A Simp in a man's world.
Marriage is a game of compromise, you compromise at almost everything that makes you who you are, but how much more can you compromise, without actually having your true identity totally eroded?
The early stages of marriage, those stages when you haven't grown weary of your partner can be a total bliss sometimes, but it makes one forget that marriage actually takes practical work to make it work. Like practical, conscious, active work.
The new feminist movement, the new consciousness of the female gender that they should have equal rights in everything about a man/woman relationship has further put a spoke in the wheels of marriage. Don't get it confused, this is not an article to promote misogyny or one for advocating for a man's world, for total domination of the man in all sphere of things. This article is merely pointing out what is happening in many marriages because of the feminist movement.
**Imagine a marriage between a woman who is pro-feminism and a man who doesn't give two clicks what feminism means or what the opposite of it entails. But this man, although tradition in many sense, loves his wife enough to compromise, to clean the house, wash the dishes, birth their daughter from time to time and all those other house chores that were traditionally 'a woman's responsibility'.**
**This woman, conscious of the ever loud feminist movement, enjoys these pecks from the loving and understanding husband. In fact, she enjoys it a little bit too much that she starts thinking that. oh, I think it should be like this, it should always be this way, after all, there are no rules that say I as the woman should do all those things.**
Now, as a man, where do you draw the line? How much more can you compromise? Because the woman obviously has taken liberties and something needs to be done.
Unfortunately, the above narrative is the reality of most marriages, which I think is part of the reason divorce, has been on the rise recently.
If you find yourself as a man, doing the dishes, cleaning the house and cooking for the family sometimes, not out of romance or maybe your partner being ill, but out of duty, because probably you do not want to burden your wife, or you do not find it difficult doing those things, how much more are you willing to compromise for the cause – peace in the marriage?
Be aware that this woman has tasted power already, she is not going to relinquish them easily, and she isn’t going to just start doing those things without a fight. Do you let peace reign and continue ‘simping’ out, or do you make a firm statement and show her who is boss?
I think no matter how alluring the idea of a romantic guy might sound, the female folk are hardwired to respect firm and authoritative male figures. From experience, no respect ever comes out of ‘simping’ out to a woman because you think it would make you endeared to her or because you think you can win yourself some kind of emotional edge or you think she would love you more because of it. No, I think this is flawed thinking of men who watch too many romantic movies, and if you are doing it, you are running the risk of losing your respect, your authority and your voice in your home. There is a reason the good guys never win because the good guys are seen as soft, thus they can be used and dumped with no fuss at all.
Respect is needed for every relationship to thrive, marriage is no different. As a man, you need to understand your place in the family; you need to play the leading role, literally. If you relinquish your nature’s given powers as the head of the family, as the commander in chief, then you also relinquish your respect without knowing it.
Finding yourself in this sweet spot means your marriage would either spiral out control when you fight to gain your respect back and everything would be lost for good, or out of some special psychological manoeuvring skills, you grasp your powers back and bring back the respect that you once had.
Plotting some kind of coup to grasp power back and swing the tide of respect back to you becomes your only option at this point, and the success of this coup hinges on one thing – before losing your authority, were there some semblance of love and affection left in the relationship/marriage? If there were, then your success right is significant, but if there weren’t, that means it is already too late and you are fighting an already lost battle.
Whatever the case might be, plotting this coup is a risk worth taking, unless you have come to the realisation that there is nothing more for you in the relationship, nothing worth fighting for anymore. Because if you by some miracle you gain this respect back, without the existence of any trace of love and affection, then it is just a matter of time before it the machine finally comes to a grinding halt.
When going about recovering your power and authority, you are going to run into obstacles and bumps on the way in the form of emotional blackmail from the woman. In fact, it is going to be emotional warfare and you need to brace up and stay true to your mission. Do not get physical with her, when she lashes out, remain calm and don’t go into a shouting competition with her, you would be playing a losing game.
Recovering your power and authority simply means you stop ‘simping’, do what you ought to do as a man in the house and not what to you are expected to do as a ‘romantic’. You don’t need for it to be spelt out to you one after the other, but if you do, then you truly deserve the base level you have found yourself in because there is no salvation in sight for you my friend.
If you managed to save your marriage, then it had some potential to start with, but if you couldn’t, then it was a waste of resources and good riddance.
***Take-Away From My Rant***
- Swallow some red pill.
From East To The North: The Clarion Call
***Where The Map Leads***
The day finally came, the day I had silently dreaded, the day I was to go collect my NYSC call up letter. I dreaded the day because I knew I had done nothing to influence my posting, I would have, but I didn’t because I didn’t have the resources to. I left my fate to fate, so I didn’t expect miracles, I didn’t expect better than I got, but I was scared nonetheless. Why was I scared and what the hell might I be talking about? I am talking about NYSC - my experience as a southerner posted to the north and this is how it started.
My dread was made real as I stared at my call-up later, my heart sank into my stomach and I felt a ting of sweat on my forehead. I had been posted to Katsina State, the North-Western part of Nigeria.
I know you might think that my reaction was over the top and unwarranted, but it wasn’t, even though it was before the Boko Haram madness, it was still "THE NORTH", hence my apprehension.
I saw happiness and relief in the eyes of some of my course mates you got more favourable posting than I did, those who got not so favourable were at least paired with other prospective corps members to go to the same states, but what did I get? I got Katsina State, and I was a lone ranger. I was the only one in my set in the department that was posted to Katsina. I hadn’t gone beyond Edo State heading anywhere northward before in my life, now I have been mandated by my country to take that trip, to make that journey to the land unknown - The clarion call they call it.
First, I have to know how to negotiate this journey to the North from the South, how long it is going to take me to get to my destination, given that I am heading to a Sharia state, what *Dos* and *Donts* do I need to know? These were my dilemma, my predicament and I had to deal with them...alone.
I asked some close friends and family who I was sure, knew about the North and how to get there for a first-timer. From the suggestions I got, going by flight would have been the best if I had the resources, but since I didn’t, there was only the choice of road left.
***The 12 Hour Journey***
On the 24th of October 2010, equipped with the travel itinerary and the blessings of both family and friends, I took my first ever trip to the North of Nigeria.
I was at the bus terminal by 5; 30 am and by 6 am, we had boarded and had left, Abuja bound. The plan was to get to Abuja, spend the night at my cousin's place, and then continue on my way first thing in the morning.
I arrived Abuja and at my cousin's place by 6 pm, which means I had spent a total of 12hrs on-road travel. I didn’t mind at all, it was my first time travelling such distance as an adult, so I wasn’t bored at all; so many things to keep the mind entertained and occupied so many new sights to see.
I had my bath, eased in a bit and could now feel the stress of the long-distance travel on my body. I still a have a long day ahead tomorrow, but it didn’t stop me from goofing about a bit with my cousin, because we were very close and we hadn’t seen in a bit.
Ultimately, nature's clock reminded me what time it is and bid my cousin good night and stretched out on the bed. Damn, I was tired!
In no time, dawn was here and I had been woken up by the cries of the first prayer session from a nearby mosque - it was 5 am. I hadn’t gotten to my destination yet, but it was obvious now that I was in a foreign land.
I thought why I was there at that moment and where I was actually headed and my heart sunk to my stomach again, I am closer to my destination now, I was merely 6 hours away now.
I was wide awake now, my mind fixated on my journey, my arrival in KT, and what it might look like. Well, I gotta start before I could arrive, so I hit the shower, ate and was ready to continue my expedition.
My cousin accompanied me to a local bus terminal where I would eventually board the bus heading to KT, and my new reality was soon to set in.
I paid and boarded, but before we left, it struck me that every single occupant in the 14 sitter bus was fully clothed in a thawb and spoke Hausa, except me. I was a foreigner and I stood out like a sore thumb and this bothered me a bit. Well, they aren’t going to eat me, I thought to myself. LOL.
We had boarded now and had left the local bus terminal, it was the last right to my destination and whatever I assumed or expected to see was just a short trip away now, this is it, KT here I come. I was still in my head, trying to get some thoughts out there when the foulest odour hit my nose and disrupted my thoughts. These guys don't take personal hygiene as seriously as they should.
Fourteen men enclosed in a bus, on a dry, sunny, harmattan morning, yeah, everybody was bound to show what they smelled like, and they all smelled the same.
Good enough thing though, the driver was stepping on the gas like I would have, if I was driving, because, damn I was suffocating. I wasn't enjoying the ride at all, and the dude right behind me kept coughing like a mad dog and the putrid filthy air from his mouth kept hitting the back of my neck. What the hell is this? No etiquettes, no sense of social distancing, no civility, no manners.
At first, I thought the first one was an involuntary burst of cough you know, it happens like that sometimes but it appears I gave the man too much credit.
I tried to restrain myself from reacting exactly the way the situation needed (total outburst and maybe a smack or two) but, being in a foreign (Muslim) land and being a foreigner, caution was needed. It'd be risky to lose my head - figuratively and literally.
He paused for a while and I was thinking of what to do if he doesn't observe some manners next time, but the next bouts of coughs on my back stopped my thought in its tracks. Instinctively, I turned around and gave him the longest, coldest and deadest stare my face could muster. I looked at him long and hard, as if to say - Are you brain-dead? And alas...that was the last I was served airy putrid to the back of my head, till we got to our destination.
We got into KT town because I could see signposts indicating we had gotten into our destination town. The bus made its way into a large gated compound and under a big mango tree, finally came to a stop - We are here.
Although very small for a major bus terminal, this terminal was very busy, bursting of activities and full of life. I alighted, looked around, trying to draw it all in. The air was warm and humid, the atmosphere felt congested, I needed to get some real fresh air into my lungs, I needed to head out, find my way to the NYSC Camp, I needed the journey to come to its end, and that means getting to the Orientation camp, but first I need to ask someone how to get there.
I walked up to one of the men there in the terminal, said hello and asked how I could find my way to where I was going. He gaped at me like I was talking nonsense, then he motioned at me in a way that implied that he didn't wanna talk. I left him and walked to another man, asked him the same thing and he shook his head and responded to me in Hausa...he muttered, "ba turenchi" which means NO ENGLISH. Instantly, it dawned on me that the first man wasn't being rude, he just didn't know how to communicate or respond to me in English.
I needed to catch my breath, I am in a bus terminal in a faraway state (felt like a different country altogether) and nobody could coherently talk to me in English, much less directing me on how I could get to my final destination. I was confused now but I just needed to relax a bit, brainstorm and see what way I could come up with. I sighted a photocopying shop and they sold coke and snacks too, my mouth watered and I realized that I was very thirsty and hungry because the last thing I could have thought about in that bus was food. Yuck!
I walked into the shop, saw a young casually dressed girl and just nodded at her while looking at the bench in her shop, she smiled at me and I felt a bit welcome, so I sat down. Mulling over the possibility that she too might not understand English and how screwed I would be.
I drew closer to her and whispered: "do you understand English?" She smiled and said yes. I felt so relieved, I almost gave her a high-five. Thank goodness!
To be continued...
Bad Cop, Worse Cops.
October 2020 was an eventful month in the modern history of Nigeria. An unprecedented event took place, it shook the country to its core, after which there was a deafening silence, confusion in tranquillity – The End SARS protest.
What started off looking like the usual social media rants, took physical form and manifested into a full-blown protest, spearheaded by the youthful population of the country who have had enough of the unending harassment, oppression and extrajudicial killings of the youth by the men of The Nigerian Police Force, especially by a certain rogue unit of the force known as SARS (Special Anti-Robbery Squad).
The Nigerian police in their obnoxious and unprofessional modus operandi, profile any well-looking young man as an internet fraudster and thereby, level ridiculous charges and accusations on them, blackmail them into signing trumped-up charges and then extort them.
They carry out periodic raids in homes and neighbourhoods s with a high population of youth, arrest them, seize their cars and gadgets and then parade them as criminals without any cult convictions.
This seems like a booming business enterprise in which many high ranking officers are complicit. The police can pick u up in the streets and on the road in the unmarked vehicles, usually private vehicles with no number plates, force you to pay a certain amount, else they would tag you an armed robber, cultists, a kidnapper or whatever charge they feel would carry enough weight to put you behind bars unquestioned and if you don’t pay up, it might be the end of you. Literally.
Now, how can a police force who claims they were waging a war against internet criminals achieve any kind of success in such endeavour by mounting stop and search roadblocks on some of the country’s major roads and subways? You stop young bloods on foot, in their cars, on bikes (anywhere) then you frisk them (unwarrantedly) and then you proceed to ask for their phones, you force them to unlock their phones and then you abuse their privacy and infringe on their rights by scrolling through their phones, call records, media gallery, text inbox. Madness! Absolute madness. You do all these without any probable cause – an unlawful policing of lawful citizens.
People were paying, for police trumped-up charges – “Hey, you are under arrest, where did you get those iPhones from? You are a criminal, get in this vehicle...how much do you have in your account?” This is usually how it plays out and if you do not comply, you are then taken to the station and the allegation would be officially put on paper and it becomes your word against 6 to 8 police officers. You either pay with money or pay with your life.
These have gone on for years, but it became a full-blown epidemic post-2015. The Nigerian youths became an endangered species...in Nigeria. If you are well-fed, can afford an iPhone, a laptop and a car, you automatically become a prey for the Nigerian Police.
***Enough is Enough***
On the 3rd of October, this rogue police squad (SARS) shot and killed an unarmed young man in Sapele and drove away in his car. Outrageous is it? Well, it had gotten to that stage, the impunity is off the charts. This incident caused a nationwide frenzy on social media, particularly Twitter. The youthful population was outraged and a protest was muted. Some notable Nigerian celebrities like Falz and Runtown threatened that they were going to lead a protest in the streets of Lagos, enough was indeed enough.
A date was scheduled and the wait began, the wait to march to the streets was now in the pipeline while the outrage on social media was fuelling the anger in the belly of the youths and disgruntled Nigerians. The demand was simple, disband the rogue Police Unit, arrest and charge erring officers who had committed these crimes, then reform the police.
The protest came and swept the country like a harsh winter breeze – Lagos, Kano, Ogun, Oyo, Ekiti, Calabar, Port-Harcourt and the major cities in the country. The government thought it was going to go away by just ignoring it, the youths had made their demands but the government were defiant.
