@QuertTheExplorer 10 September 2020

Serious Stuff

**Do you feel it?** this is gonna be a serious entry cause I thought I learned something important bout myself might be true might be academically not but eh it helps me let's talk about validation this seems to be a foundation of confidence when you say your own thoughts in exchange for an expectation and that expectation was not met? what would happen to you that feeling of having no control, and the overbearing thought of "they must hate" me fogging up your mind and this will leave you traumatized and this will create a wiring in your brain and if you have not been aware at this train of thought then will this be become a loop? even if it is, it's not too late to fix that right? we just need to trigger it to create another wiring in your brain fascinating? imagine if you have been living in a life where they only validate you when it's always about them like you are a caregiver of their own needs, but no reciprocality was given back i mean yea ye shall not be kind in expect from something but what if it's your parents, your foundation? is it selfish to ask for something like emotional guidance? I think this is where a reactor is born we failed to recognize our own train of thoughts cause we're too much preoccupied in what the other people see us as and what shall we do to be that person because it hurts when they're disappointed,right? I have been at lost for a long time cause i was dumbfounded on how quickly they react at things and how they could have improptu speeches when talking to people I usually have no thoughts or would stutter alot when I'm talking about myself or my own opinion like if I have never seek validation from my opinion, I'm too scared to say it That's why this diary helps me realize alot of things yeyeye I have wondered how they could have a stream of consciousness which mine only comes once in a while this might explain my foggy memory cause from my experience I could only remember things if I have this stream of consciousness that's why now I would think about things no matter how unneccessary they are like i'm writing at my laptop at this time and i'm sitting in a chair with me feeling like this and like that especially feelings, that helps alot also we have this ideology where we strive to be happy but in the process of disregarding sadness like this "no its just a thought,i'm happy" no you're not you're having a chemical inbalance seek help i've had this thought when I was in 6th grade I read my old diaries and I was sad but choose to be "happy" whatever that means I don't think that helped me as much as I've helped myself now I think I only got emotionally worse cause the time I got self-aware I had already created a void I was missing alot of stuffs emotionally yayaya so yea if you're sad then you're sad you're the only one who knows what you feel no need to seek validation from it I hope this makes sense but when it made sense to me I now have this overflowing amount of unneccessary confidence I can talk to people better now well by that I mean, I can say what's on my thoughts now rather than saying what I thought they are gonna say I'm just myself rather than "acting" and also now I have a stream of consciousness now, I'm keeping track of a lot of things but this a lot of things makes me efficient in life and myself so now I have known this. **Let's see how this will go**