@ZoyaAnsari 14 November 2022 more from that month

I wish you had hurt me enough, you know? Enough so i'd stop thinking about reconciling with you. Enough that the wound still sings. Enough that it occupies the largest portion of my brain so i would always remember. Because i think it was more of my doing—our end. I pushed you away because i thought you don't love me enough. You don't show enough. You don't tell me enough, and so, i thought i was the only one seeing beautiful things, you know? It pained me that you seem to be somewhere else even when i was right beside you. My loneliness pushed me to let you go because it seemed to be the only thing that's clear between us: that you don't feel the same way—that you are not as happy as me—that i am the only one holding on. You see, you did not do anything. And it sucks that it's holding me back. It sucks because i am filled with what ifs now: what if you needed to be met in a way that you could not even comprehend? What if it was my job to figure that out? What if you needed to be touched else way? What if you are telling something i could not hear? What if you did say something but i didn't listen? This is a whole fuckin' mess. I know i shouldn't blame myself for a mistake i did not do but i wish you'd hurt me enough that hearing your name boils my blood. I wish you'd hurt me enough that i can only focus on the bad things, and not the traces of my footprints that day when i walked away because i did it for me, you know? I had to be there for me because i was alone. And i wish i am not this messed up to think that it was all my fault when you could've done everything you could to keep me.