soon as possible. And they do quality work. So as not to redo
@d12321
joke Women's logic: wait for the prince, and then be indignant that he lies on the couch and does not work hard like a worker or peasant
@d12321
joke A banker is a person who will lend you a handkerchief for the price of a sheet, but demand that you return the duvet cover.
@d12321
joke At dinner, the daughter announced that she had written a letter to Santa Claus. She said that she asked for a computer for herself, and for her mother a mink coat ... Santa Claus choked on tea
@d12321
joke From the forum: - We need a gnome costume, size 54, height 178. First comment: - It’s even scary to imagine Snow White
@d12321
joke The old man married the young. A year later, her grandfather brought her to the hospital to give birth. - Well, you give! the doctor said. — You must always keep the engine running! Grandpa answered proudly. A year later, he again brings his wife to give birth. - Well, grandpa, you can! the doctor was surprised. — The motor must be kept working! Grandpa answered proudly. A year later, the wife gives birth again. Doctor to grandfather: - Hey, grandfather, change the oil…
@d12321
tell jokes Ad. The restaurant needs a bouncer to explain to the previous bouncer that he is no longer working.
@d12321
tell jokes “Dear, Count, the children have just passed, and they are causing a demon. Horror. “Does it bother you that it was you who appeared at that moment?”
@d12321
joke Today I went to the barbershop for a shave. And the hairdresser asked me to put a wooden ball in my mouth to better shave my cheeks. I tell him: “And if I swallow it?” - It's OK. Bring it the next day, like everyone else does...
@d12321
joke A bad reputation is when you do not live the way others want.
@d12321
joke Women's proverb: Rich men never get old.
@d12321
joke “Your husband needs absolute rest. I'll prescribe sedative pills. - And when will it be necessary to give them to him? - Never! Tablets for you
@d12321
joke In the theaters of ancient Greece, there was a worker who beat noisy spectators with a stick. Yesterday I was at the cinema and realized that the ancient civilizations were really advanced.
@d12321
joke When you put one sock on your left foot, the second one automatically becomes the right one. And instantly, regardless of the distance between your legs. This is the essence of quantum entanglement.
@d12321
joke I drew a mustache and came to work, and women with painted eyebrows said that I was a fool!
@d12321
joke Hello, hello, dear, where are you?... - Hello, I'm at home. I'm going to sleep. And you? - And I'm next to you in the bar, drinking at the next table ...
@d12321
joke The children's stomach is interesting: when the last three spoons of soup no longer fit into it, 3 cookies, 5 sweets and a liter of juice fit perfectly there ...
@d12321
joke “Darling, count, just passed by the children, and they call the demon. Horror. “Doesn’t it bother you that it was you who appeared at that moment?”
@d12321
joke The conductor of the train crossing the border comes up to the head of the train and says: - The customs officers in my car opened the lining and found smuggled red caviar! What to do? - Give them 10 cans. - I did. They don't take. Offer them 100 bucks. - She suggested. They don't take. “Get them into your compartment and offer yourself. - Started. Do not want. “Then drive them away. These are not customs...
@d12321
joke I heard that your wife wrecked the car? - Well, yes, I broke it. - Is she even alive? - For now, yes, I locked myself in the bathroom.
@d12321
joke The wife of the plumber Petrov for a month could not interrogate her husband to fix the faucet in the kitchen. I had to call officially...
@d12321
joke - Why do they say that wild birds lay eggs, while domestic ones carry them? - Everything is obvious: domestic birds carry - because for you, and wild ones lay it off - because for themselves. I also bring money to the bank, but I save it for myself.
@d12321
jokes At the doctor's appointment: - my husband needs absolute rest. I'll prescribe sedative pills. And when should they be given? - Never! Tablets are for you.
@d12321
joke -Dad, what was the name of Adam's mother-in-law? - He did not have a mother-in-law, son ... He lived in paradise.
@d12321
joke - Son, go to the store? What about the magic word? - Turn off the internet! - I'm on my way!
@d12321
joke All parties strive for power, believing that it is their way of robbing the population that is the most just.
@d12321
joke We are representatives of the most ancient profession: we sleep for money. - Confused, or what? We are the watchman.
@d12321
joke Grandfather comes to the polling station, approaches one of the members of the commission and asks: - Can I find out if my wife voted? - Of course, we'll see. Yes, she signed. And what, grandfather, you do not live together? - No, she died 15 years ago, but every year she comes to vote. And I can't stop her.
