'Suicidal Survivor'
Have you ever been in a situation where you are so numb in everything like, you just wanna disappear. That you are okay but at the same time you're not. That you have great friends but at the same time you feel lonely. That there is this pain and sadness but you cant even explain why?
So, Hi dear readers. This piece is for someone who feels empty and who is experiencing what they so call SUICIDAL THOUGHTS.
One morning, i just woke up with this heavy feeling in my chest and so i wonder what happens yesterday but yesterdays okay, im doing fine but why do i feel so WASTED, when i go to the bathroom, its just that and i dont feel like taking a bath. I dont want to eat, i dont like anything, when i go outside in my room, i feel like i was being judge by my own family and when i go to our kitchen it feels like that KNIFE looks so shimmering that i guess it is ordering me to stab myself. When my mom ask me to buy something it feels like the big truck from the road thats fast approaching towards me was smiling and wants me to go in the middle of the highway because it want to hit me. That sometimes i just want to go in the river and keep myself drowning or go to the building where i thought of jumping. You know that feeling when the more they are forcing you to stop, the more that my hormones wants to do it, and that feels HAPPINESS.
My thoughts killing me and mYSELF almost did it everytime i think that way. There are times when my parents think to let the psychiatrist check me up, because they say i have change so much, i become so skinny and dont care about my appearance anymore, i dont look forward for the life that i have and i guess they think, im going crazy .
So when i read this ,https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/193026 .
A person who experiences or could experience suicidal thoughts may show the following sign or symptoms.
feeling intolerable emotional pain
- when my bestfriend left me because he already have a girlfriend and his girlfriend doesn't want. It feels like i cant make it without him. He knows better than anyone. That mindset.
being preoccupied with violence, dying, or death
- i always make scenarios in my mind and feels like im part of it, that i will gonna die.
having mood shifts, either happy or sad https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/mood-swings
- i become so bipolar or moody.
talking about revenge, guilt, or shame
-revenge about why on earth it happens to me. I want that the other people will also experience what i been through.
experiencing agitation or a heightened state of anxiety https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/320370
-always, i become too paranoid.
experiencing changes in personality, routine, or sleep patterns https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/325353
- i slept so late, 2 am and wake up in 5am
experiencing depression, panic attacks, or impaired concentration https://www.medicalnewstoday.com/articles/8872.php
isolating themselves
talking about being a burden to others
saying goodbye to others as though it were the last time
experiencing a loss of enjoyment in previously pleasurable activities, such as eating, exercise, social interaction, or sex
expressing severe remorse and self-criticism
talking about suicide or dying
expressing regret about being alive or ever having been born
All of these make me anxious and everytime i think about it, the more it gets so heavy. The more i want to push my self to close my door to everyone. And i really dont know who would i talk to because it seems like the world couldn't understand my feelings.
Who Would care to listen, i tried calling out somebody, i tried reaching out to the person who i trust the most, they call me, that and these, i have a great family but nothing happens. So,I'd rather stay alone, laugh alone, cry alone do whatever i want alone than to seek help with someone who wouldn't understand whats this feeling or what it is in my head. Honestly im fine with them, when there attention is on me but when they gone especially at night I become so lonely that i wanna kill myself.
You know what i did? To stop the stigma.
I seek help, to myself that i'd be able to go through this things and to other people that they would give me extra understanding.
I just learned to open up to anybody i feels comfortable talking to. I become to expressive.
Learn to be with someone who doesn't have toxic personality, because they will build up your confidence And supports you in your progress.
Do exercise, sometimes it feels new but try to give it a shot. 30 minutes everyday would be enough to boost up your energy.
Drink a lot of water, 2 glasses of water after bed or when you wake up in the morning, 2 glasses of water before you eat breakfast, DRINK A LOT OF WATER 8 to more glasses in a day.
The best part of healing is that, i became so close with my faith to our creator. That really change me a lot. God made me realize how important life, that i should look forward in living and had the prevelidge to see the beauty of environment. And be thankful for it. PRAY...PRAY....PRAY that he the Lord will give you guidance and wisdom to do well along the process, enlighten your mind to be real with yourself. THERE IS NO BETTER CURE THAN HIS PRESENCE IN YOUR LIFE, TRUST ME.
Day by day, i enjoyed my life and the energy that they want me to be back, its slowly going back. I AM HAPPY!
And when you feel this kind of situation or wanting to kill ur self , instead of doing nothing about it, TALK TO ME!, CALL ME!, id be much willing to listen and be with you through out the process of healing.
I've been there, i get through it, why wouldn't you, i know your strong and brave, all you need to do is focus.
Hey, i know you got this. I'm here💪.
Drop your suicidal thought and lets talk about it.
I DON'T MISS YOU ANYMORE...
but, im still wearing your favorite T-shirts.
I still cooked your favorite dish.