What could be so difficult in a government looking into and possibly reforming their police force? What’s so difficult about that? Only one answer stood out. A reformed and working police force means the ruling elite would no longer get the exclusive protection of corrupt police, thus would steal less and forced to work more. Can they live with that? No.
The Nigerian ruling elite likes the police just the way it is, it is serving a deliberate purpose and they weren’t about to mess it up by reforming it. So, instead of giving in to the demands of the protesters, a plan was devised. The plan was to infiltrate the peaceful protests, draw out some kind of violence and unlawfulness, then send in the state law enforcement apparatus to clamp everybody down, with every means necessary.
They planned it and they carried it out ruthlessly, and boy did it work. Soon, the protesters were on the back foot, being tagged criminals and menace (for daring to make demands of the government) hunted down and arrested. LOL. The never-ending cycle of a corrupt extension of a corrupt government – Level unfound charges against you, use the press to smear your name, and then use the law enforcement apparatus to hunt you down.
The protest was turned on its head; the government had achieved their objective, protesters were killed, passports were seized, bank accounts were frozen and nobody ever talks about the reason for the protests, only the outcome the government worked towards achieving.
*No police or government official was or has been arrested for their parts in the deaths of unarmed civilians before, during and after the protests, till this day.*
The Criminal Enterprise
***Asking For A Better Country***
On 20/10/2020, in a bid to scuffle the peaceful protest going on, the Nigerian government committed genocide on her citizens by unleashing the Army on unarmed peaceful protesters at Lekki Toll gate, Lagos State.
There had been some signals days prior, which had pointed to something like this happening but it was never taken seriously because nobody in their right mind would believe that government would make good on what had looked like usual military Bragado.
On the 17th of October 2020, the Nigerian Army through it's Verified Twitter page, made an impromptu announcement of a certain "operation crocodile smile" which they said is just a military exercise scheduled to be carried out across the 36 states of the country, starting from the 20/10/2020 to 31/12/2020. They claim it would be an all-encompassing military exercise and would also include a "cyber warfare", first of its kind by the military anywhere in Africa. Cyberwarfare is meant to tackle "negative social media propaganda" across the country. Such an odd job description for the military.
If the military coming out to say it is gonna commence an impromptu exercise, which involves cracking down on "negative social media propaganda" isn't spooky and an indication of some sinister plans by the government to frame and kill its citizens, wait till you read the next paragraph.
On the 19/10/2020, news broke that there have been two different incidents of jailbreak in two different prison facilities in Edo State. The White House and the OKO prison and the peaceful protesters were accused of being responsible for breaking the inmates out. Are you smelling anything yet?
How could protesters, who had no access to the prison entrance, supposedly break prisoners out from the outside? These are medium-security prisons which usually have heavily armed prison guards manning them, The walls of these prisons make them almost impregnable from the outside. So how come the national tabloids were quick to blame the protesters for the jailbreaks? Smelling something yet?
Well, it was chaos, understandably so... there was confusion everywhere and the peaceful protesters were quick to deny any knowledge and involvement in the jailbreak. Of course, the government knew the protesters didn't break anyone out, it was the government's doing, they were perfecting a plan - intentionally cause chaos, then send in the military-. Remember this jailbreak craziness is happening on the 19th, and the military is commencing their crocodile smile on the 20th.
In response to the jailbreak and the apparent civil unrest in the state, at about 11:44 am, the governor of Edo State, Mr Godwin Obaseki declared a 24-hour curfew with effect from 4 pm same day, barely 4 hours notice. That's the protest in Edo State systematically shut down by the government.
By dusk of the eve of October 20th, news filtered through Twitter that a certain thug-for-hire had been contacted by the government to attack the protesters in Abuja with thugs. In the heat of everything going on, this sounded like nothing but a rumour to cause unease and fear within the heart of the protesters.
Well, as early as 5 am, 20/10/2020, reports filtered within twitter that some thugs carrying weapons had been spotted in their numbers within strategic protesting locations in Abuja. They arrived early enough, settled in, with the order to attack the protesters. It didn't take up 2hrs before videos and pictures of thugs shooting at and attacking peaceful protesters. Aided and guided by what was confirmed as a government-owned Black Prado SUV, with number plates conveniently wrapped with black leather, and the driver fully kitted in black suit looking just like personnel of the DSS, these thugs unleashed mayhem on the protesters and the city of Abuja. As at 10 am, 3 people had been confirmed dead and scores of cars set on fire. Hmmm...
After carrying out what looked like supervision of proceedings by continuously turning in a roundabout on the video clip circulating on Twitter, the driver of the black Prado SUV was seen stopping for and beckoning on the weapon-wielding thugs who looked to have lost their way from the large maiming groups to jump right in and he'd drive them to safety.
The protest in Abuja had been fully hijacked by the government and it had turned bloody, anarchy looming. This is the government systematically sabotaging and shutting down a peaceful protest in Abuja.
At exactly 12 noon,20/10/2020, the governor of Lagos State, Jide Sanwolu via his verified Twitter handle, declared a 24-hour curfew in the state, with effect from 4 pm. Impromptu, but coincidental? No. Planned and strategic? Yes
So the people of Lagos, just like in Edo State have just 4 hours to get back to their house and stay in indefinitely. Well, it got even more interesting from there onwards. At about 2 pm, what looked like repair and maintenance team were seen at the Lekki Tollgate, disconnecting and removing all the CCTV cameras. When confronted by the protesters, they said they were just doing a job ordered by the Lagos State Government. Remember the Lekki Tollgate it the main protest ground in Lagos. Are you putting it together yet? No? Well, let's proceed...
Even with the impromptu curfew announced by the Lagos State Governor, the protesters were defiant but even more peaceful this time as they decided to all just sit down on the protest ground and sing the national anthem and periodically chanting #endsars.
At about 8 pm, all the lights at the Lekki Tollgate were switched off, and within a few moments later, soldiers moved in and started shooting. sporadically. At first, in the air then later directly at peaceful protesters when they just wouldn't stop chanting #endsars.
The Nigerian Army opened fire directly at unarmed civilians exercising their constitutional rights to protest in a country that supposedly runs a democratic system of government. The army was a willing tool, ready to be used by a corrupt government who would rather kill it's citizens in their numbers than meet the demands of the protesters to disband the killer SARS and reform the police.
***THE CROCODILE SMILED AND NIGERIANS DIED.***
First, they removed all the cameras from the tollgate, to make sure there wasn't going to be any evidence to pin this massacre on them, then they rolled up in their war tanks and opened fire on unarmed civilians. It doesn't end there. A certain DJ (DJ Switch) who has been ever-present at the Lekki Tollgate since the protest took shape there, confirmed that soldiers were bundling the corpses of those gunned down into their military SUVs. Everything was planned and strategically executed by the government with the army as a willing tool, and they made sure not to leave any concrete evidence in their wake. Dismantling cameras, carting away corpses of the unarmed civilians they killed. What a bloodthirsty administration.
On top of the massacre, ambulances organized and sent to Lekki Tollgate, the location of the mass murder was either turned back by the military or just not allowed to pass through. They want to make sure those who have been wounded don't get treated so as not to give an account of what happened.
The Nigerian government is a criminal enterprise, on par with the worst gangs and mafia all over the world.
Unverified reports, as at the time of writing this journal, claim 78 people were murdered that night at Lekki Toll gate and many more in critical conditions. It was carnage, a massacre.
21/10/2020, Wednesday morning, while those directly affected by the events of last night were still reeling from the pains of their affliction, the rest of Nigeria was in shock and bewilderment. The Nigerian Army has just slaughtered countless unarmed young men and women on a peaceful protest against Police brutality. Is it still a democracy or an autocratic military regime? Who ordered the dismantling of the CCTVs at the Tollgate? Who sent the soldiers? Who gave the order to turn off the Billboard lights at the Lekki Tollgate? Who ordered the soldiers to shoot at will?
Questions, questions and more questions but no one seem to know how to answer them. It seems no one person is really in charge of the country. A presidency but no actual president is running it. Chain of command seems amiss or broken.
The Nigerian Army said there was no single soldier at Lekki Toll gate that night, but there are overwhelming video, audio and pictorial evidence to disprove that claim. What is going on? The people are demanding an explanation but nobody is coming forth with any.
Lagos State Governor, Baba-jide Sanwolu, while speaking in an official broadcast in the morning, claimed that there was no single casualty at the Lekki Tollgate the previous night, that it was nothing but just a handful of injured people, two of whom were set to be discharged that morning. During his broadcast, the Governor kept trying to make the peaceful protesters look bad by using words like "Hoodlums", "hijacked the protest" "protest was no longer peaceful", Mr Sanwolu also said what happened was orchestrated by "forces beyond his control" Who sanctioned the senseless killings of unarmed civilian Nigerians by the army?
The killings didn't end on the night of the massacre, verified videos of what seemed to be armed security agents chasing and shooting civilians in the streets of Lagos were circulating on Twitter.
There were also reported police killings the same morning in Jos, Kano, Aba, Benin.
All these carnage was just because Nigerians protested peacefully, demanding an end to police brutality, instead of listening and acting, Nigeria responded with more brutality. From all indications, it is clear Nigeria would rather go to war with her citizens than reforming the police. What could be the reason for this? Criminal enterprise.
Two months, later, nobody has been held responsible for what happened at the Lekki Tollgate.
A Journal for My Beautiful Daughter (2)
...cont.
Your mum was getting restless and it was scary to watch, I was afraid she was gonna let you out there, in the open, in the rain. I rushed upstairs and knocked on our neighbor's door (Frank) begged him for his tyre jack, got it and dashed down. Changed the tyre there in the drizzling rain, while your mum went back into the house to wait for me. I was done and we headed straight to the hospital. The roads were very bad in Owerri and no area was spared, so there was a lot of potholes and bumps on the road and each bump I get into, your mum's cramps become worse. At a point, I had to pull over and allow her calm down a bit before we continued. It was scary, because on one hand, I needed to get to the hospital as quickly as possible, on the other hand, had to go as slow as possible because of the bad roads and all the bumps. What a nightmare.
Well, it dragged for a good while but we finally got to the hospital, in-between numerous stops, because the intervals between the cramp was getting shorter and the pain was new every time and unbearable too. We got to the hospital and the Doctor wasnt there, it was on a Sunday and that was to be expected in a Nigerian hospital, as it usually a slow working day. I talked to the girl at the desk and she asked us to wait a while so she could get a nurse to check on your mum. The nurse came, and was trying to make light of your mum's situation - you know, because they have seen too many labor situations and to her this was nothing to be worried about. She could be right, but it is usually annoying for the person feeling the pains and the people they came with.
Finally, she took your mum into the checking room to ascertain the diameter and the situation of the cramps and all. A few moments later, the checks were done and it was time to brief us. She said, from her examinations that your mum wasnt due for at least another day. Suggested we go home and come back the next day. Go home? I was agigated and very worried now. Your mum is was there twisting and turning and this lady nurse is telling us to go home. Well, the pain was getting too much now and your mum was losing her cool and snapping at me for things she would have normally just smiled about. She asked for us to go, saying she needed to lay down, she needed to rest. I didnt think that was such a good idea, given how events were unfolding rapidly, but she insisted so we left. We drove through Amakohia, because I hadnt eaten that day and it was almost 5pm already and I needed to buy us some food at 'U and I' (Your mum loved their Okro soup, me, I loved all their soup. Hahaha).
We bought food and continued home to Orji (My family house), it was a long hard ride as expected but we managed. When we arrived, my mum was there (your grandma). She asked us a couple of questions pertaining to how your mum was feeling and what the verdict was at the hospital. I told them what the nurse said and she said was outraged, she said its a lie, we are going back there right now, she dashed back into the room to get some stuff. I had to rush my food, because I feared that was the only chance I had if I wanted to eat it. Hahahaha. My mum came out, still outraged by what the nurse said about the baby not being ready and suggesting we come back next day. She said to be on the safer side, its best your mum is there at the hospital and I agree whole heartedly.
Once I was done with my food, we headed back to the hospital, this time in the company of my mum (your grandma). We got there and met the same nurse, she understood at first glance that our presence meant we didnt agree with her initial evaluation of the stage of the pregnancy. This time, we insisted on seeing a doctor, patient power speaking here. She told us to sit and exercise a little patience, we did. Well, we just waited, we werent patient at all, how could we? Your mum was getting more restless by the minute. She couldn't sit, she couldn't stand, she just wanted to lay down, and when she had the opportunity to lay down, she didnt like it. It was really scary, I didnt know this was what pregnant women and concerned husbands have to go through every time a baby is on the way. This is a big deal.
A journal for my beautiful daughter
My beautiful Sugar.
I started this journal today, the 20th of July 2020, and you are exactly 10 months and 12 days old. I would have loved to start this journal earlier, but things don't always go as we would want them to, because life is never straightforward. Always remember that, things in life don't always go as planned but don't let it stop you on your track, keep moving anyway.
Well, better late than never right?
I would have loved to regal you on how your mum and I met, and how her beautiful smile got me trapped and then voila. But wouldn't you love to know all about your infant self first? Hahaha, I am sure you would.
Like I said before, I wish I had started this journal earlier, because it has been quite a journey. I kind of compensated for this slack with a Facebook page I created for you. Hahaha
It was an idea your mum and I came up with, I am not going to take all the credit for it. We thought it would be lovely to make pictures and videos of you, month after month, as you grow up and upload them on Facebook, so you'd see what you look like as a toddler. So there are pictures and videos for the times there weren't any writing of you. But from today, there shall be writings, pictures and videos of you. Your mum and I didnt have it like this when were little, but technology afforded us the opportunity to give it to you.
I am sure you would be wondering why we named you Sugar. I really love calling your name, sometimes I call it for no reason, and when I have reasons to call it, I call it non-stop. Hahaha
Your mum and I deliberated for long about a name for you when you were still a bulge in her belly. It wasn't an easy task. She would always cut me short and ask me, have you thought about a name? I would smile and say ehhh...No.