@d12321
joke The secretary enters the boss's office: - From now on, I will have a salary of a thousand dollars and 4 days off a week! Chief with sarcasm: - Who told you that, dear? — Gynecologist and lawyer!!!
@d12321
joke Of all the household gadgets, the most popular is the refrigerator! He is the leader in views! - Yes, and in terms of attendance too ...
@d12321
joke - And how did it manage to break your jaw in three places? - Yes, I work on an excavator. On Friday evening I look - the sewer hatch is not closed. Well, I think some kid will fall down over the weekend! He took it and covered it with a ladle. On Monday I come, I start up, I lift the bucket - and from there three plumbers!
@d12321
joke A doctor of physical and mathematical sciences came to an amazing conclusion, studying apartment receipts for February: if the public utilities actually supplied the house with as much heat for how much they want money, the explosion would be visible from Mars with the naked eye.
@d12321
joke -What are you doing now? — I am engaged in socially useful work. - What? - I'm not bothering anyone.
@d12321
joke SMS from wife to mistress: I bought new underpants for my husband. you will be with him - CHECK IT OUT. SMS from his mistress to his wife: There, in new shorts, in a Rafaelo pocket - this is for you.
@d12321
joke Here you go to the museums of modern art, and the soul rejoices - it turns out that I was not so bad at drawing as a child!
@d12321
joke There comes a time in every man's life when clean socks are easier to buy.
@d12321
joke I don't know if a collective mind really exists, but as for collective madness, there is not the slightest doubt about it!
@d12321
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@d12321
Modern riddle: Not eating, not drinking, but constantly growing? Correct Answer: Prices.
@d12321
joke How are civilized people different from savages? - In an epidemic, civilized people give out bandages for free, and savages raise prices 30 times.
@d12321
joke The maniac sprayed the money with poison and donated it to an orphanage. Twenty deputies died, two mayors and one minister. The children were not hurt.
@d12321
joke Inscription in the toilet: "In case of bombing, hide under this toilet. No one has hit it yet" Cleaning lady.
@d12321
joke The ruling party that has just won a victory needs armed protection from the people who have just supported it.
@d12321
joke 3 men went to the bath - Hard worker, Businessman and Deputy. Undress... and ALL TO THE KNEES! The Hard Worker has hands, the Businessman has a stomach, and the Deputy has a tongue.
@d12321
joke "Pampers" are the only diapers recommended by the Union of Pediatricians. The Union of Pediatricians is the only union created specifically to recommend Pampers diapers...
@d12321
joke Dear Santa Claus! Let the president, government and deputies live on child care allowance in the new year.
@d12321
joke A baby monkey will always grow into a monkey, a piglet into a pig, a foal into a donkey, a kid into a goat... And only a human child can grow into any of the above.
@d12321
joke If in the elections they voted for which of the deputies to plant, then the voter turnout would be close to 100%.
@d12321
joke Thor Heyerdahl during one of his travels made friends with the leader of the cannibal tribe and told him something about the history of European civilization. The leader was particularly struck by the story of two world wars. “So, you killed all this abyss of people not to eat, but just to bury in the ground?” he asked several times. - Well, you and savages!
@d12321
joke Remember, in the morning I ran around the apartment with a joyful cry: "Hurrah! I finally found these damn keys !!!"? - Well, yes: - You did not see where I put them after that?
@d12321
joke At the rehearsal of the orchestra, the conductor is dissatisfied with the performance of the drummers: - If a musician cannot play anything, he is given two sticks, and he becomes a drummer. A whisper from the orchestra: - And if he can't cope with the drum, one stick is taken away from him, and he becomes a conductor.
@d12321
joke When asked why the heating was given 10 days late, the Minister of Energy said that it was a shame not to know physics, and that water expands when heated and does not fit well into pipes.
@d12321
joke - Honey, if I seduce your husband, will we remain friends? - Not. "So we're going to be enemies?" - Not. - And then what? — We'll be quits.
@d12321
joke A mortally tired husband comes home and says to his wife: - Dear, please serve dinner, and then I will rest - I am not for anyone! Ate, lies on the couch, watches TV. At this time, the phone rings. The wife picks up the phone. Wife: Hello! Yes. Yes. Husband at home... Husband: — I asked!!! Wife: - Calm down, dear, they are not calling you.
@d12321
joke - Who are you? “Madame, I am the man of your fantasies!” — Hmm... Why one?