I still fancy your smile coz you look happier with her.
I still listen to your favorite songs.
I still looked at your pictures.
I still stalked your timeline.
I still wish you to be happy.
I still dream about you.
I still look the future with you.
and it makes me think that because of you and what you did, it made me too afraid to fall in love again.
I dont miss you anymore.
I know you'd say goodbye but thank you for the happiest 2 years of my life.
Dont worry, i'll be okay and one day, i will learn to live without you and MOVE ON.
Do you call it BREAK UPS if:
He
Stops communicating?
Stops caring?
Stops arguing?
Stops loving?
Stops fighting?
Stops saying good morning to good night?
Stops saying how they care and cherished you?
Stops saying corny jokes just to ease the pain you feelin'
Stops talking to you
Stops cooking for you?
Stops making faces
Stops farting infront of you?
Stops doing what makes you happy?
Dont make me wrong, we never been in a relationship, but why do i feel so mesirable after he left, why does his scent keeps on hunting me? Why does everything makes sense if he do it, like when he cooks for me, it feels special, when he do the laundry, it makes me think ohh so lucky to have him, when he draws me, when he kisses on my forehead and when he becomes so childish just to get permission.
What do you think are we?
Am i the only one expecting something will happen to the both us.
When i think this is it.
Our relationship may not be labeled as a LOVERS but we almost had it all.
So, what do you call it? Its a lot confusing when in the first place we dont know what label are we.
At masakit pala pagnawala even if it is just a NON LABEL RELATIONSHIP.
Why do we settle? Even when we knew what we deserve. Why do we keep on forgiving someone? Even when we knew were taken for granted. Why do we question our value to someone? Even when we knew that we are worth the fight. Why do we settle for bare minimum? Even when we knew they cant be change.
Why?
Because for me.
Love is given not just for free, you guys need to work on it, what you deserve will be serve if your communication to each is strong enough to hear the both side of stories.
Love is not all about happiness but how to love that special someone in a middle of all the arguments you had.
Love is patient.
You cannot call it love if you just wish to have someone to get out perfect, 100% attitude and personality. You call it Love when you two is working hard to work on that relationship.
So why do we settle because we knew that in the end, it would be worth it.
TOTGA indeed!
Not your typical love story, but its my pleasure for you to read this out.
Destined to meet, but not destined to be together.
Do you believe in love at first sight? or the loves that comeback?
.....
" Ma'am whats the meaning of this? Who is Jose Rizal? Why is he so important of the Philippine History? If Jose Rizal wasn't born or any other heroes as they say, what do you think will happen, or are we still exist without them because as you mentioned earlier he is an important person? "
He is MT, 12 Grade-HUMMS, School achiever, Basketball player, campus idol, one of the badass of the school , tall dark and handsome. 19 yrs old.
"Mr. MT didn't you read the article that i gave yesterday? Did you not study about Rizal? If that is the case, get 1 whole sheet of paper and answer your question in your own idea or opinion."
KRINGGGGGG!!!
That bell saved him.
Year 2018, I was once a Practice Teacher somewhere in Southern Leyte and was assigned to managed grade 7,8 and 12. I was 20 yrs old in that time.
Lunch time, while eating at the canteen, someone's shouting
"Ma'am maldita?, ma'am isog? And so i turned, its MT again so i just stared at him until he keep quiet, dont mind him and finished my food then leave.
Another day, with that class. I was so amazed by MT's assignment and grades. I was curious but he really is good in terms of academics not just that he has a sense of humor and helpful to his fellow classmates.
MT was also under to my colleagues in his other subject thats why he always keep on going to our boarding house, and we became close, its not really that bad to become friends because we almost have the same age. He helped me bring my things to schools, he will wait for me during lunch to have it together, he offers things that he think could help me in my class.
They dont give an issue me, being with him because he is like that in all of the teachers in School.
Days and Months pass we became friends, he tells me personal problem. He shares about how he loves his girlfriend Karen, how she means to him and everything he will do just for her. They were together since 10th Grade and Karens 9th grade.
Karen is one of the school representative, she is a cheerleader, math wizard , she has brain and beauty no wonder MT deserve her and she deserves MT.
They were such a lovely couple. They were meant to be to together.
Until i got so fucos on my teaching career because i really want to prove that i deserve high grade from my Professors. So i distance myself to them.
6months already fast and we need to be assigned to the other school. I didnt have the chance to talk to him that on the other day is the day i will leave in the school because he also busy for research, hes a graduating student.
Day by day, the memories of that amazing student still fresh to my mind.
Months, Years had pass.
Year 2019, I finally Graduated, i know that is that the first step of everything outside world. I become the woman full of goals and ambitions, After graduation, i find a job eagerly to support my siblings. I went to Cebu City to work but only 6months because my family keeps on calling to make me come home, so i did come home, then also fine another job thats near in the place.
