@RosheiGanda 30 October 2021

My Battles Inside!

Hello my lovely readcash friends and to all of us, readers and writers in this platform. How are you? 😊 Here's yet another personal article I have. Actually, I posted this before in my old blog in this platform too but I no longer use it anymore. Allow me to repost it again but with some modifications. Thank you. 😊 Please don't be surprised when you read this before. No worries, it's still me. Hehe. ***Wait, let me flex to you my awesome sponsors. Have time to visit their pages and be part of their lives. Here they are:*** So Here It Goes ... I've been thinking for too long of what article I will publish. This writing might sound peculiar to some but, wholeheartedly I'll write it with feelings. Char. It's been more than a month since I entered the world of writing or blogging. At first, I have troubles in my mind. Oh no, what should I write, what if my grammars are not good. What if they will criticize me, mock me, or whatsoever thoughts I have in my mind. I was afraid. Normally, I just express my feelings in my mind or thru my facial expressions and not usually in words. I don't talk that much to someone I'm not closed with. There are limited people that I chose to talk to. What else? I have low self-esteem. But there are times that I'm so high spirited that can go down immediately. Whew, it's really hard. I often withdraw myself from the crowd although I want to socialize more. I'm a homebody person in short. I don't feel bored when I'm alone. I can just switch on the internet then watch dramas. That's the life I live. It's like a daily routine before/ after I do my work since as mentioned, I work as an online teacher. You know what, I can express myself to my students. It's a one on one class anyway. The youngest I taught was three years old and the oldest was more than 60 years old. I don't feel shy in front of my online students. I even encourage them not to be shy, but wow, I don't do it to myself. Most of the things I say when I teach are genuine. The reason why I say lot's of positive things to them was that, I want to follow that as well. What term should I name myself? Lols. There are times that I hate myself and love myself. I love myself when I do good. But hate myself when I can't do things right. I just hate it! Why are you like that Shiela? You're a grown up! Why can't you change? Why?! Okay, enough for these dramas already! I'm feeling emotional right now as I write. I cried countless times at night. Asking why I can't do that, why I always complain about myself? Where can I buy that boosting medicine for my confidence? Can you tell me? I really want to buy maintenance for that. My Stage Fright ... As a child, I grew up to be like someone's shadow. Remembering it, I was too submissive. I followed whatsoever they tell me to do. Even though I'm older than them. Maybe, that was just the sign that I have a low self-esteem. It's when we were in secondary school that I started rejecting their demands to me like saying: 'Hey! Wow! I'm older than you and please, don't treat me that way. Have some respect, pleeeaaassseee. Oh, please.' But still, I can't say no. I feel bad when I do that. What's gotten into me during all those times? Did you grow up like that too? You know what? Sometimes I act dumb in front of people (or the person I'm talking to). I listen to their explanations as if it's my first time. They explain something that I myself knew already. Maybe that's why, they think I don't know it. Deep inside, I knew. These things might not be connected but that's how I think, I developed my stage fright! Not just from outside people but of course, inside my family. Hehe. Not to mention. Just Going On and On ... Everyday, I try to make things right by simply fixing my bed as a start (Hehe, what?). I always pray that I will have a nice day. Doing household chores like washing the dishes, sweeping the floor and the likes. I work at home so that's why. I live with my older sister's house separately. If only there's a strong internet connection in our province, I should have been there, but it's okay. I'm glad, they still let met stay for now. I have plans of moving soon. Dealing With People ... Avoiding people is what I do sometimes or I just stay silent. I'm afraid to face them. If you see me talking to people, I force myself to do it. Encouraging my own self is what's needed. Not allowing to grow old like this. No, never! Low Self-Esteem to Self-Reliance ... I could have started like that but I won't allow 'low self-esteem' to destroy my future. I will fight it! These, I think, should be done: • join seminars • volunteer myself to talk in front of people • study more (So I should know what I'm talking about.) • plan • reflect • and more... Encourage myself to be a real teacher! Not just with an online setting but in a physical classroom setting as well. That's it for now. My apologies if I wrote this way. I'm reading a book guide to writing. Surely, I will try to improve more. Thank you! P.S.: I'm learning about BCH too and it's quite interesting! So that's where it ends. Yeah, I really love to repost all my articles from before so I could compile all of it here. Then when I have time, I will download everything and print them and make a little book out of it. That's my future project for myself. A mini book. Hehe. Thank you for reading my article. God bless us all! 😊