@Winona 23 June 2020

Waging the Wars Inside My Head

Everyday is a battle. This world that I walk upon is an ambush alley of predators that feeds on my fear and my anxiety. It devours me raw during the day and then drowns me every night. Parts of my loving soul is dead and what's left is dying but I had to smile it all away. I have been battling overthinking for several years now. None of my family knows about it and my friends barely grasps the idea of why my thoughts tend to drown me after sometime. I couldn't explain how hard it is for me to express the struggle I feel. The way it was all bottled and intoxicates me inside, making me isolate myself, making me wanting to disappear in the human realm. I understand that everbody has a life to deal with and so I refrain in asking my friends for help everytime I need it. Time is precious and I dont think they'd be willing to listen for a 3-hour talk all about my despair and melt downs and I dont want to waste their time. So I went isolating myself. I wake up sometimes and wonder why did I ever woke up and alive. It felt like I had to dress on my skin, be human, be the person the world has known me to be. It's not easy to be happy, to find what can make you happy but it's much more easier to fake it, to fake a smile, because the world is naive enough to believe it. I'd like to tell everyone, if only I had the voice, that sometimes words can hurt so much than what they think but an act of support can do so much for a wounded soul. Some of us went through everyday with wars in their head that slaughters them mentally but are so brave to continue living. To fight again the next day requires a great deal of courage. So if you have friends that you noticed to be distant, sad and seems lost, I hope you show support for things that cannot be expressed and understood, support can make a difference.