@d12321
joke Our team is creative! One walks, pretending to be smart, so that they pay more .... the second is a fool to work less...
@d12321
joke The neighbor shared: — I bought tea for weight loss. Nothing like that with cake.
@d12321
joke Still, there is justice in the world. My mother-in-law moved in with a neighbor who had been doing repairs for half a year and waking us up early with the roar of a perforator every day. Forever!
@d12321
joke - Nevertheless, our free medicine works much better than paid ones. —? - Paid medicine motivates you to earn more and the more ruin your health, and free medicine incredibly motivates you never to encounter it again, and a person, willy-nilly, begins to monitor his health.
@d12321
joke Promotion from the manufacturer of pregnancy tests "Trade a positive test for a rattle!".
@d12321
joke In the minibus, the woman realized that she had forgotten her wallet at home ... There was a bar of chocolate in her purse. Without a long duiaya, she passes it to the driver for the fare. The driver smiled, took out 3 caramels from his pocket and said: - Take the change!
@d12321
joke Regularity. If you take any official and imprison him for 10 years with the wording: "You know what for", then everyone will know exactly what he is sitting for.
@d12321
jokes - In films, caring wives always smile when their husband pours a glass of vodka from a misted carafe to the borscht. Tried a family of wives. Movies lie!
@d12321
joke Men, don't try to understand women. Not only do women sometimes wash their hair separately from the body, but some also wash their bangs separately from the whole head.
@d12321
joke Have you seen how a woman removes her bra through the sleeve of her sweater? Imagine what it can do to your brain.
@d12321
joke The government decided to please pensioners with a new benefit - a free flight around the Sun. Once a year, on planet Earth.
@d12321
joke A completely naked lady walks into a bar. Approaches the bar counter, sits down... The bartender looks attentively. She told him: - Well, what are you staring at? Have you ever seen a naked woman? He: - Yes, I saw a woman. I'm just wondering where you're going to get the money from...
@d12321
joke The best age for children is when you no longer lead them by the hand, and they do not yet lead you by the nose!
@d12321
joke A pretty blonde came to the office to get a job, stands in front of the elevator and cries. The security guard approaches and asks: - What problems the girl? “Yes, you see, they told me that in order to get to the personnel department, you need to take this elevator to the third floor and to the right. And here the buttons are only up and down ...
@d12321
joke It's a shame when someone who is desperately wanting to sleep has to put someone who doesn't want to sleep at all to sleep.
@d12321
joke - Judging by the absence of 2 fingers on your hand, are you a milling machine? No, a dentist.
@d12321
joke I stand still, washing the dishes. I do not swear, I do not yell. in general, I'm doing well. the husband could not stand it, came up, gently tapped his head with his finger and said in my ear: "Hey, cockroaches! Did you die there?"
@d12321
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@d12321
When the confused woman also changed the wheel on the truck, the trucker realized that he had found his destiny.
@d12321
joke Monday morning. A guy with a buttock, coming to a beer stall. Seller - "Hello, doctor!"
@d12321
joke In the psychiatric hospital, a cry from the ward: "I am the messenger of God!" From the next room: "I didn't send anyone!"
@d12321
joke A drunken man falls out of a bar and starts running his hands over the roofs of parked cars. One passerby saw and said: So you won't find your car! There are no numbers on the roof, and the stamp is not worth it. - Back off! Mine has a blinker.
@d12321
Unfortunately, you will see the true face of a person only when you no longer benefit him.
@d12321
joke Lazy people do everything quickly. To get out of work as soon as possible. And they do quality work. So you don't have to redo it later!
@d12321
Man is such a king of nature who strives to do everything in order to remain without a kingdom.
@d12321
joke SMS: I miss you already! - I, too! and who are you? - Taxi driver, I've been waiting for half an hour.
@d12321
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@d12321
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@d12321
joke A panda eats an average of 12 hours a day. A man eats like a panda during quarantine. Because of this, it is called a pandemic.
@d12321
joke Women, remember: no lip gloss will ever match the effect of eye glitter!
@d12321
joke - Doctor, what is normal height with my weight? - Four meters, girl, four meters ...
@d12321
Healthy food has only one drawback: after it you want to eat even more ...
@d12321
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@d12321
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@d12321
God did not send cheese to the crow today, the fox had to go to crime!😄
@d12321
Security, believe me, does not sleep at all! She just pretends to be cunning!😄