@Rioelder 31 May 2020

Learning to let go

Together we wrote our stories. Together we sang our songs. But now it's all gone. Stashed away like photographs inside my mind in a place I have labeled "memories." And sometimes, when I flip through those pages, thinking tenderly of the past, remembering who we used to be- sitting in class having long conversations, exchanging lyrics and words, or just laughing 'til we couldn't breathe- it fills me with a bitter-sweet ache, and I just want to be little again. Sometimes, random memories- a reminiscent word said here, a familiar melody heard there, a burst of giggles and laughter- catch me off-guard and nostalgia floods my senses. The desire to relive them, to create once again the everlasting from fleeting moments, to feel the love that remains. It grips me, taking hold of my entire being. My heart is throbbing again with that sweet ache, longing for what once was. And that's when I realize, it is but the wistful desire of a child that never grew up and learned just how to be. So I had to settle for passing through the moments like walking through doors, only allowing my heart to flutter,  to flicker again with the bliss  I had once experienced. It is a reminder of a happiness I once owned, of the love that remains, of the things I no longer have... and knowing that it will never come again is what makes it so sweet. A strange feeling fills my chest as I leave this place. As if I am not only going to miss  the people I love, but also the person I was at that time and place, because I will never be that way again. And I cling to it, to that memory, to that person I want to remain, afraid to let it fade to let it become a ghost, a shadow. Everything that I have loved has become everything I lost. Wasn't it beautiful when we believed in everything?