Year 2020. I didnt expect that he would chatted me. And for the first time I felt excitement whenever he talked, he laughed whatever he does makes me anxious, i dont know why.
He still pursuing his dream course.
And our conversation seems to have never ending.
He explained that he and Karen did break up because Karen find someone who is much better that MT. It was 3 years. They just waist it and that he wants comfort.
I was there!
Year after. MT confess that he has feelings for me, even before when i was a Practice Teacher, that he keeps it because he has a girlfriend. And i said let that wound heal first before opening to someone new.
But deep down inside me, is jumping of happiness. Because he doesn't hard to be loved, he is a true gentleman, he doesn't say bad words even when he is in anger.
He never fails to show me how much he loves me, that he would do everything for me, that he would give-up everything just to be with me. That He appreciates me, that he cares and cherish me.
That is why i decided that when this lockdown is over and we get to see each other , i would gladly say yes to him. If ever, he would be my first boyfriend.
But.
But..
But everything change, he doesn't want to talked to me anymore, he is so cooled. He is always busy, he learns to keep secret with me, he got drunk with his barkadas without telling me and thats okay with me because i thought he just wants space, he talks and flirt with someone else and that he is okay without me.
Until one day!
His text broke me.
" Hi Ma'am Maldita, im so sorry, remember Karen my Ex-girlfriend she came back? And guess what she wants me back. I loved her. Please help me."
...
Why now?
What we had? What was that?
I thought it was me, who you dream to be with?
whats wrong with me?
Why is it so hard for me?
And after months of silence, i realized we make better strangers than we did anything else.
This pain i felt inside me, may never be gone because i was real, my love is real, i dont know if i have the right to feel this but it hurts. I really love him to the point that i prayed him to God but i know God has a plan and i guess its his way of saying , someone out there is deserving for your love. I trust you Lord.
After all, I dont regret knowing you but sometime i wish i had walked away at first HI and left things at last HELLO. I am not mad because you didn't want me, im mad because you acted like you did and left me nothing.
Trying my best to put back myself together after you left. Everyday is a struggle. It is not what i expected to happen even when we started this NON-LABEL RELATIONSHIP.
Life
Hi everyone! This is my first piece here in read cash, i just want to thank all of you for being such an inspiration to me in motivating and encouraging to write something. I hope you'll like it guys.
Since its my first entry i would like to introduce myself .
I am just an ordinary person living in a ordinary life or shall i say beyond ordinary. We are not living in a mansion or own luxurious things, we are normally so called common people.
Fear is temporary but regret is forever. Life must have been brought me up like this. Myself changing as the years passing by, i become a woman with goals, tell me im ambitious but yes i dream big my imagination is wide, its free however you need to work hard for it to come true, because i believe success in life comes when you simply refuse to give up.
When my parents decide to transfer place we have nothing than ourselves. Back to zero but even in poverty my parents still do their best to send us in school.
We grew up with goals in mind that we should finished studies whatever happens, and so at young age i became a working student since highschool. I didnt mind if what i do? ,How i can manage going to school and working at the same time. The mindset makes me mature.
I think if you face life difficulty in a positive way, i must say surely you will succeed.
Im still not in halfway to the goals i planted in my mind but i will keep on kicking and puddling and keep on praying that God will give me more time to discover myself and guidance, strength to keep going even lots of people will try to bring us down. I know if its Gods plan then it would happen to me.
Life is a gift that we need to take good care, how lucky if you were born and have a privilege to see the beauty of life and the creation of the Lord.
Hi everyone! This is my first piece here in read cash, i just want to thank all of you for being such an inspiration to me in motivating and encouraging to write something. I hope you'll like it guys.
Since its my first entry i would like to introduce myself .
I am just an ordinary person living in a ordinary life or shall i say beyond ordinary. We are not living in a mansion or own luxurious things, we are normally so called common people.
Fear is temporary but regret is forever. Life must have been brought me up like this. Myself changing as the years passing by, i become a woman with goals, tell me im ambitious but yes i dream big my imagination is wide, its free however you need to work hard for it to come true, because i believe success in life comes when you simply refuse to give up.
When my parents decide to transfer place we have nothing than ourselves. Back to zero but even in poverty my parents still do their best to send us in school.
We grew up with goals in mind that we should finished studies whatever happens, and so at young age i became a working student since highschool. I didnt mind if what i do? ,How i can manage going to school and working at the same time. The mindset makes me mature.
I think if you face life difficulty in a positive way, i must say surely you will succeed.
Im still not in halfway to the goals i planted in my mind but i will keep on kicking and puddling and keep on praying that God will give me more time to discover myself and guidance, strength to keep going even lots of people will try to bring us down. I know if its Gods plan then it would happen to me.
Life is a gift that we need to take good care, how lucky if you were born and have a privilege to see the beauty of life and the creation of the Lord.