Your mum came up with some names that sounded a little funny, and all the while, I never mentioned any names to her, partly because I didn't want her laughing at me, and also because I really didn't want to just mention a bunch of names and just choose from them, I knew I'd feel it once the right name pops up.
We grew up knowing and answering biblical and religious names, it was a bit boring and repeatitve, plus your dad isnt really a church man. Hahaha. I was sure I didnt want you bearing one of those boring names, with all those religious connotations. There were already too much of it and we wanted something sweet and unique for you.
Your mum and I kind of agreed on this and I told her to go ahead, think and come up with names, while I do the same too. It took a while, but a name finally popped up. Two names actually. I was in the bathroom and your mum came up to me and said...what do you think about Sugar and Obioma? I gave out a smile and said, I like the sound of those names...Sugar. Yeah, I like that, no, I love that name. Sugar. Sugar is sweet and brings nothing but sweetness to the taste buds. You, my beautiful Sugar has brought nothing but sweetness into our lives.
About Obioma, we wanted an Igbo name for you too, but Obioma didn't stick and we thought about Idinma...Goodness, and it stuck also.
That is that about your name. We hope you love it, because we do. Sugar!
I would jump right onto the day of your birth, the day your story on earth actually started. I had come back from work early Sunday morning. Yeah, your dad used to work in a night club, as a bouncer. Hahaha...A real tough guy. Well, I came back, I was just chilling at the family residence in Orji when I got a call from your aunt in Lagos (Ada, your mum's elder and only sister) asking if your mum had called me that morning, I said no, whats happening? She said she spoke with your mum and she was complaining about cramps...Yeeshh! Cramps? I got antsy and panicky because the date of delivery from the scan we did was still 2 weeks away, or thereabout, so why is she having cramps now.
Well, I told Ada to hang up so I could call your mum. I did and she said it wasn't that serious, that Ada must have exaggerated. This was just a ruse to calm me down but I could tell from her voice that she wasnt herself. Mehn...its all happening too fast now, we hadnt bought half of the things the hospital requires for delivery, we hadnt packed her delivery bag, in fact, we weren't ready. Well, I drove down to your Uncle's house where she was (I usually drop her off there or at the family residence in Orji during the weekends so she would be close to people and not alone because obvious reasons, and because your mum was afraid of the dark. hahaha).
I met up with her at your uncle Jizzy's place, she looked strong, as she always does but I could tell your were knocking very hard on the door, wanting to get out. She suggested we go home and start packing her labour bag, I agreed and we left immediately. We got home and had the most important things packed in the bag, and now the cramps are getting stronger and happening a lot inbetween time. There was no question now that this was you trying to come out and see the world for yourself. We had finished packing and laoded everything in my bus, then I found out that I just had a flat tyre, and it was raining and I had no jack to change the tyre. Oh No...
Rekt: My Crypto Story
***A Telegram Message I Got Through Whatsapp***
It was around 23rd of October 2017, I was at home and a message popped up on my Whatsapp and it was my friend "strong man". He said hey, do you have Telegram on your phone? I said huh?
He said "Telegram", I said dude, I don’t understand what the hell you are talking about. He mocked me a bit, and then he told me Telegram was just like Whatsapp, a texting app. Well, I said no, I don’t have Telegram, what’s up?
He sent me a link to download it from Playstore. I asked why I needed Telegram. He laughed and asked me to go on and download it. Few seconds later, I had the app on my phone and told him I got it. Right away, he sent me a link to an exclusive *Bitcoin* trade learning group.
Back then in 2017, there was an exceptional rave about BTC, apparently because of that sweet bull-run to an all time high ($20k) which had gotten it some attention from many quarters, including the guys in the Wall Street.
That rave is even more now that it had hit a new ATH, everybody and his cat is talking about how *Bitcoin* is the new money, how it is revolutionizing the global banking system. I think everybody is right, *Bitcoin* is the new money, it is here to stay, it is revolutionizing the global banking system and there is no better time to get in than now, because the predictions on the upward movement of BTC in a couple of years from now is actually mind blowing.
I think this was the kind of rave that precipitated my entry into the crypto world through those who had learned about its consistent rise over the years to that point.
***Learning The Ways Of The Crypto-preneur***
Anyway, I joined the telegram group, introduced myself and was warmly welcomed by those already present. I was told the forum needed a particular number of people, and then its membership for the year would be closed. I felt so lucky to hear this and privileged to be part of the forum. Apparently, the forum was the brainchild of someone’s (Teacher) benevolence, he had learned about the consistent rise of BTC over the years, he had learned how to trade it and he had already amassed a fortune from it, so the idea of this forum was merely to empower others and raise a community of traders. (What a man).
Soon enough, the classes had started right off and we started from the very beginning, because at the time, most of us in the forum hadn’t the slightest idea what *Bitcoin* was all about (Yeah, we might have heard it in passing). So we got an introduction into what *Bitcoin* was about, how it came to be and how it has become a tool for wealth generation.
The amazing potentials of BTC whispered into our ears tuned us in and made sure we never missed classes. He was teaching us, using a funded account of one of his many exchanges. I saw pictorial confirmation of the volume of BTC in his trading portfolio, and to say I wasn’t motivated would be me telling a lie, and I never tell a lie (LOL).
During this period, I had a business that was struggling a bit, so the plan was to stabilize the business, raise some cash and kick off trading proper. So, in other words, I didn’t have money for trading yet, so I kept learning.
The learning was progressing organically, slow and steady because obviously in a new terrain, Teacher was being careful not to burn us out with too much information at once, so he’d make sure to fuse humour into his teachings, he made sure it wasn’t all serious, like most higher learning would be. He gradually introduced Fundamental and Technical Analysis (FA&TA) to our teachings to make sure we were properly grounded in the trade.
Soon, some of us had started trading and were making really good progress, those of us who hadn’t started, for one reason or the other were seriously itching to go, I obviously chief among them.
The plan of stabilizing my business wasn’t exactly panning out as I had projected, so I cut it loose. I sold my business for a small fortune with my mind set squarely on joining the new burgeoning crypto-entrepreneurs. I felt ready (I think circumstances made me think so), I have cash now, I have ample knowledge, at least enough to keep me afloat while I learn some more.
I didn’t mention that Teacher was a skilled trader in not just BTC, but Altcoins too. He was a whale, a one of a kind whale, not just because he possessed very heavy portfolio, but because he had grown that portfolio with very limited resource.
He built himself up, he built his portfolio and his reputation along with it and he was benevolent enough to pass down his knowledge free of charge. But in all his teachings, he barely talked about Alts, he would just brush past it and back to BTC. He was wise, he knew the dangers Alts posed to noobs and he was shielding us from it without us even knowing there were other coins aside BTC/ETH.
*I got to find out the hard way why everything we were taught strictly revolved around those two major coins*.
***I Kicked Off My Trading***
Having sold my business and now with enough cash in hand, I funded my Exchange account and commenced trading. I portioned my capital in three places like Teacher had taught, as he always warned never to go all in. This way, you could average up or down, depending on where BTC price went and your capital would still be intact.
I was making consistent money from trading now, I was nowhere professional or even intermediary level but at my noob level, I was consistent with applying the knowledge I had garnered and every now and then I would dabble into ETH trading on the same Exchange – same principle, different rate of volatility.
I was trading actively now and was making new friends in the crypto community. New friends bred new more friends and the line extended so much and the exposure proved to be the beginning of my problems.
***Altcoins Did The Damage***
Soon, I found myself in many new Telegram groups, a lot more than I cared to count. I had strayed from my Teacher, from my disciplined practice; I had let myself get cornered into high risk high reward world of Alts.
Remember I was still a noob, relatively new in crypto and remember Teacher didn’t teach Alts, for obvious reasons (They’ll wreck you quicker than you can blink).
I got new kind of exposure now; away from what I had started with, this one promised profit in 10 folds compared to whatever BTC would give me (Yes, if you know what the hell you are doing).
This new faux teacher, obviously a fraud was part of a pump and dump group oblivious to us the now members. He/she would give us signals for Alts that were about to moon and we would blindly buy whatever coin that was called and wait to be made rich – we were made miserable instead.
We would go in at last minute, and the coins would be dumped so hard on us, we wouldn’t know what hit us.
FOMO became the order of the day for me, my new reality. An experience I wasn’t familiar with while trading BTC.
The problem with Alts is, since most of them are just merely tiny bits of satoshi, it was easy for just 2 whales to manipulate the movement of a particular coin.
In no time, I had many shit coins I had bought at ATH (Obviously when they were massively pumped) shrinking away in my portfolio. LOL. I had TRX, CND, POE MANNA in large quantity, and I was going beyond signals from my new groups to know when to sell. I went on Twitter and started following a lot more faux expert crypto analysts (obviously paid pumpers). I even followed Justin Sun on Twitter, trying to know when things might turn around.
I had lost my BTC portfolio to Alts trading now, everything I had there, I had moved to Alts, I was desperate to recover some parts of my capital, everything was fast going down the drain. I was feeling depressed and frustrated and powerless, I was mad and wanted to hit someone...anyone!
It dawned on me that I was fighting an already lost battle, HODLing and hoping was all I could do but I just couldn’t keep my eyes away from my portfolio and it started affecting my mental health.
I cut my losses, sold off everything and just sulked. I was REKT and I lost my drive and attraction to crypto, and I had been out since.
***Take-Away From My Rant***
· Crypto-currency is the new money and BTC is the new bank, create an account today, be part of the movement.
· If you intend to trade crypto professionally, then you need a guide, a teacher and you need discipline to keep to your teacher’s guidelines
· Altcoins would wreck you fast because of its high volatility, so stay away unless you know what you are doing.
· FOMO is bad for you but since it is psychological, you need strong willpower and wisdom to fight it.
· Dont be reckless with your money, if you are taking risks, take calculated risks.
· You need emotional intelligence to succeed in any business.
· You need psychological maturity rid yourself of crowd mentality and do your own thing.
Making Sure My First Marriage Would Be My Last.
***Giving Up Your Portion***
The only times an adult human is truly free to make his/her own decisions are right after they'd left their parent's house and a couple of minutes before they say I do.
Now, it might not sound entirely logical comparing a budding adult still under the care of the parents to an adult who just got married, after all, what they have in common is just that one thing; they don't get to have all the say or any at all in their lives as the case may be, so that is the only basis for my comparison.
This to a lesser extent is the case in marriage, here, you are an adult, you own rights and privileges but you are not in total control of your life and your decisions, because you are in a union, a partnership. It could be 50/50 or 70/30 in terms of resource contributions but one person do not control everything.
You think you it would be different when you eventually get married? Try coming back from work one hour later than you should, without any sound explanation (How does that make you feel?).
Marriage, unlike finding yourself under your guardian’s roof is a conscious decision. Here you actually have a choice, a choice of who, when and how you get married (to) It is conscious decision to come together under one roof, to live together as husband and wife and thus willingly sacrificing some portions of your rights and preferences and privileges for the fostering of a common interest; raising a family together and providing companionship to one another.
***Doing Due Diligence***
You'd imagine given the stakes, due diligence is done before choosing who you'd give up all these things for. Yes, due diligence should be done, but it's not that simple, marriage might be a partnership but it is one built and sustained on emotions and intimacy, one whose ultimate benefit are also naturally and usually emotional.
When your interests are based on love and emotions, you are guided by your heart as are your decisions but when your interests are financial just like in business partnership, you think and make decisions devoid of emotions. In other words, the due diligence mostly done before marriages are in the line of - I love him/her, does he/she love me same way? Would his/her family accept me? Is that diligent enough? Does love alone guarantee a long lasting marriage?
You see it's a tricky one, due diligence here might turn out to be just a bad forecast. You can't see everything from the outside until you get in, which is why people divorce after a couple of years together, some even after decades together (Bezoz?) And once you get in, it becomes a game of patience, tolerance, understanding, faithfulness and a host of other virtues.
The only way you consciously prepare for eventualities in marriage is by signing a prenup. Prenup sort of means “*Yeah, I love you and all that but we are humans and there are chances we might not love each other anymore tomorrow, or there are chances that one of us might cheat on the other and mess things up, so let’s sign this piece of paper for when that happens we can just split our estate and everything we owned and everyone can go their separate way in peace*”.
Imagine getting into marriage with someone you claim to love and you are not even sure if you guys are going to survive the next 5 years together. Prenups are really awkward and some people are weird too.
Phew! All that talk about due diligence, it’s really not practical. I know it isnt for me, the love and promise I made with my wife are good enough for me, so I and my wife didn’t sign any prenuptials and I sure hope I won’t be Jeff Bezoz (I would love to be him financially though. LOL). My point is, it takes conscious and practical efforts to sustain a healthy marriage.
I might not have been married for long or learnt all the marriage lessons there is to learn. As a matter of fact, I would say I am relatively inexperienced but I am sure the little I have to share would sound new to some people and thus teach them a thing or two about being married and making it work.
**Note: This is not what is attainable everywhere, this is my own personal point of view.**
***Communication is Important:***
This cannot be over emphasized in any form of relationship.
It is advisable to always talk things through with your spouse no matter what the situation might be, communication keeps both parties in the loop and makes sure no one feels neglected.
Another reason why communication is so important is to make sure negative emotions unspoken, isnt allowed to linger and then fester, there by corrupting the relationship. Imagine a scenario where you are upset with your spouse, you dont speak out and they have no idea about out, you havent given them the opportunity to defend or explain themselves. These bottled up emotions might lead to resentment for your partner and thereby poisoning your marriage.
Complements are also a form of communication and your bond with your partner grows stronger every time they hear you complement their outfits, their smile, their positive actions, their gestures etc. When you complement them, it means you are taking note and you are appreciative of their efforts.
***Need for Privacy***
Respecting each other's privacy is important in a marriage too and I think this is applicable to every marriage not just mine. Try not to pry into your spouse private space and eavesdrop on their conversations. They'd lose respect for you once they find out you have been doing this to them and you wouldnt want that.
Do you secretly read their texts? Stop it, it is not healthy, dont go that far unless you have a good reason to suspect that they might be stepping out on you.
