@Nyctofiles 6 July 2021 edited

Power of Music: When the Songs Asked Questions

I'm lying on the bed while staring at the blank ceiling that faded into darkness. It's past midnight and I can't help myself to sleep. The darkness and deafening silence ruled the surrounding –that's what I like and need. Since I can't put myself into a deep slumber, I decided to leave the bed. Then, I headed to my study table in the living room and switched on the lamp. I have multiple pens in my pen holder but none of those are working so I grabbed a crappy pencil instead and my notebook to transfer my story in my mind into my notebook. What a brainless I am. I have a pile of books I bought few days ago in the sale at National Book Store and I forgot to buy some ballpens which I really need. Anyway, as long as I can write it's okay. I just really need to write at the moment to calm my mind and express, besides, sleepiness doesn't want to visit me. To sustain myself with energy, I prepared a cup of coffee that I could drink while writing. I opened my phone and went directly to a music streaming app and played my favorite playlist. I made sure that the volume is not loud enough wake everyone in the house or disturb any wandering souls around. I still haven't replaced the earphones I broke a month ago so I listen to music through this way. While I am scribbling my thoughts into the paper I am also paying attention to the songs I'm listening to. ***"What's my problem? "*** I sang along to the first line of the song **Levitate** of my favorite band **Twenty One Pilots**. It's a habit of mine to ask myself the question that I can find in any songs I listen to even sometimes the lines become kind of out of context. ***"I don't really know,"*** I answered in my mind. I have many worries but I don't know really know what my problem is. It feels there's something I need to fix or something I should seek but I don't know what it is. It's bothering me. ***"Are you searching for purpose? "*** I questioned myself when the song **Kitchen Sink** played. . It's a line from another song of **Twenty One Pilots.** ***"I don't really know, "***my answer in my mind. I don't know what I am doing in my life. Everything I do seems meaningless and pointless. Then, my top favorite song from **The Script**, **Nothing** played. I asked myself from it's first two lines, ***"Am I better off dead? Am I better off a quitter? "*** ***"I don't really know,"*** my same answer. I ignored the first question because I don't want to die yet. I am not good at anything even in what I'm doing right now–writing. I'm just a mediocre so sometimes think I should quit at what I'm doing. Another **Twenty One Pilots** song played. It's **We Don't Believe What's on TV** and I can't help myself to avoid thinking about this line, ***"What if my dream does not happen? Would I just changed what I've told my friends? "*** ***"I don't really know, "*** I answered in my mind again. I don't even know what would I react. May be yes, even in simpler ones like admission to my dream university. Probably, I would just tell them that I have a change of heart. ***"Can you save my heavydirtysoul? "*** this repetitive line from **Heavydirtysoul** by **Twenty One Pilots** was stuck on my mind when this song played. ***"I don't really know,"*** I just answered even though I think He can. But what if I'm agnostic theist who still doubt His existence. I'm a sinner. My top favorite song from my another favorite band played. It's **If I Believe You** by **The 1975**. I asked myself from the lines of the song, ***"And if I believe You/ Will that make it stop? / If I told You I need You/ Is that what You want? "*** I didn't answer the question instead I focus to other questions on the same song. ***"If I'm lost then how can I find myself? / If I'm lost now then how can I find myself again? "*** ***"I don't really know,"*** I answered. But maybe I should rekindle my faith, discover myself and find a passion. Maybe all of that. I don't know. ***"And how can I move on when I'm still in love with you? "*** this line from **The Man Who Can't be Moved** by **The Script** has been stuck in my head for ages. This has been popular in my country in the 2010's. Then I asked myself the question. Again, same answer, **"I don't really know. "** Maybe I've been in love so deeply so it's hard to move on. Then I remember that I've been single since birth. I need to stop imagining things. After **The Man Who Can't Be Moved**, another **The Script** song played. I asked myself the line from **If You Don't Love Yourself**, ***"How can you love if you don't love yourself? "*** ***"I don't really know."*** I think it's hard especially when you hate yourself most of the time. Maybe this is the reason I never fall in love. I already drank my entire cup of coffee and I'm still halfway trough my story. I'm hungry too so I cooked noodles. I'm dancing to **Taylor Swift**'s **Shake it Off** and **22** and banging my head to songs from **My Chemical Romance** and **Linkin Park** while I'm cooking and eating. No one will see what weirdness I'm doing during this time . I came back to my table after eating the noodles and I brought my coffee. The song I cried to once played. **Daddy** by **Coldplay** made me teary-eyed right now. And implying that I'm the one who is asking this line made me sadder, ***"Daddy, do you not care? / Is there nothing do you want to say. "*** ***"I don't really know,"*** my answer again. I don't know what he's thinking or doing but I miss him. I haven't seen him for years because my parents separated. Then **House of Gold** by **Twenty One Pilots** played. I remember my mother because of this line, ***"She asked me, 'Son, when I grow old would you buy me a house of gold? '"*** ***"I don't really know, "*** is what's on my mind. I don't know if I can,but I will try my best to be successful to lift my family out of poverty and buy what ever my mother wants,even it is a house of gold. When **Taylor's** **Back to December** played I asked myself the line from the song, ***"How's life.Tell me how's your family. "*** ***"I don't really know."*** I don't know what to answer. I love and hate my life at the same time. My family is okay but a broken family is not actually okay for me. The next song played is my favorite from **Maroon 5**–**Won't Go Home Without You.** And I asked myself as I sang along to the song,***"Why does this happen to me? / Why every moment have to be so hard? "*** ***"I don't really know, "***I answered in my mind. I want to know the answer for years. Why? **One More Light** by **Linkin Park** played and I asked myself the question taken from the song, **"Who cares if one more light goes out? / In a sky of million stars. "** Same answers as before, **"I don't really know. "** I don't know if people really care if I'm gone. I want to end my struggle at the moment. I've thinking of doing it since I sat here. I reached the cutter blade on the pencil holder. I ran my finger along the blade, it's really sharp. I've experienced being wounded by using it on my project before. I know this blade is a perfect subtitute. **Linkin Park'**s **Heavy** played after. The question in the chorus stuck in my mind. ***"I'm holding on./ Why is everything so heavy? "*** I just said to myself because I can't reach Chester's high note. **"I don't really know,"** my answer for the nth time. I am dying to know about it. I want to make everything lighter. Everything's so heavy to the point I'm giving up to carry everything. I wish this heavy feeling will end. Using the cutter blade, I sharpen my pencil. My handwriting is a little bit vague and thick because of the dull lead of the pencil. This is also made me write slower. I don't have a pencil sharpener so I need to improvise. After sharpening my pencil, I started to write again. I am almost finished. ***"Can we get up and try to feel okay again? "*** I sang and asked the question from the song **OK** by **Wallows**. **"Of course, "** I answered in my mind. This time 'I don't really know ' is not my answer. I am sure of it. I should just have hope. Finally, I'm done writing my story **Power of Music.** I yawned and I headed to my bed to sleep. I closed my eyes while smiling and hoping that I can get up tomorrow feeling okay again. Disclaimer : This is a work of a fiction. Thoughts, feelings and experiences of the character does not reflect the author's life. Some are real questions that I asked myself. But which are which? Who knows? This is my another entry for the prompt Questions of @JonicaBradley . I was inspired to write a fiction again that revolves around question after reading @kli4d 's Is it my fault?:An interview to the kid I adore. Check it out to miss your old self again. https://read.cash/@kli4d/is-it-my-fault-an-interview-to-the-kid-i-adore-91fe8949 Image Source