Wind Voice Wins

6 29

Written by

JustMaryel

Let my fingers explore.

2 years ago

Topics: Random thoughts, Challenges, Depression, Anxiety

Rule your mind or it will rule you.

-Horace

He started to speak again and happened again and again countless times to convince me to follow him. Weak voice turns into a loud and clear calling "come and everything will be okay" and encourages me to obey. I let him rule me again hoping everything will be okay. I let him to put confidence in me. I let him dictate what should I do. To the point, I let him took my life. Seconds by seconds I feel numbed and let the red thicker blood flow like there's no tomorrow. It is a fault to let him rule me, just to end the unbearable pain? Definitely yes, co'z you don't know the reason behind it. You don't know the feeling of that calling someone you trust but choose to left you in time of need. You don't know the pain and even the reasons. You don't know the feeling of being somebody and nobody.

No one notices the scars start to re-open again. I want to stop his ruling in me but how could I fight when I couldn't find the reason to fight for it. How could I fight if from the start I already claim to be defeated. I see hope when you slowly walk at me, teared eyes co'z finally my pal back into senses. I look at him with begging and relief but why is the world so unfair? The light I saw became my dark nightmare. " I love you but I need to go", to go where I was not there.

Begging is the last thing I do. I want to beg but for the first time the ruling voice stops me from doing so. Head high turning my back and walking away from him while it slowly killed me. I am not immune to it being alone at the end of the day. Oh! I remember I will never be alone co'z the voices from weak to loud and clear are there with me all this time. Tic Tac, tic tac and tic tac that sound witness how I surrender and let him rule me.

Funny, as they think when they knew I was there in tons of suicidal attempts and thoughts. How good an artist I am to fool them with a plaster smile written on their face. Strong as they think without it was a forsaken of being belittling. Don't judge me just because my solution is not the solution you expect. Saying suicide is bad and never be a problem solution but have you ever try to fit in with my shoe? Have you ever tried to experience my experience? Have you ever tried knowing the wounded me? If not, then zip your mouth to shut up and mind your own business. I am not that foolish to commit with lame reasons.

Now, ruling my mind is not a choice co'z the enjoyment and happiness voice effect has the deadliest mind alive. I don't know when it will leave like others did but hopefully not for now. Let me taste those things I have never tasted before. Evening comes the darkest ruler. Let me do the cuts, braises and bleed in red thick blood. They smell good and lead me to sleep so deep that no one can wake me up.

Monday is no longer a lazy day. Happy to see the progress in my life slowly but surely. One step will always be the most difficult step but let the goal win. When my heart is not okay, let it rest. I don't have a heart problem if you think that way.