***Good sex is important.***
I didn’t say sex is important; I said good sex is important and I mean it. Sex is like that part of a marriage that brings everything other thing together, that is when it is usually always good. Dont get me wrong, it is impossible to blow your partner away 10 out 10 times when you consider all human factors, but you are under obligation to give your partner that toe curling feeling at least once a week. Give them a reason to think about you often when they are away, a reason why they’d get hot when they think back. Hold the power to force them to come for an impromptu break so they could just come have some.
Sex is such a powerful bonding tool, because it needs you to be in your original human form, base level. No covers, every of your perfections and imperfections laid bare for your partner’s eyes. Take your time and talk to your partner’s body, make use of the tools at your disposal, make efforts to please, don’t be selfish, what you dont know, try to learn, ask them what their fantasies are and live it with them.
`DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE - DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE - DO NOT CHEAT ON YOUR SPOUSE`
***Dont Be Too Friendly With other People***
Nobody says you shouldnt still be friends with members of the opposite sex just because you got married, but when do you know you might be doing it too much?
Some partners can be overly jealous and possessive at times and for good reason of course. Don’t give them reason to be paranoid because you want to be cool and new school. Always let your admirers know you are married, in case they didn’t see your ring (or you aint wearing one). Respect your partners and put yourself in their shoes.
***Personal Hygiene***
Do you think that because you are married, your partner should get used everything you used to do as a single person? If you think this way, then you are on a path to a rude shock in your marriage. Cleanliness can make you godly in your partner’s eyes. Do you expect him/her to believe that you are always too tired to hit the shower or brush your teeth before bed? Hell no
The best nights you could have with your partner are those you could kiss, cuddle, talk in each other’s face and practically have your noses up their body. Do you think that would be possible when you dont wash up and brush your teeth? (LOL)
Now, these points I have made aren’t going to guarantee that you would live a happily ever after with your spouse, but I can assure you, they are some of the reasons for some unwarranted tensions in marriages, tension that might fester, linger then lead to falling out of love and possibly divorce, so do better.
***Take-Away From My Rant***
· *Respect each other’s privacy, you might be married but you are still two different individuals. I dont answer my wife’s phone calls nor read her messages, unless she asks me to. This is like an unwritten rule for me unless something warrants the prying.*
*· Take personal hygiene seriously, brush your teeth and have your bath before climbing onto that bed. Give his/her nose some peace and watch your nightlife improve.*
*· Talk to each other, dont let issues pile up, its would burst a pipe in your relationship. When your spouse upset you, let them know so they can apologize or explain.*
*· Good sex fosters intimacy, intimacy strengthens the bond between you and that would make your marriage even stronger.*
My Bodybuilding Story
***The Genesis***
I got into bodybuilding because I needed to look good for the ladies. (LOL) Of course, a good number of dudes who aren’t professional body builders go into bodybuilding to impress. Have you been to the gym on a Saturday?
Truth is, humans would always seek validation, it may not be OK but it happens a lot.
It didn’t exactly start like that for me but something like that happened along the line. While growing up, I had 4 older brothers to look up to, they did everything I would have loved to do and more, and body building was one of those things.
***The Older Brother Effect***
The eldest of my siblings is the hardest and wisest amongst us (are they usually like that). He would put anyone of us in line when we overstep. I always looked up to him in more ways than one, he doesn’t know that, he might never know.
I remember one time, I made it a point of duty to write the way he does (Influenced my handwriting today), mimicking his handwriting and signature. That’s how much influence he had on me; ironically, we have a striking resemblance too. LOL
Well, he made me fall in love with bodybuilding. He would do a lot of press ups in his room, I wouldn’t be watching, but I would be listening and he always comes out bloated and sweaty. He trained that way often and I would wish I could do it just like him, but I knew at the time that my body wasn’t strong enough for the stress. When press-ups weren’t cutting it anymore and because of how resourceful he can be, he constructed a local gym with Cement and concrete.
He was buff, intimidating and well respected amongst his peers in the neighbourhood, his nickname is still very much present on the lips of those who knew him then. Well into midlife, he still goes by that name, even within the family, sometimes we forget what his real name is. (LOL)
Imagine having such older brother and not wanting to be like him. He eventually moved out of the house but the he had already made his mark on me and soon enough, I felt I was big and strong enough to do what he did.
As a beginner, I would do a couple of reps of press-ups and I would fall flat, thinking to myself, nah, I don’t think this is for me, I don’t think I can do this. (Do I really need to be buff? I can just be skinny in peace. LOL).
I was approaching my late teens and I was lanky as hell. I had things to do and things to think about (like just being a teenager) and building muscles was just too difficult to be one of them.
Fast forward to my early twenties, I was in the university, and there were all kinds of competition going on. Competition for who is the coolest dude in the department, who is the alpha male, who gets to be the ladies man. In these kinds of competition, being buff actually increases your chance by a lot...You don’t get to do much once you are buff, just talk slow and say few words, smile (I already had that going for me) and turn up at events.
This was my reality on campus, I was studious alright, but I wasn’t going to be just about the books, variety happens to be the spice of life.
***The Turning Point***
The reality I painted above was already there but it wasn’t what really jolted me into hitting the gym. I was hanging out with two of my favourite boys one morning right before lectures, we sat behind these 3 girls who were deep into a nothing conversation about guys, good looks and all that crap (LOL. I am vexed already, you will know why soon). One of them casually mentioned how she was a sucker for tall handsome, dudes.
I heard this, I could hear their conversations but I was totally indifferent, but my friend, dude wouldn’t leave it alone. He motioned at them, the sucker girl turned around and dude pointed at me and said "how about him'? (Apparently I had all the qualities she mentioned, but she didn’t mention everything LOL) She said nah, your friend is too skinny. (Kill me! F**king kill me). Hahaha.
I was really embarrassed, like she could have just ignored him or better still; dude could have just kept his mouth shut. LOL...things progressed pretty quickly from there.
That was my turning point there.
Ladies and gentlemen, at that moment, my world almost came crashing but I knew I was paper weight and nobody would notice if I’d fall(LOL) So, I took in good strides and just like my elder brother did, I hit the gym. I didn't have the funds to register in a standard gym so I improvised. I got myself a single dumbbell that weighed about 15kg (it was plenty heavy, I was just a rookie). I would do press-ups and curls for at least 40mins, 3x every day. (Like a 3 course meal).
It wasn’t as easy as I just described it though, at first, the pains were unbearable, I couldn’t wash my back in the shower, I could scratch my butt (LOL), my muscles were sore and painful as hell, but I knew those were the price I had to pay and with time, the pains were going to go away. And it did, I was still a rookie but I had left the novice level and I was working my way up to intermediary.
Something was happening; I noticed some changes, not just about my physicality but about how people talked to and addressed me. I was getting noticed and getting complements from all and sundry. I loved that feeling, it was nice hearing ladies complement me on my body. Have you felt that? No? (Hit the gym then).
***The Body Builder***
I was outgrowing my normal routine of press-ups and dumbbells now, I needed something better, something heavier and since finance was a constraint, I built my own gym.
I had enough room in our backyard to build a local gym that had everything, from squat stand to weight bench and more room for lunging and dead-lifts. I was set, ain't nothing stopping me. I was so motivated by what I saw in the mirror and in people's eyes that I became obsessed with bodybuilding. I would workout in the rain, alone with no one spotting me. My routine was mad, because all I did was workout, eat sleep and go for lectures.
From once being a lanky dude, I had blossomed into masterpiece. I had the genetics so everything just fell into place and it doesn't get any better than being 6ft1. Massive!
Soon enough I had guys from the neighbourhood coming to join me in my gym. At one point, almost every young man in the neighbourhood wanted to build their body - at my gym. I became an instructor without knowing it.
Normally I would allow people do whatever the hell they liked (Some know-it-alls don't like being told what to do in the gym). But those who enjoy my programs and the form with which I workout usually want me to guide them.
***The Gym Coach***
With time, I outgrew my local gym and outgrew the attention I was getting in school from the ladies, attention I once craved. I no longer cared to be the alpha male or cared for the attention I got from the ladies because I was no longer doing it for them, I was doing it now because it feels so damn good, and because of how much I enjoyed coaching newbies and watching them grow and make the kind of progress I did, I took up gym coaching in one of the gyms downtown.
I had left the comforts of my backyard gym, I was in the big leagues now and I had to be the best trainer there could be, I had to be up to date with regimens, programs and diets. I really morphed big time, I was practically a gym rat. A body builder, coach and nutritionist and there was no better feeling. I carried my huge body with grace and excellence, as I should (LOL). I got recommendations for personal security, while I could still coach, but I didn’t want it at the time, but it eventually happened.
***The Bouncer***
A few years later, I dabbled into club bouncing and the bustles of night life. It was fun and risky because you were literally responsible for making sure drunk, irate people (sometimes dangerous) are always in line. The job requires intelligence, poise, discretion, confidence and strength...because you would be carrying a lot of people out the club. The bouncing job paid better but proved to be more mentally, physically and emotionally tasking and I knew it couldn’t be a long term thing.
It was not always grim though, bouncers are a high demand commodity for the ladies - especially good looking bouncers. On a good day, you'll get women throwing themselves at you, call girls and customers alike. Sometimes they write and stuff their phone numbers down into your pocket with some nice tips too...you get unsolicited kisses planted on you by drunk women and some would rub their behind on your crouch to draw a reaction.
I got married and left that job (such a high risk for my new marital status)
Many years have passed and a fire that was ignited in me by my older brother is still with me. I might not work out so much now but I am still in love with body building and I am something of a nutritionist now. You always see me telling everyone around me what to eat and what not to eat, how to balance meals up, and best ways to lose weight without skipping a meal. All these, just born out of passion for working out and it had stayed with me till now. Talk about influence.
***Take-Away From My Rant***
· When you are within and around kids, act right, they may be watching you. Kids would naturally want to do what they see you do.
· When you find yourself in a position of power, try to be more of a positive influence.
· Hitting the gym as a young man is one of the best things you could do for yourself. It gives you confidence, keeps you fit and healthy both short and long term.
· When you are prepared, opportunities usually meet you well.
· Explore, do things you love, you will be happy and grateful for it as you advance in life.
Reason Why I Went Broke.
***When You I Had It Good***
When it comes to living the good life, what we desire and what we can afford do not always agree. Now I am not a professional in the field of money management nor am I a specialist business consultant that can point you where the money is, but, I have lived enough and made enough financial mistakes to know that it doesn’t really take a professional to know how not to go broke.
But, what better teacher than experience itself? When you have been burned severally by your decisions, you can almost give an accurate forecast when such issues are discussed. I had been reduced to ground zero in the past for my uneducated financial risks and investments.
Many times, I had dabbled into things I didn’t understand enough to dabble into and it cost me, some other times it is just my sheer wastefulness.
The ability to make sound financial decisions is a skill, you are either lucky enough to learn it early in life and not been burnt (through mentorship/reading) or you learn them later in life through being burnt (Personal experience).
A lot of things contribute to our financial stagnation in life, some of them we knowingly indulge in, some of them we are totally ignorant of.
Stick with me while I walk you through some of these things, and quite unfortunately these are the things I experienced firsthand, because I wasn’t privileged to learn them early, so I had to learn them through my own personal experience. (By force)
***I Had No Money Management Skills.***
Many of our financial shortcomings come under this heading, not all of them though. But, some of them are also big enough menace to have a heading of their own. I was making a lot of money at one time, but because my expenses weren’t tracked and structured, I was bleeding money on many fronts.
I was making money from one source (another item we will talk about) and it was going out in many different ways, I was practically bleeding money from many pores without evening knowing it. I was supporting my family, running my business, giving myself a good time every now and then, shopping, paying rent...I mean there were just many outlets and you'd think my business was generating tons of cash. Nope, it wasn’t. Although it was the kind of business that made sure I had cash in hands all day long, not all of them were expendable but did I even know?
I didn’t know I was supposed to calculate what my monthly net was and structure my expenses in line with it. You know, how much to (or whether to spend at all) spend on things after spending on other important things. You know like Savings, rent, electricity, food, gas etc. I just spent as it came (a fool and his money...)
*Do you structure your finances by what is important and spend accordingly or do you just spend on everything in your path assuming they are all equally important?*
***Impulse Shopping***
Because I always had cash in my hands, I always felt spending a tiny bit on frivolities wouldn’t hurt (It always hurts). I'd go to the mall for a 1kg item, and I'd come out with receipt for a 15kg item purchase instead. (LOL) I thought I was that rich. If I only I always had a list of items I came to the mall for, I wouldn’t be throwing everything into my cart like a damn fool. Impulse shopping has a psychological bearing and needs some kind of discipline to ward off.
***I Lived Above My Means***
This is such a silent killer that you'd have to be financially literate to understand whether you are living below, within or above your means. When I hadn’t learnt the ways of money, I could make 10 pages of money per month and 8 pages would go straight into expenses, some of them needless.
I expended before I even thought about saving. With the kind of money I was making, I had no business living in the kind of house I was living in, rent alone would take 5.5 of my 10 pages, then the other 4.5 is scattered amongst other waiting hands.
I wasn’t bothered, as long as the money was coming consistently, I thought everything would eventually work themselves out (How wrong could you be with money). I was certainly not living within my means, I was in a vicious cycle of almost hand to mouth living and I didnt know it because the business was still bringing forth fruit, enough to keep the cycle going.
*Do not live to please, let your lifestyle reflect your income*
***One Source Of Income***
Expenses burdened me so much because I had that just one business, everything revolved around it and life was practically being sucked out of it. I was so engulfed in that one business that I didn’t even think about diversifying, I didn’t consider other streams of income. I learnt the hard way when my business eventually came crashing. I had grown it big and stable enough to pursue something else to support it. I didn’t and when it started suffering, I too started suffering because I was practically feeding off of it.
***I Didnt Save For Rainy Days***
How would you have a source of income, a business and not save? Why would you expend the whole money that comes into your purse.
Well, that’s exactly what I did, thought the business would always be there, I thought that money was going to be coming in non-stop. When the business was eventually begging for injection of cash from outside, to give it a much needed boost, there was no money to inject. The rainy days were here and there was nothing planned for it. I eventually sold my business when I could no longer sustain it, I sold it, paid off debts with half of it. I practically hit rock bottom.
