@Yen 10 April 2022 more from that month

Is fate brought us where we are now? Before I decided to get married I make sure that my siblings can stand on thier own. As an eldest child of my parents I am raised being responsible on my younger siblings and I know to myself that I do my best to be a good elder sister to them. It's only first paragraph but I am now crying. My father raised me to be responsible. I know I'm not a good person in the past. I am liberated and I enjoyed my teenage life but I know my limitations and I know that I need to be a role model for my siblings. I want to get married by 25. That's what I want but fate didn't allow me as I became single with that age also until I met my husband. My husband is the youngest among the siblings and we are really contrary to each other. We are not born on the same generation because his siblings is like my Aunt and Uncle and his parents are like my grandmother. To be honest I need to adjust a lot and I have no choice but to accept my fate because I am already here. Before I get married I told my mother. Mama kapag nag asawa ako hindi ako titira dito at titira sa mga byenan ko na para bang kaming nagbabahay bahayan. But you know what? I swallow all the words that I said to my mother not because this is what I want but because fate brought us here. When I got pregnant my plan is to work again after I gave birth but because of circumstances I resigned because my son don't want formula milk and feed by bottles. God knows I don't want to leave here but I have no choice. I have no choice that time because I am a first time mom and I don't have any idea on how to raised a baby. I am being frank here. I don't want to live on my in-laws house when my son is newborn because I don't have someone who will help me there. My husbands step mother is like my grandmother. Actually she is old that my grandmother. I don't feel living there because of the smoke but the cigarettes came from my brother inlaws and being an introvert I don't think I can make a pakikisama on them because I'm already silent and poker face. Our foundation is also not good enough like my closeness to my other ex boyfriend family. I know I'm not the only one because my sister inlaws the wife of my husband brother also feel the same as I have felt but like what they said hindi naman nila kasalanan na ganon family nila. Why I am talking about this? Earlier when my husband and I eating our lunch he told me that he asked thier supervisor if he can transfer to other branch of the supermarket where he works. The place where my In-laws house located. His siblings wants us to live there but I don't want because we also have family issues that's why I told them I will let my husband live on my in-laws house and we will live here in my parents house so that we can perform the responsibilities on our own family. It really hurts me thinking that we need to sacrifice each other because of family issues but we need to do it. He said if he will be transferred to other branch he will live to my in-laws house and then on his rest day he will stay here. I told him that it's fine because that's the only thing we can do. I didn't know the things will became like this. I thought when you start to have a family you can be happy and focus to your family. Build dream, hope and better future for the kids but it seems it's not happening to us. Earlier I told my father how exhausted I am. I only said that phrase but he already knew what I felt and then he said to me " Ganon talaga anak e . Panganay ka. then I answered him bakit yung asawa ko? Bunso naman yon. Then I laughed. Just a random thought guys. Still exhausted because of things that I don't know when will be end.