@bam94
@bam94
A husband stepped on one of those penny scales that tell you your fortune and weight and dropped in a coin. "Listen to this," he said to his wife, showing her a small, white card. "It says I'm energetic, bright, resourceful and a great person." "Yeah," his wife nodded, "and it has your weight wrong, too."
@bam94
Ok, I know, there are too many "man walks into a bar" jokes. But this one made me smile :) Man walks into a bar and immediately notices two pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling. "What's with the meat?", he asks the barman. "Oh, that's just a little competition.", the barman explained. "If you can jump up and catch a piece of meat between your teeth, then you get a free drink.". "If you fail, however, you buy the whole bar a drink.". "Would you like to have a go?", the barman…
@bam94
Some tough frog karma! A frog telephones a psychic hotline and is told: "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you." "Great!" says the frog. "Will I meet her at a party?" "No," replies the psychic. "Next year, in a biology class."
@bam94
About Hacking order in the IT business... A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical looking parrots on a perch and says: "The parrot to the left costs 500 dollars". "Why does the parrot cost so much?" the customer asks. The owner says, "Well, it knows how to use a computer." The customer asks about the next parrot and is told "That one costs 1,000 dollars because it can do everything the other parrot can do plus it knows how to use…
@bam94
Fully approve of that advice. Might also try it with my wife :)) How do you keep an elephant from charging? Take away his credit card!
@bam94
Being a scientist, I appreciate science-related jokes, but there aren't that many. This is one of those few that made me smile. Two statisticians when duck hunting. Not being very good, they did not see a duck all day. Just as they agreed to leave, a duck flew out in front of them. Both aimed and fired. One shot went two metres to the left of the duck, the other two metres to the right, and the duck escaped. However, they went home very happy, because on average the bird was…
@bam94
This one takes an unexpected turn.. A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eys, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man." The man then replies, "Yeah, well we were married…
@bam94
One dark foggy night, I was walking alone on a narrow country road when out of the fog appeared a small car moving very slowly - and with no sound! I jumped to the side of the road but as it drew level, it stopped! Through the windows I could see no-one - no driver, nothing. I looked closer and then opened the passenger door(I was on that side) and braced myself to climb in. Immediately the car started to move again, just as slowly! I froze, kneeling on the seat clutching…
@bam94
Two farmers are standing by a fence. One of them asks the other: - Do your cows smoke? - No... - No? Then I suppose your barn is on fire.
@bam94
Q. Why is television called a medium? A. It is neither rare nor well-done.
@bam94
A couple are out touring a house that they want to buy with a realtor when they ask the realtor, "The house is very nice, but is this a quiet neighborhood?" The realtor answers, "Sure, there have been six murders, seven robberies, and no one heard a thing."
@bam94
Short one.. extremely profound :) Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like a banana.
@bam94
What did one snake kid say to his mother? "Mum, are we supposed to be poisonous?" "No son, why?" "Because I just bit my lip!"
@bam94
What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty!
@bam94
Couple goes to a psychiatrist. Woman says, "Doc, my husband thinks he's a dog. Can you help him?" Shrink says, "Sure, have him lie down on the couch." Woman says, "Oh no. He's not allowed on the couch."
@bam94
Not usually fan of the man walks into a bar type, but this one is quick, painless and funny stil: A man walks into a bar with a piece of tar mac under his arm. He says to the bar man " a pint for me and one for the road".
@bam94
A man was walking in the country and saw a pig with a wooden leg sitting outside a barn. As he was pondering this, the pig's owner came along. The man asked the farmer how the pig got his wooden leg. The farmer said, "Let me tell you, that is some pig! Our house caught fire last May, and he dragged my kids to safety!" "Is that how he lost his leg?" the man asked. "No," replied the farmer. "But a month ago, I almost drowned and that pig swam through icy water to pull me to…