***Take-Away From My Rants***
· *If you weren’t privileged to be taught about money, learn and read about money, be financially literate, because only then would you learn to make money and keep it.*
*· Dont live to impress, live within your means.*
*· Learn to invest your money when you start making some.*
*· Avoid impulse shopping, when you want to go to the mall, write down everything you intend to buy and the approximate amount the items on the list would cost, and then go along with cash slightly above that amount.*
*· Make sure your monthly rent doesn’t cost at least half of your monthly income*
*· Diversify and invest in other businesses. Multiple streams of income is one of the surest ways to make sure you don’t ever go broke.*
*· Save, save and save. Learn to save a certain percentage of your income before expenses. Save and prepare yourself for the rainy days.*
I Thought My ex Was Going To Be My Last
***Cupid Had A Thing For Me***
I believe some people are destined to be together, you know twin souls destined to endure the ups and downs of life together - Soulmates. But Cupid had struck me so many times in the past, that I was beginning to think that he was personally assigned to me, my own guardian angel. This led me to question the idea of "soul mate", because at some point in every one of those past relationships, i thought I had met the one, my "soul mate" because we had a lot alike, a lot of chemistry. But is it just down to chemistry? What about Biology? LOL. I am just playing...
I am sure this feeling is universal, or am I alone in this? I hope not. Love is a crazy thing that makes you do more crazy things, blinds you to logic, dumbs your brain down to merely choices of emotions, helps magnify basic human qualities and conceals obvious character flaws, you overlook things that are visibly there - until the veil wears of at least. No wonder they say love is blind.
I have had my share of ex's, some of which I was sure at one point in our relationship that we were eventually going to end up married to each other but fate kept having the final say. At the time, I would feel a ting of heartbreak, whether I initiated the split or not, I always felt bad not having to be in their company anymore.
***First Of Its Kind***
I remember my first relationship (sort of). I was in my teens, we were acquainted but weren't really on that talking level yet. We took a liking at each other the first day we set eyes on each other but nobody was talking. I was a shy lanky dude who was usually an object of admiration in the female circle, I didn't know what to do with all that attention.
She liked me, I could tell, I liked her, that much was obvious and I assumed she wanted me to make a move but my guts failed me (yeah, shame on me). She was a rascal of a girl, never gave a damn about what no one did or said about her, her passive moves towards me started becoming more active (Well, someone had to make the move, since I was obviously being a sissy. LOL).
She did all kinds of things to get my attention, I wasn't budging ( I was obviously too shy to), then she took her plans towards my more outspoken and expressive cousin. Dude thought miss lady was into her, little did he know it was just a ploy to get to me, he was just a detour. It dawned on him when she had written a beautiful love letter, donned with a big heart shape at the bottom and handed it to him to relay to me, lol, dude lost his cool and lashed out at her. He was offended she would think him an errand boy to make such demeaning request of him. They had a major fallout, and I somehow became the center of it because she came to me (finally) to complain about my cousin's actions towards her, and I didn't need to hear from my cousin because I already knew what was going on. I played the mediator, but they obviously had no intentions of making up. At that point, my cousin was still my cousin and now my crush was now a friend. DESTINY had brought us together (destiny indeed LOL).
***First Love Drags On The Longest***
Well, as you might have guessed, it took off from there. We spent much of everyday together, alone in each other's company (many times in the open). She was seriously intrigued by me, it was as though I was some kind of mythical creature and she was eager to know everything about me. At this point, we were practically dating, but we never had an alone time in a private place.
Our first kiss happened in one of those very open places. We had agreed to meet at a library (No intentions to read). Back then, seeing each other's face alone was so satisfying, it was almost orgasmic.
At the library we had seen enough of each other and decided to start heading out, in the staircase, in some kind of weird show of affection, she asked me to spit into her palms (huh?). I asked why? She said dont ask, just do it, I said no, I can kiss you if you want to (Yeah!, manning up finally). I could tell this suggestion appealed to her better because her face lit up, and without further invitation, I moved closer to have and gave her the wettest most affectionate kiss I had ever given any girl. It was a few moment of magic. We kissed so passionately while hugging each other. It felt like a scene in those war movies where the soldier's wife would see him off to the train station and they share one last passionate kiss with the thought they might not see each other again. (quite the picture)
We broke off the embrace and dislodged our lips, and I could swear none of us wanted to leave each other's arms, the chemistry was beautiful.
Ultimately, this love story ended when I moved to a new city, I felt bad, I missed her but I knew it was bound to happen soon, both of us were still in our teens, and there was life ahead to explore and we enjoyed it while it lasted. We ran into each other again 4 years later in my new city, but then the flame had apparently died and we didn't bother to revive it.
***Coming Of Age, The First True Sucker Punch.***
A short while later, I was in the university, I kinda coasted through, didn't have much of a social life but would get into a pointless relationship every now and then.
This one though wasn't pointless, we loved each other ( I think so). She was a very beautiful young woman with the perfect body and could whine it like Shakira. We were in love, we had been together for a year before I found out that she had been spoken for, she didn't think I needed to know. I was broken, I was gonna lose her because I was no match for her suitor. Money and social status was such a big pull and I lost out. I had really thought something was there, I thought it was gonna be her, we loved each other, we had so much in common and we respected each other a lot but, fate played the last card. I moved on, just as she did, in fact she moved on, away across the Atlantic to her now husband.
Sad face - Exhales!!!
***Miss Mystery Damsel***
I had left the university now, I fiery young man, a more robust ladies man. I had more flings now than actual relationships, because unlike during my university days and prior, I knew what I wanted at this point, more focus on financially productive ventures and less distractions - relationships. It was during this period of great resolve that I ran into the girl whose presence in my life almost brought about my early demise...I had thought she was the one, I was more matured now, settled, making money, everything was good, then with a single blow, she stole my joy and almost stole my life...Damn, I dont want to get into this again, I have already written about her here (I fell in love with a sociopath Pt 1). I am still writing the second part of that one. https://read.cash/@Morning_Star/i-fell-in-love-with-a-sociopath-pt1-b248de8f
***My Happily Ever After***
Just like everything in life, a single experience doesn't define a person, my previous episode, right before I finally met my wife was the darkest and most hurtful experience of betrayal of love and friendship I had felt in my life. It was hurtful, it was devastating but it wasn't the end of the world, the world doesn't care if you are reeling in pain or if your heart has just been broken, it keeps revolving, people keep laughing and living. After I had healed, over a year plus, I met one of the most beautiful women I had ever seen in my life, her smile blew me away.
I got a call from a very close friend of mine, he came into town and wanted to meet, we hadn't seen for a while and he just wanted to say hello. I drove to the address he gave me, he was attending a friend's wedding (he was the best-man). When the wedding was over, we left. He told me he had to see someone, said we should pick the person up then go hang out, I said cool, why not.
Few minutes later, we were there, he made a call to the person, and we waited. I was blasting away on the car's sound system, a collection of my favorite gangster rap, then we heard a tap on the car, I looked around and saw this beautiful human female. Oh my days! Her smile was exquisite, she had this beautiful dentition that looks as though her teeth arent a complete set, you know the whole 32...I told my friend that I had seen a wife, he smiled and waved me off.
We are married and have a beautiful daughter.
***Take Away Of My Rant***
Keeping an open mind while dating, prepares you for any uncertainties.
Love is beautiful, it actually helps you grow and attain some kind of emotional balance and maturity, dont block it out.
Heartbreak is gonna happen, it usually does, it is a learning curve and a hurdle you must pass through to get to the finish line.
The end of a relationship is not the end of the world, dust yourself off, live again and love again, the best is up ahead.
The world doesnt care about how broken you are, if its pity you want, you will get it but pity doesnt help you grow, whenever you hit a snag in whatever you do, dont stop trying, simply change course and keep sailing.
The Paranoia of parenthood and raising a girl child
***The Unique View from My Angle***
Since my adolescence, I figured I had been wired to see things differently. I see things that others usually wouldn’t see, in my head I always paint many possible scenarios of one particular event and how they may pan out. This puts me in a mode of perpetual paranoia. If I am going out on a first time date, I would imagine spilling food on my body and embarrassing myself in front of my date, I would imagine accidentally farting, I would imagine she accidentally farts and how I might react to that, how embarrassed she would be. (LOL. I am really not weird at all, all these are mostly just in my head)
Yeah, I know, my head is a mess, I paint some of the craziest pictures, but down the line, this has been a blessing more than a curse. I always anticipate the worse cases and try to make sure they don’t play out; I try to stop them before they happen. This has been one of the reasons I have an impeccable timing, I am hardly caught in the wrong place at the wrong/time...
Sometimes it can be frustrating, trying to make people see things the way you see them, trying to make people pre-empt situations the way you do and probably avoid any bad outcome. Since I have seen it as part of who I am, dealing with this frustration has also become part of my forte (such a big burden i put on myself).
***My Service to Humanity (Usually free. LOL)***
Sometimes I would find myself in a place filled with kids and adults alike, usually parents and their wards, whose welfare normally shouldn’t be any of my concern, but I find myself being more concerned for these kids more than their actual guardians. When they start playing the way kids play, I imagine them falling awkwardly and breaking a bone, I imagine them getting possible nasty cuts and thus I become affixed on them, unconsciously trying to make sure they don’t play with anything that might cause them any kind of injury. It doesn't help at all that I had once seen a little girl of about 4 years old or thereabout with a punctured eye, with water still kind of gushing out of it, looked a bit fresh like it had happen recently (How do you think this kid came about this punctured eye?) Damn!
Physical welfare of kids that I deem helpless isn’t always the center of my worry, I always imagine the kind of life those kids would be forced to have as a result of those injuries they might carry into adulthood, how negatively it would affect their lives, it breaks my heart when I think about it, a kid, whole from birth but ultimately losing a limb or being maimed from an avoidable incident. I always worry about their possible emotional bearing as adults as a result of these injuries, but, que sera sera right?.
***It Doesn’t Get Easier, It Gets Difficult***
This whole mindset is why I cringe at the thought of sexual deviants (pedophiles) and child molesters. Imagine scarring a child emotionally and psychologically for life by abusing them sexually. These kids grow up being abusers themselves and most times become unfit to be in the general human population, they end up needing rehabilitation (Prison/Psychologists/Psych wards). What would have been if their parents/guardians were a little bit more careful or if they had paid more attention?
I know sometimes, things are beyond our control, but sometimes they are within it, that is why it is logical to give your kids/wards 100% care and attention and if you aren’t ready to give that to them, then don’t have them until you are ready to.
Before I moved out of my family house, my nephew and niece (3 and 5yrs old respectively) would come to spend the holiday with us, majorly because of my mum (grandma) and she could do so much. So most of the time, I would be tasked (I task myself by myself) to monitor their every move, especially once they are out of the house.
We lived in an open neighbourhood, (open your front door and you are out in the open with everyone else) so my niece and nephew are always going into our neighbour’s house. In this neighbour’s house, there are two adolescent boys, I have seen how these boys, regardless of how little they were, were always up to no good, so I make conscious effort in making sure my nephew and niece are never alone with them at any point in time. In fact I was always mostly more worried about my niece. I could allow her brother go there and play but I was never letting her out of my sight. Sometimes the kids think I was being harsh on them but I was just sincerely looking out for them.
***Being Exposed Too Early***
My over protectiveness may have come from a memory that keeps sticking out in my head. I remember being kissed passionately by a female cousin of mine who had come to our house at the time for holidays. I was 8 at the time and she was 17, I remember having an erection (my first, I think) while she was kissing me, I didn’t understand what she was doing, but I knew I liked it and she looked like she was about to explore some more when an incoming footstep spooked her and she stopped abruptly and left me. I remember after that experience how much I seemed to be attached to her, emotionally, I remember feeling bad (jealousy i think) whenever I see her chatting and laughing with my older siblings). I wanted her all to myself, I wanted to experience that warmth she gave me, I didn’t want anybody to take that away from me. I was too young to feel the way I was feeling, but I really didn’t know what I was doing because I had been exposed way too early to sex/romance. We never really got to do that again, I figure the opportunity never came up or she got better from my older siblings. Now imagine if we had really engaged in penetrative sex, I might have turned out a sexual deviant as an adult.
Now, I don’t know what the statistics look like but I am assuming the male child come out better off from experience like this compared to their female counterparts. With the male children, it usually doesn’t tell much when a an adult female had abused them as opposed to the female children when adult male abuse them, the effect is usually worse on the female child growing into adulthood, she usually becomes damaged goods, reason why protecting the female child from molestation has become such a hot topic with feminists/social activists.
***Assuming My Role in the Scheme of Things***
Being a new dad (to a female child) and armed with all these past experience and knowledge, my paranoia is understandable, and somewhat warranted. I am overprotective of my baby girl, when she started crawling and would do some manoeuvres on the bed (her fortress), I always had my heart in my mouth, she would climb the couch in the living room without a care in the world, I imagine all kinds of things and a few times, I had been there (fortunately) to catch her from falling. I have caught her flask once on its way to crushing her pretty little feet, (she walks now so she is always everywhere, lifting things she can’t carry).
Being a parent (one who actually cares and is emotionally invested) is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, you are not only always physically drained, you are emotionally drained as well. (Her mum does her best too, but I try not to let her carry the entire burden).
Sometimes her mum would laugh at me and tell me to relax, she is just being a kid and she would be just fine. Well, I know she would be fine but I am not going to leave that entirely to chance now, am I?
Now, at my 1 year and 3 months old parenthood (Daddyhood), I am already an overprotective dad, and I am sure nothing is going to change. I am never leaving her alone with any uncles, male family friends, and no sitting on anybody's laps.
Although when she comes of age, I will try not to be weird about it, I would just do a lot of talking; make sure she understands what is what and the consequences of unwise decisions. I am sure going to enrol her in a martial arts class, so she could learn self defence and protect herself. I would be more at peace knowing she can stand toe to toe with any bully/abuser. I am pre-emptive, so best to cover all bases and be prepared.
***Take Away Of My Entire Rant***
· Be present in your children’s/wards’ lives, don’t have them if you are not ready to invest everything in them. Be present, be practical.
· Kids will always be kids but you still have to do your part as a parent/guardian. There is a reason why they helpless, they don’t know what they are doing half of the time, so they need you to always make decisions for them, even when they oppose those decisions.
· There are cases of pedophiles is on the rise, don’t trust your kids with anyone, especially family and friends, they are safest when they are with you.
· The female child is endangered, watch her like a hawk.
· When your daughter comes into her teen, enroll her into any self defense training; teach her to protect herself and her image.
· It is OK to be paranoid as a parent, it means you care; it might also be your kids saving grace in times of danger.
· The abuser is always from within, someone the family knows and trusts. It could be female abuser on your daughter/son, it could be male abuser on your daughter/son, dont count anything out, dont take anything for granted.
Life is a beautiful mess
***Dont Sweat it, Life is not random***
One of the reasons I make conscious effort not to complain about life when it deals me a bad hand is, I believe in fate, in destiny. In my mind, nothing happens in our lives randomly, life and death aren’t random in the grand scheme of things, the reason these things happen might not necessarily be to our benefit, but they had been scheduled to happen and there is nothing we can do to stop/change them, so why complain?
Covid-19 came and forced everyone indoors, in order to escape boredom and the weirdness of just being indoors, doing nothing, some of us used our devices more often than usual, our phones, our laptops and other gadgets. They made sure we could get out there virtually, while still being in the safety of our houses physically. They provided some kind of escape, an escape we seriously needed.
While some stuck to their phones and laptops, others stuck to their TVs and totally fed on the fears transmitted in the news every day.(Bad Idea).
***The Lockdown forced me out***
I was one of the many people who spent more time on their phones, practically living off social media (Twitter). I wasn’t really in a good place at the start of the year, Covid aside (I had lost my job and my side business in the space of 2 weeks, a couple of months prior to Covid), then the lockdown came and an already shitty situation was made even worse.
On one of my twitter scrolling frenzy, I stumbled upon an account (Orangebook_), one whose posts were like nothing I had seen, everything was so relatable, everything written felt like it was directed at me, this account is a goldmine. I liked and shared the post I had just seen, then I immediately went in, I explored his profile proper, and boy was I motivated? Everything he posted resonated truth and reality. Under his posts, commenting were accounts of similar niche. I had just found a new side of twitter and I wasn’t going to remain the same.
***I found how to write then I learnt how to read.***
Through this twitter account, I followed many other accounts like it, before long, I was practically receiving free knowledge on everything that pertains to personal growth and development. Through these pools of knowledge, I found direction, I found writing. A skill that could well be a survival skill, writing gave me the tool to express my deepest emotions without being judged or interrupted. I could write about my lowest moments without feeling embarrassed, I could pour out my anger and joy in equal measures and all would be well afterwards. That’s how much writing has strengthened me.
I didn’t particularly pay any mind to writing or care for it as craft, but left with nothing but questions about myself, destiny and fate, all I could do was write. I found lots of things to write about, I found love writing about lots of things.
Writing became an escape for me. I don’t know if escape is the word, but I know it became a new reality for me.
I don’t know about being a good writer, I mean I have written a lot, for money, but I wouldn’t say I was a good writer, I just did it good enough to get paid for it...the pay wasn’t great, not good even, but just enough to bring oil in my mouth and some warmth in my belly.
I started writing, this time not because I was paid and given a particular subject to write about, but because I felt like it and loved it while I did it. It has been awakening, the more I wrote, the more I wrote and the more I wrote, the more I wanted to write.
Ironically, the more I wrote, the more I want to read. Writing made me develop an interesting in reading. I found that when I am writing, there is an array of words to choose from, it is so seamless. I learnt reading does that to your mind, opens it up, broad spectrum, you start seeing things in new light...I really love the light in which I see everything now, so refreshing.
I got some book recommendations from some of these twitter accounts that I follow, and the ones that seem to pique my interest were books on personal growth and development. This made me realize that truly, I am on a path to self realization.
***Below are some of the books that have been guiding my new path***
· Getting things done – David Allen
· The Daily Stoic ( 366 Meditations on wisdom, perseverance and the art of living) – Ryan Holiday
· The Meditations – Marcus Aurelius
· The Cow in the parking lot – Leonard Scheff & Susan Edmiston
· Why way you act the way you do – Time Lahaye
· How to fail at almost everything and still win big – Scott Adams
· The Subtle art of not giving a f**k – Mark Manson
· Practicing the power of Now – Eckhart Tolle
· Train your mind, change your brain –Sharon Begley
· How to change your mind – Michael Pollan
I read extensively about some stoical ways of living, I read about meditation and intermittent fasting. Stoic philosophers believed in the power of conscious living, controlling what is within your control and ignoring what is isn’t.
I read about the benefits of both meditation and intermittent fasting and it felt like they could be more beneficial now than ever. The pandemic brought the world to its feet, forced almost everyone indoors, and forced everyone to live with themselves and in their own minds.
***The shrewdness of Stoicism***
With me new found interest and love for writing, I found reading. Reading lead me the Stoic philosophers, their teachings gave me poise and direction. In the face of adversary, I persevered, my focus became unshaken. I became a better version of me; I try to imbibe the stoical ways.
Stoicism teaches you to come to terms and empowers you to always be on guard, to always be aware. Stoicism isnt living in denial, stoicism is confronting your problems and demystifying them, making them powerless in your life
Dont get me wrong, I have not suddenly become a Zen master, far from it, I am still my same self, but I have learnt that the mind has a tendency to over-analyze situations and blow things out of proportion, over thinking, impulsive reaction is a thing for the untrained mind, thus my new found knowledge has made me aware, I know when I am about to overreact and I have learnt what I am supposed to do in such situations.
***En route a better today***
I have achieved the mental fortitude to block out distractions and focus on any task at hand at a given point in time. These distractions many times, come in the form of over thinking, regrets, procrastination, social media, TV, the news, being bothered about what people might say, judging myself too harshly. If my new self had been in the shoes of my old self at the start of the year, it would have been able to make better decisions, decisions that would have been devoid of emotions, which had precipitated the situation I was in before Covid. But now, I have re-calibrated, my life has come full circle and I am taking off in a new direction, more focused and prepared.
Remember, nothing happens randomly, everything is connected Covid wasn’t about me but it happened anyways, it forced everyone in, it forced me to spend too much time on my phone, on twitter, and on twitter I found real modern day philosophers whose teachings pushed me into writing, and ultimately reading, reading the materials of ancient stoic philosophers, I became aware and engaged in practical undertakings to make my life better, I found meditation and fasting, and then I learnt to use writing to manifest express and articulate my thoughts. I can see clearly where this path leads and it is a place much better in every aspect than the place I was at the start of the year, I am on my way to financial freedom and no, I am not talking about readcash earnings.
What a journey! Life is never random.
The Diary Of A First Time Dad
***The Anticipation***
Right from when my daughter was still a seed in her mother's womb, I had always wondered what she was going to look like. I bet this is the same with all first time parents, the wait, the anticipation and the ultimate satisfaction from their arrival.
I remember the joy that filled my heart as we were looking at the ultrasound monitor as the doctor presented what appeared to be the first picture of our baby girl. It was a weird sweet feeling that is hard to explain, I mean I was seeing my baby for the first time, I was going to be a dad for the first time and it was all very beautiful.
I just knew from then that it was going to be an eventful ride into parenthood. Everything I did from then onward was in preparation and anticipation of her coming. I treated her mum like the queen she is, I didn’t want anything happening to either of my babies.
We had picked names for her, had wished our way to what she could possibly look like, whose gene would dominate her physical attributes.
Aside from the obvious strains of pregnancy; having to carry about another human being in and within her, laying only on her side during bed times, and the accompanying cramps, my wife handled it all pretty well for a first timer. We avoided whatever the Doc said she shouldn’t eat, although we had enrolled for antenatal but we did lots of research too, watched lots of follow ups videos on YouTube, month by month.
***She Came Unannounced***
Finally, on the day of delivery, what started like a pretty normal day gave me one of my biggest scares in life and ultimately presented me with my first challenge as a new and first time dad. My baby arrived 2 weeks earlier than scan had earlier revealed, which made my wife's labor that day a lot confusing, because we weren’t expecting her just yet - our inexperience laid bare.
She was here and we had to welcome her. First time I saw a woman in labor, the craziness I witnessed cannot be written down properly. As she lay in bed waiting for the doctor to come taker her to the labor room, she angrily commanded me to massage her legs and her waist, I obliged immediately, she shouted me down, "take it easy gaddamit!" She was barking two opposing orders at every turn and reeling in pain. I was scared and worried for her. I felt the pain consuming her and there was nothing I could do, first time I heard her shout so loud. Damn!
She drew me closer and told me she couldn’t take the pain anymore and she wasn’t sure she could push the baby out naturally, said she was feeling enclosed, like she was being choked. I became officially worried (CS was never in our plans). I called her sister immediately, told her what was happening, she asked if the doctor had checked her, I answered in the affirmative. The doctor had checked her minutes before and said everything was ok and she was good to go.
I guess she was just scared, her sister concurred too and assured me all was going to be well. I needed that assurance, although I had already gotten it from the professionals, I needed to hear it from family.
Few moments later, she was helped into the labor room by the nurses, now the pushing starts for her and the pacing and worrying started for me in the hallway. I was pacing like a mad man as my wife's voice was blaring in the dead of the night, she was lamenting, mouthing off lots of gibberish and my heart was racing, she was in a great deal of pain and it was torturous to me outside...
***My Joy Was Complete***
Not long now, her voice lowered a bit and a tiny baby voice pierced through the relative silence; she was here finally.
I rushed into the labor room, dashed straight towards my wife, first point of call was making sure she was okay, and a huge sense of relief swept through me, they were both OK, both my girls were fine and nothing else mattered in the world, excitement slowly crept in when it dawned on me that the 9 months worth workload had finally being eased off and it ended in lots of joy and laughter.
It was dawn, new day, I had a chance now to gaze into my daughter's face and see what she really looked like. She was small and beautiful and the first picture I shot her with my phone, she wore a smile, she was just barely a day old and she was already smiling for daddy. Hahaha..
The doc said wify and our new baby were strong enough to be discharged, so we paid our bills and he cut us loose and my journey into parenthood began.
We had planned on 6 months exclusive breastfeeding, we had been regaled on the many benefits of it on the child's immune system, so we went ahead with it...Although breast milk didn’t flow immediately but we got suggestions on foods and drinks that would help, I provided them, wify took them and voila..
Since we were pretty much inexperienced in all things 'newborn' my mum was there to lend a hand. She bathed and groomed my daughter, while I bathed wify and massaged her tummy with hot water (gotta send that pregnancy tummy back in). At nights, I watched and gave moral support as wify pacified her. The night times were the toughest, we hardly slept, when we did, the intervals were hardly longer than 2 hours at a time. Our routine around the house changed, everything was different now and I kinda lost some weight during this period, matter of fact, I fell ill shortly after my daughter's birth, must be a new daddy thing. LOL
During the first 3 months, my baby was doing alright, bar the occasional pains and wincing that comes from her yet to fall off umbilical cord (we were told that she'd stop experiencing the stomach pains once the umbilical cord falls off, and it was right on the money).
***Food & Hyperactivity***
I had always assumed that all infants within the ages of 1-5 months were usually dormant and slept a lot, but my baby kicked that assumption to the curb. She was hyperactive, hardly slept during the day, when she did, 1 hr tops, she was awake all the time. She seemed to loved been held, she doesn’t like staying on her own on the bed, once she is awake, she’d cry till you pick her up and you dare not sit with her on your body, she needs you to stand while carrying her (Boss Lady).
This was really challenging, when is her mum supposed to get the rest she needs? Remember in the night, it’s basically night shifts - no sleeping. We thought it might be food, you know overfeeding makes people lousy and make them sleep a lot, but my baby wasn’t ever overfed, because its breast milk, she always suckled enough to keep her awake and agile. My mum and other old heads suggested we introduced some heavy meals to her diet and cut short the 6 months exclusive we had planned for her. It took a lot of thinking but we finally gave it a try.
We started with some cereals and other baby food, but just like breast milk, she ate just enough, she never overfed, thus she was never out, always at alert and hyper. Realizing it might just be in her nature, we gave up trying to knock her out with food (LOL) and just tried to figure out a ways to deal with her hyper.
SpongeBob came in handy. We noticed she loved cartoons, especially SpongeBob and she wouldn’t eat unless there was some kind of cartoon sound playing in the background. LOL.
At 4 months, my baby had started crawling and teething, I kinda missed how she'd smile at me with nothing but just her gum, now she has two sets of teeth and her smile looked a lot different. The teething made her poo often and it wasn’t pleasant at all, but she didn’t linger in that level for long...she flew past it and arrived at the standing stage. She was a pro at standing on our bed but she had a tough time standing on the hard surface of the floor, she was scared of the floor. LOL. Very funny.
***Weaning Little Miss Sunshine***
I had run into a family friend of ours, she gave birth 2 weeks after my wife did and she told me she had just weaned her baby, at a year and one month, and my baby was roughly a year and two months at the time. I went home and broke the news to my wife, told her we had to wean her so she could finally enjoy some good night sleep (Kiddo was sucking more at night now, that’s the only way she would sleep). Well, we tried it out that night and it was war, she cried so loud, that we answered some very annoying questions from neighbors the next day. The cries didn’t help her case, we had made up our minds, she was grown now, her incisors basking in their glory. It took about 7 days of night crying for her to forget about suckling, but we substituted it with night meal...anyone of her many diets was okay.
***Lockdown Memories***
Right now, little miss sunshine is 1 year and 3 months, she is walking and kinda running now, says dada, runs little errands like 'give it to mama' 'give it to dada'. She understands simple things...'give it to mumy/dada' inclusive, she understands 'clap for yourself' and 'bye bye', she even knows how to load the nursery rhymes app on our tab (She thinks the tab is hers).
It has been a roller-coaster but it has been mostly fun and one thing the Covid lock-down afforded me, was time to create memories for her. I want to give her one of the best gifts she could get as an adult. I am currently making video and picture compilations of her. I snap or video her at least once every week and upload them in the cloud.
I also have a dedicated journal of her for her...I write down her everyday life, important stuff, funny stuff. I document her growth in writing, pictures and videos and I make sure I include dates and sometimes time stamps.
For potential first time dads/moms out there, imagine handing your daughter a journal of herself from 3 month old to 10 years old, a compilation of her infancy in pictures and videos for her 18th birthday.
How much would you pay to see a 10 year period of your life from Year 1 to 10?
Accidental Atheist.
***As It Was In The Beginning***
I was born into a family that believed in God, I wouldn’t say a true Christian family because my parents never went to church, as far as I can remember. I mean, yeah, they were wedded in the church but I think that’s about it.
My dad was a police officer, he was just all about work and his family - nuclear and extended. My mum ran a restaurant, a well known brand at the time and was always at the restaurant. None of them was actually about religion. We never prayed together as a family, I never remembered us eating together as a family at any point in time so there was no saying 'the grace' over dinner or anything like that.
Somehow, we their offerings found religion; we were all Catholic faithful, belonged to one group or the other. Altar boys, the choir, Mary league etc. Our parents neither objected nor nudged.
Now, thinking back to my childhood, I think our involvement with the church was solely down to outside influence, peer pressure. In my local community, being in the Bloc Rosary, going to Catechism was a big deal and every kid on the block wanted be a part of that and I and my siblings weren’t any different.
When I realized at age 16 that I hadn’t been baptized ( The Catholics usually carry out infant baptism) I was livid with my parents, I thought they hated me because they weren’t bothered to get me baptized as an infant and they didn’t tell me as I was growing up ( I kind of found out by myself). I thought to myself, do these people even love me? Do they want me to die and go to hell? What the hell were they thinking?
The catholic teaches about the original sin and being baptized is the only way to be salvaged from it, the non-negotiable way to avoid eternal condemnation in the lake of fire (Hell). I was to later understand what indoctrination meant and how it had done a number on me.
After I realized that I hadn’t been baptized as an infant, getting baptized became my one and only life goal. Adult baptism in the Catholic church was a bit different from the infant baptism, in that, unlike the infant baptism, you can’t just waltz into the church and arrange baptism for yourself ( kind of odd, don’t they want to save my soul as quickly as possible?). You would have to go through a catechism class first, if you pass, you get baptized, if you don’t pass, you keep trying; much like passing an SAT test before you get into college.
Now you can understand my worry when I found out that as a Catholic faithful, I hadn’t been baptized. I had to look for a way to get it done and I had to be fast about it, time is running out.
Time was actually running out, I don’t mean that I was terminally ill and dying or anything, I had to get baptized before hitting certain age, because there was some sort of shame attached to adult baptism in the Catholic Church, and I was fast approaching that age. I mean I was fully in my teens and very aware.
*Note that my view of the catholic as is in my write up isn’t a worldwide view of the institution, but rather the view of the institution in my immediate environment, I am talking about the institution in my own locality. Your immediate environment is your world, so are my realities and thus my views.*
Anyways, I was on a mission to get baptized and I had fear and shame as my ultimate motivators. I tried for almost two years, and finally I got my wish, I was baptized. I had been absolved of my original sin, I was redeemed. I even received my first communion right after.
I was a bonafide catholic now, I was worthy and I was an ardent follower of the teachings of the catholic doctrine. I prayed the rosary, I believed in the Virgin Mary, I believed in confession, penance, forgiveness and absolution of sins, I believed in the Holy Trinity, I didn’t eat meat on Ash Wednesdays and Good Fridays, I mean the whole nine yards. I did all these things as a proud, worthy catholic. I saw other Christian denominations and their practices from the spectacles of the Catholic Church - the one true church, the beacon of Christianity - to me, the Catholic Church was on the highest pedestal (they still kind of are, being the largest Christian denomination in the world, but obviously not in the context I am talking.)
As I was going about my life quietly, building my spiritual life and believing life after death - heaven, hell and purgatory, I never for once paused to ponder, since the catholic doctrine teaches that the catholic ways are the only way to eternal redemption, I mean following through the whole course of the doctrine, what then happens to my friends who are protestants, when he dies, does he too share in this redemption? What happens to my friends Aminu and Aisha, who have been brought up by their Muslim parents in the ways of Islam? This thought just never crossed my mind; all I knew was that as long as I was doing my best to practice the catholic doctrine, I was safe, here on earth and the afterlife. I mean if we are going to spend eternity either in agony or pleasure for our conducts here on earth, then thinking this thought should be a big deal, because damn, eternity is a long ass time.
***Don’t Unsettle The Waters***
It was as though I was living in a bubble, I never for once during these my active 'Christian' period encountered anything that thoroughly questioned my faith in the catholic doctrine, the Christian doctrine and religion and the whole idea of afterlife in general. Or maybe I was actively avoiding them altogether, because I remember overhearing some of my friends talking about a how reading a certain Da Vinci book would shake your belief and leave you questioning everything you ever thought was true about the Catholic church. (I later realized they were talking about Dan Brown's Da Vinci Code). I was curious about this book, I wished to know the truth that it contained, but I was scared of unraveling anything that would mess up my belief system (Man had to believe in something you know) I loved the much I knew about the Church and didn’t need anything taking that away from me. So, I never got to read Dan Brown's big book of secrets but there was no running away from what has been destined. Right?
***Pulling the Scales off My Eyes***
The cat was ultimately thrown amongst the pigeons when I moved cities. I was a budding adult; it was time to be on my own, taking the natural course of life.
Now, I was by myself in a new city, away from family and friends, away from where my beliefs had been formed and bred but still with them regardless, but the influence of the environment was something I no longer had and in order to acclimatize, new friends had to be made, new thoughts had to be entertained and my beliefs either built upon or new ones forged altogether. This was a possibility I was now open to.
I got into a bit of a tale tell with a new acquaintance in this new city, he was a free thinker, an unbeliever (Never knew what free thinking meant at the time). We got into it, both of us trying to lead the other onto the path of 'truth', we'd mock and tease each other's belief and each person would express awe at how ridiculous the other person's practices were. It was all friendly bantering, nothing serious. We'd joke around and still stand firm on our beliefs or disbelief, as the case may be.
But, during one of our friendly bantering, he struck a chord in me, he aroused curiosity, questions...his words forced me to go home and think, and yeah, I thought very long...
He asked me something, he said...'In your religion and your church's doctrine, the Muslims are unbelievers on the wrong path and by default were bound for hell right?
I said yes, answering reluctantly, wondering where he might be going with that question.
Then he asked again, your doctrine believes in confession, penance, forgiveness and absolution of sin right?
I said yes again, now a bit confused and worried, he was going to get me on this one, I saw the look of mischief and cleverness in his face.
He said okay, picture this scenario...Imagine a couple of young wild church kids accosted a helpless Muslim girl in a dark lonely path, took turns and raped her. It turns out that the victim recognized one of the perps and in trying to conceal what they had done, they decided to kill this girl. They had killed a human, in all ramifications, it was wrong, but there was hope for them, there was hope for forgiveness and absolution, if only they would confess to a priest, their sins would be washed away and if they were to die immediately after confession, they'd make heaven, while this young helpless unbeliever they had raped and killed, who had died as an unbeliever was destined for hell. Damn! (Such a dark yet efficient picture) I was dumb and numb, I couldn’t muster anything. I was defeated, totally deflated, and that was the genesis of my confusion, of my clarity, my objectivity in thinking.
What followed from there was onslaught of questions, this fella had breached my defense and I couldn’t stop letting in goals...I started asking myself all kinds of questions, but how the hell could I answer those kind of questions?
***21 Questions***
All of a sudden, I found myself asking questions I wouldn’t dare ask when I hadn’t been breached. Is there really a God? Why are there so many denominations in the Christendom, whose teachings are the right ones? What happens to Muslims after death? What happens to Buddhists? People of other religions, what have they been taught about the one true religion? What do they think of life after death? Do prayers work? Or are they there just to give some sort of hope and feeling of positivity to the hopeless.
Can prayers change the course of destiny? If God loves me the way I have been taught to believe, then why would he put me to so much tests, just to prove that I was worthy of spending eternity with him. Why would he condemn his children to perpetual torture and suffering in the lake of fire because they fell short of his demands? Isn’t that cruel and wicked?
Why does God allow bad things to happen? Why do innocent infant children die (some horribly) all over the world?
WHY?
Ultimately I concluded that every religious denomination had one flaw or the other, including my darling catholic church and there was no way I could sit in church and listen to the priests sincerely with doubts in my gut. I backslid, I went to church only on invitation and never of my own accord.
I developed a new philosophy; I said to myself, if heaven existed and was a reward for living good and upright, then I can live good and upright without being a member of any church, or practicing any particular doctrine. I can be good on my own and I am sure God can understand - if he existed.
I believe something controls the affairs of man, but is it the Christian God? Is it the Muslim Allah? Is it YHWH? I can’t say, but would you honestly believe in one doctrine and think others must be mistaken and yours isn’t?
Life is a mystery, only that much is the absolute truth.
I fell in love with a Sociopath (Pt.1)
***The Hunter On My Prowl***
I was on my regular early morning run, headphones on, music banging. On my heels was a very beautiful lady who from her warm smile, seems to have been tagging along, oblivious to me. She waved at me, and I returned the gesture and continued on my bounce.
She is beautiful alright, but I hadn’t the slightest interest in any intimate stuff, I was in a good place at the point in my life and didn’t need complications, so I was wary of starting whatever I was not interested in finishing, reason I said hi and bye in an instant.
You might ask why I assumed she had any sort of interest in me other than her just being a nice person. Well, because girls seem to catch feelings at my slightest niceness. I don’t mean to be conceited, but I am a very handsome young man, well built from head to feet. At least I have received enough complements on my looks to think there might be some truth in these flatteries. An admirer has gone as far as referring to me as Adonis. Wow! There might be something there after all, don’t you think? She definitely thought so, yeah she told me so herself. You get where I am going with this? LOL
Anyway, I was still on my run and sweating it out, while this damsel was tagging along, she might have thought I was encouraging her to keep up because I was beginning to slow down a bit, but that was just me tiring out, nothing more.
Now at the end of my last lap, I was done, tired, out of breath and was just about to start walking home, and there she was again, miss mystery damsel. She walked up to me and introduced herself, asked if I was new in the neighborhood (no, I had lived there for more than 17 years) because she was sure she hadn’t seen anything like me around. Said I looked like military (I found out later that she had a thing for men in Uniform). Now she was actively flirting with me and it was weird and very uncomfortable, because she kept smiling and frowning, acting nervous and composed at same time, much like Johnny Depp in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Right away, I smelled trouble, In fact I didn’t just smell it, I felt it because it was standing right there, in front of me. Well, we got into a ‘this and that’ kind of conversation, most of which she started and exploited, because right there on a whim, she already had some kind of plans up her sleeve.
She asked me all kinds of personal questions, I answered the ones I found comfortable enough to, and just smiled the rest off. I was getting impatient and itchy now, I don’t need this sweat drying up on me, and this conversation isn’t going anywhere...I told myself that, I thought I was sure of that.
She sensed my reluctance to continue the chitchat but she needed it to continue again somehow, so she asked if I had books she could come borrow. LOL. That’s like one of the oldest tricks in the wooing books, I told her I don’t really read that much, so no. Besides, who said I was going to tell you where I live? Right? Right guys? LOL...
She wasn’t going to give up that easy, because she asked for my number immediately, so she could hit me up later...Ahhh! Quit already! Well, I couldn’t say no, I would have looked like a wuss. What would I have said? "ohm, I don’t give my numbers to strangers". In hindsight, yeah that would have been the best response. With that response, there and then, I would have probably averted the worst calamity of my adult life...
The undying flaw in the psyche of a man, even in the face of disagreeable situation, with a total stranger not to say the least, I still had to prove that I wasn’t a wuss. Now where the hell did that get me? What a wuss.
Oh my heart, my very fragile, delicate heart...
Anyway, I gave her a number, it was my phone number alright, but you wouldn’t call me and get me on it, you could only reach me on it through whatsapp and that was deliberate...for situations like this.
I couldn’t tell you how happy I was when we finally said our "bye and have a nice day". Dont get me wrong, she was very beautiful, bold and she was obviously a fitness enthusiast. All the kind of things I liked and would have naturally jumped at, but I just had bad vibes about her, something felt wrong and I was sure it wasn't me, and now many years later, I am certain it wasn't me...
I got home, worked out some more, and then hit the shower. In the shower, for a brief moment, I thought about my encounter with miss mysterious damsel, I still felt bad vibes, and I shrugged her off like, damn what a weird human, what a weird start of the day.
My life went on as peacefully as it had, nothing weird and no baloney, LOL. Just like Judge Judy, I don’t like baloney too.
***The Home Coming***
I was holed up indoors, whiling away, doing things people do indoors when I heard a knock on my door, I opened up and it was it was 'The Masquerade', my 10 year old buddy next door, he said someone wanted to see me, I said who, he said he doesn’t know...well, before I could even think who the hell that might be, there she was, smiling at me...again.
Oh no, she had tracked me to my house. How the hell did she know where I lived? She was relentless and I was officially worried.
Ladies and gents, that moment was when the relative peace I enjoyed in my quiet single life started making way for drama, chaos and emotional roller-coaster.
She wanted me, literally wanted me and she was blunt about it. I closed the door behind me and walked to her direction, obviously not wanting her to follow me into my apartment; I’d rather we talked outside. I asked how she knew where I lived; she smiled and said she was just lucky. Well yeah, aside being a stalking weirdo.
We got talking, there seemed to be something to talk about with her since she was obviously on a mission, so she came prepared. She said I was beautiful (her word, not mine) and how she couldn’t believe someone like me was in the neighborhood and she was just seeing me for the first time. She was getting into my head and I let her, she was feeding me baloney and it tasted good, I guess high praises and complements would do that to anyone.
In my innocence I thought I was just a good looking bloke, attracting the ladies, but the mistake I made was thinking she was just that - the ladies.
Nope, her actions weren’t just random acts of a thirsty girl, she was cold and calculative. It was ingrained in her psyche, a sociopath doing what psychological predators do. Plan, strategize and execute. How could she be that manipulative, she was just 23 and I was 5 years older, yet she played me like a ping pong. LOL.
***The New Dawn, The False Dawn.***
Miss mysterious damsel was now in my space, in my life. She knows where I live now and every now and then would pay an impromptu visit. In fact, make that every day; she made sure she saw me every day. If I don’t reply her whatsapp message, she would either run into me "coincidentally" or she comes knocking on my door. (I told you she was relentless).
By this time, I had started letting my guard down, I had started warming up to her, she was very beautiful and her smile, irresistible. She bore a more calm and lovable demeanor in our subsequent run-ins compared to the first day where she almost freaked me out.
She told me she saw stars in my eyes and she would love to f**k me. What? Where the hell did that come from?
Have you ever met a girl that blunt and direct? She really threw me off balance with her directness, and I didn’t know when I started blushing, smiling sheepishly. She had me where she wanted me, my willpower was getting weaker at each encounter with her, she had infiltrated my consciousness, I was fully aware of her now and there was nothing else I could do about it. I could no longer shrug the thought of her off.
Anyway, I managed to wipe that shameful smile off my face, you know, show some dignity and self respect. I told her she was impolite and presumptuous (I don’t think I really meant those things). Well, she didn’t apologize because she saw nothing wrong in telling me how and what she really felt about me. I thanked her for the complement (sort of) but respectfully turned down her request (that stand really didn’t last long).
I recently stumbled upon a book titled Psychopath Free by Jackson Mackenzie, and when I skimmed through the first few pages, I felt like the author was narrating my own personal experience, it was surreal. I began to reminisce on my encounter with miss pretty damsel, how it started, how it went and how it ended, and it dawned on me that what I have written here so far was just the first phase of a usually 3 phased plan of the predatory socio/psychopaths on their unsuspecting victims - Idealize, devalue and discard.
Now she was actively involved in my life, being beautiful, being helpful, and being wonderful and before long, she was literally the center of my existence and I longed for her, I was in love with her, I was madly in love with her and it was fast. She was different from any girl I had encountered, she was unique but I didn’t know that that wasn’t always a good thing. I fell in love with her uniqueness, her odd self, her spontaneity, her coldness...I had fallen in love with a cold-hearted sociopath and that was just the beginning...
...To be continued
Calming the storm with meditation
Sometimes, life gets at you in more ways than one, and in your state of confused helplessness you flounder, lose your sense of purpose and slip into depression. I don't need that feeling anywhere around me because it is usually tricky getting away from it when you allow it build a nest and settle in.
Many times, my emotions have gotten the best of me and I become an absolute train-wreck, but I am usually aware, aware that that is not who I am, aware of what would happen if I don't check it. I never live in denial.
I have a family to take care of, people looking up to me; I need to have peace within me so I can project hope and strength to them at least.
It is understandably difficult to keep a straight face when facing a storm but calmness is what I need the most, calmness and the direction that it brings. At the peak of my emotions and angst, I lose all focus. I lose focus on where I was, where I am and where I am going. It might be safe to say at these times I feel like I had no focus to begin with. I feel like an explorer without a compass. Even an explorer who is on a personal mission would see "no compass" as a fun adventure. Me, I have no such luxury, I have a family and they need me to provide compass but sadly, I seem to be lost in the wilderness.
I started using small doses of marijuana to calm my nerves and to keep those sad, depressing feelings at bay. Marijuana does what it does, makes you feel good and makes you forget to worry, but when the effects wear off, reality comes knocking. Marijuana is a beautiful herb when used right and for the right reasons but so far for me, it isn't a permanent fix, it only gives me temporary leave from my worries.
I am not a lover of smoking (whatever), so I don't intend smoking every day, because I obviously cannot smoke my worries away that was why I started researching on meditation and its many benefits. I needed a permanent calmness, the strength and discipline to face storms and not lose focus; I need my compass strapped firm, no matter the weather.
Meditation is like de-fragmenting your computer hard drive. It gives you focus, clarity and speed of thought.
Meditation was the only thing that could help, besides money obviously. LOL But since meditation is free and within my reach but money isn't, at the moment anyway, guess which one I was likely to settle for...I read that meditation would give me the calmness and discipline I need in my everyday life, money or no. So I read up on how to start, the beginner's stuff...what to do at first and what not to do, how many minutes to meditate as a beginner and all that, basically a beginner's guide...So here are my meditation experience by the days and what and how I felt afterwards.
Hold on, before I jump right into it, here are some of the instructions I got on the internet that guided my meditation sessions, because to get the best from meditation, you have to get into a routine mode, that's what I learnt in my research, so...
*You have to choose a particular time of the day to meditate.
*You have to have a particular spot where you meditate.
*You do not necessarily have to sit on the floor with your legs crossed. You can sit in your comfy couch or lay down on your bed. But best to sit so you don't sleep off in your lying position because that is bound to happen.
*You have to close your eyes and focus on your breath. When you stray into oblivion while meditating, refocus back onto your breath, that's a cycle you are going to get used to and it is absolutely normal.
*I read that beginners should aim for 10-15mins tops when starting out. You can go for more minutes or hours even when you start getting really good at it.
***MEDITATION: DAY 1***
I found a spot in which I can sit in for a long period of time without discomfort; it's on the plastic chair of my study table. It is very comfortable and it has now become my meditation spot. Such a multi-purpose beauty.
I closed my eyes at exactly 5:58 am and opened them at exactly 6:12am. That is 14 minutes of stillness, and it was such a wandering ride. My mind went to all kinds of places, my childhood, my adolescence, my University days, my happy moments, my angry moments...all kinds of places.
The places it usually stuck the longest were my sad and angry moments. Like there was unfinished business there my mind was trying to unravel or understand. The longer I stayed in these sad and angry memories, the lesser I was angry about them. I mean it felt like those moments didn't matter at all like I shouldn't have been angry or sad about them. I got some kind of closure with those memories, some kind of healing.
The mind is a powerful machine and needs to stay organized to be at its best. We are literally what goes on in our heads. A total stranger could look at your face and see peace and perfection but deep within your mind, could be a monster capable of untold monstrosity.
After my first session, I felt a few things:
• I felt a big relief and satisfaction like I had finally paid that debt that keeps me up at night or finally got that job that would set me up for a better life. A big sense of relief swept over me.
• I felt one with myself and at peace with my surroundings. I felt rich and powerful, like a man of means. I felt birth and death and nothing else matters. Titles didn't matter; neither did money, affluence, anger, jealousy, hatred, societal pressure etc. I felt naked and saw every other thing naked. No measuring of dicks. Lol
• I felt fearless and unhinged. As a matter of fact, I reached out to a couple of acquaintances of mine whom I have been avoiding for one reason or the other. Reached out, said my peace and made peace, and that was it. It felt good to be unrestricted by emotions
• I felt happier and I was less reactionary to external stimuli. Inner peace. Lol
• I felt less angry. Now, I don't know if it is bottled up emotions that have to do with why I started meditating in the first place or it's something that has always been there.
This little confusion boils down to the fact that I am an introverted personality, never loud and love keeping things to myself. Maybe I have just kept too much to myself that my mind deviced a way of expending the excess energy. Short fuse.
These and some other feelings I dont really know how to describe in words, are some of the emotions I felt after my first meditation. The way I put them in words are as simple as I could go, to really explain the feelings I was feeling.
***MEDITATION: DAY 2***
I closed my eyes at 5:57am and opened them up at exactly 6:12am, that is 15 minutes of stillness.
After my first day of meditation, it was obviously an adventure into a new terrain, which explains all the different things I felt. It was like eating a super tasty meal for the first time, it kinda unlocks all kinds of new areas in your taste bud all at once. LOL
I experienced some emotions I never thought was possible without any kind of stimulating substance. It was all me, my mind, and a simple action of sitting still and breathing with my eyes closed.
After meditating today, I didn't feel any type of way or maybe not the way I felt the first day. But I can feel a continuous calmness within me, it carried on from the first day.
I am being cautious so as not to embellish exactly how I feel so it doesn't look like mediating for two days has suddenly unlocked some superhuman consciousness within me, but I hope it does, in the long run. LOL. Isn't that the idea?
Well, I continue to feel the calm, thats the feeling that stood out for me today. Calmness in the way I process information and respond, calmness in the way I converse. At least I can say I was less confrontational today, less argumentative. LOL. I usually don't let misinformation pass unscathed. I am learning to use my time on things that are of actual benefit to me.
I don't know if this calmness is my inner self playing a role since the whole meditation thing started or if it's the meditation actually having its effect. Both way, meditation comes into the discussion and that is all that matters for now. I hope that calmness and inner peace have come to stay. Such a great feeling.
***MEDITATION: DAY 3***
I usually don't go into a session with anything in mind. That is, I don't go in, focused on any one thing; I just go in blank and usually come out with gains. I figured, it is best to go in not expecting anything and come out either pleasantly surprised or not disappointed.
During my session today, while my mind was wondering, I breezed past some of the negative memories I visited during my first session without stopping to see what else I can make out of them. I think this wasn't down to avoidance of more confrontation with those memories, but because I have made peace with them and they no longer have any kind of power over me. Progress!
I wandered off memories and into some kind of consciousness/reality I haven't lived yet. Ideas. I wondered from one idea to another, doors were opening up in my mind's eye. From ideas about a journal I am writing for my 1 year old daughter, to ideas on how to document my daily routines and check for patterns.
I guess what I am trying to say is, there is more clarity to my thoughts, things that were usually stuffed and cluttered in my mind, now stand as single items all on their own, easy to identify.
***MEDITATION: DAY 4***
I smoked pot last night before I went to bed and I can't emphasize enough how much it messed up the progress I had made with the first few days of my practice, in terms of clarity of the mind.
When I closed my eyes to meditate, it was a mess. It was so noisy, uncoordinated, random and a total mess. There was no orderliness to my mind; it became worse than it was before I started meditating. Wow. Now I really don't know how to feel about using marijuana. You know it can give you that moment of magic, an epiphany when you're in a right frame of mind. But with the progress I have seen, practicing stillness of the mind, I don't know what the place of marijuana would be in my life going forward. LOL. I still like the feeling of euphoria it gives, I guess that's what I would miss the most of I were to stop using it. Fingers crossed.
Another weird thing that happened the morning after my pot session is, I woke up in a sour mood. I felt empty and grumpy, I felt depressed. Now that was weird and I definitely did not like it at all. Maybe I will have to stay away from any stimulant till I am done with my journey of meditation. I need to understand what is and what is not, can't be listening to two strong voices.
***MEDITATION: DAY 5***
I decided not meditate today; I needed to make sure I wasn't doing it too much - I don't know if that makes sense. As a beginner, I thought it wise not to burn myself out. I am sure catching a break every now and then would help me really understand what and how much progress I have made, if at all I made any. So today was rest day... quite ironical, because meditation itself is supposed to bring a restful feeling.
...to be continued.
I am new here
My name is Morning_Star, I stumbled upon this platform in my quest for essence; life's essence that is.
I am not much of a talker, more of a thinker. Yes, I am sure everybody thinks, but some people consciously put their minds to work, trying to make sense of things; life, death, happiness, sorrow. Things that make us laugh and those that make us sad, those we have control over and those we don't.
My outlook to life warmed me up towards stoical philosophers, and when I am not writing, I am reading materials by Aurelius, Seneca, Epictetus etc. I love to fill my guts with stoic wisdom. In my quiet times, I love to practice calmness of the mind with meditation.
I love to write. I find that writing helps me put things in perspective, helps me express emotions exactly the way I thought them up. Writing gives me the platform to paint the world as it plays out in my mind. I love writing about life experiences, motivations, philosophy, personal growth & development etc.
Rap music is where I go to for comfort. I have a laid back, easy going personality but hardcore rap is my favorite music genre. I love the 90's era of rap more, undiluted and true, I cant say the same for contemporary rap.
Sometimes, I am a full-time bodybuilder and gym instructor, other times I am part-time those things and full-time other things.
So, in simpler terms, I am a curious introverted fella who loves to write, workout and listen to rap music. I am here now and I hope to collect, as I sojourn here towards my quest for essence.
The Voyage
Why am I here?
What is the big idea?
Who is responsible for my being?
Do they care at all about my fate, my feelings?
I ought to have a say if I want to be here or not?
What's the point to these many unending questions?
How many comfortable, rich or affluent people ask these above questions?
Looks to me like I am stuck in a circus cycle and my duty as a parent would be to make sure my offsprings too don't ask these ridiculous unending questions, at least not from the angle that warranted mine.
My frustrations boil down to a turbulent, roller-coaster relationship with the most powerful lady in the world. Her name is MONEY($£€¥). I have given her my all, yet her love eludes me. I have taken her on breakfast dates, lunch dates and dinner dates. I have treated her as a gentleman, as well as a bad boy, yet each strategy failed and she has refused to be mine.
Money gives you unlimited access, money gives you comfort, money makes sure you are treated with respect.
I have not been lucky with money, I know I have really tried, I am not patting my self on the back obviously because there hasn't been anything to show for "trying". But, would I be ranting if it were different? If I and money had been in an agreeable relationship? if I had all that access, all that comfort? Well, probably not.
Then again it is really hard to be sure if my unending quarrel with money is the reason I am such a deep thinker or this is just the way I was made.
LACKING makes you see things differently, puts things into perspective. What's important and what's not, it drives home the real meaning of IMPORTANCE. Water, food, electricity, serenity, health. Would I have been this observant, this mindful if I had it good? Uhm...that's not the point.
It's easy for some life's many mysteries to fly past you when money is in love with you. You dont give too much thoughts to fate, destiny, life after death, the meaning of life etc. Those thoughts are reserved for the poor and philosophers.
My frustrations may have been born from LACKING but the answers to the many questions they have made me ask, to my annoyance cannot be answered in this realm of human consciousness, maybe they weren't supposed to be asked because there are no answers. Whose idea is this and what is the significance of unequal distribution of good fortune? Why do some people live and die poor while others live and die rich?
Why do we live at all? What is the grand idea?
@Morning_Star
