@Jane
Pull Me Out From This Drowning Plane, It's Taking Over Again
April 21, 2021 Bright days turned dark out of the blue when depression took over my passion and forget where it all began. It's creeping and building up over time, insidious, and inevitable. No matter how I kicked it out, it's lingering like undetachable string. For Pete's sake, I want to jump out from this drowning plane and escape from this life full of pain. Every time I smile, my mind is screwing me for hiding my true feelings. Not all who smile are okay. Not all who laugh are happy. Because behind those sweet smiles and hardest laugh, is a growing pain that will burst all of a sudden. In each day I try to be optimistic, it's only crippling me down and it's just so tough to put my head up. I tried to engage with positive people, but it just pulled out the Downer side of me. I felt envious of their happiness and it's ripping me off to pieces. Every time I try to divert my pessimist mind, it's just driving me to the perilous side. I tried to read and write positive words, I tried to listen to positive pieces, I tried to speak positive lines, but what comes into my mind and what enters my ears are the crazy things I'm trying to avoid. I felt hopeless, worthless, and thoughts of death and suicide are entering my mind. In those sleepless nights and empty days, this feeling is killing me mentally. Symptoms kept coming, can they just keep going? The aches and pains with no discernable cause, lack of motivation, and concentration, irritability increases and the Tank side of me suddenly pop out and ready to explode anytime. Seems like the air of melancholy surrounded me and it's suffocating my entire body. The agonal breathing hit me badly, and I'm desperately gasping for air. All I could do is to spunk my chest that might put me back to pieces. People always thought I'm alright because they saw me smiling. It's because it's easier to smile than to express my sad feelings. People always thought I'm positive because I always tried to compose myself in front of them. But once they turned their back, the weak side of me will take over my mind and body. No matter how I tried to be productive to divert this thought, I'll just suddenly stare blankly at a wall, tears will fall out of control. It will completely shut me down, deaf, and senseless. And at that moment, I don't exist! Will I be okay? My mind always says "Yes!" and it's okay not to be okay. No matter how I try to follow the straight path, this journey always gives me an arduous ride. No matter how I try to form a real smile, these lips always form a frown, as not all the time I can be okay. The next day I woke up I was in the red tag. Without further ado, I therefore conclude that this was just part of my pre-menstrual depression. It is as hell as the real one. Don't get me wrong! Drafted this when I was depressed and I don't want to see this in my drafts so I have to publish this. That day when I was spamming my noise feed with depressing photos. I'm really like that. Since I can't express my feelings personally, I'm expressing them virtually, through writing.
18 comments
Are you depressed because of yesterday's event?😓😓
You dis not read the last part 🤣🤣 this was drafted last week before the bull run. I was depressed that time.,
Ohh, I saw the date and in the last part I saw 'Don't get me wrong'. I thought may be you drafted it yesterday😶😶. I don't know when you were spamming in nose cash😶😶
Haha.. That was last week
ohh... hope you are doing well now? problem solved?
Yup
🙄
I highly agree with this sentence "not all who smile are okay and not all who laugh are happy" While I was reading the upper part of this artical , i was thinking jane is in depression but why! And then i come to the end part i felt eas that it is your draft post,Currently you are not in depression. I don't like to see people in depression. Because it can kill someone! It can force someone to die 🙂
Don't worry. Am not a type of person that will end my life easily l.. Although i've thought of that long time ago. But am not ready yet to die . I have actually another draft about ultimatum. I might gonna post the day after tomorrow 😅
That's almost close and a very hard situation. Kahit man din ako I experienced that too this pandemic lang. Kahirap but fortunately, na overcome ko naman. Depression is really a serious problem that needs to adress immediately or else malulunod tayo sa negativity at might end our lives. Buti na lang pre-menstrual depression lang yung sayo😅
Iniisip ko nga. Panu pa kya kung mag lihi ako .bka worse pa mafeel ko 🤣🤣 or sa post partum
Naku pakatatag ka lang. 😊Sana di naman ganun pah nglihi ka or sa post partum. Nakakatakot madepress
It's normal when our menstrual period is coming because our hormones are changing. I am emotional and irritated too when my red days are coming. Even the smallest details made me emotional.
Haha..kala ko ako lng... Pan pa kya kung mag lihi sko.. Kht post partum depression delikado rn
take care!
It's okay not to be okay dun natin navavalidate ang sarili ntin sa mga bagay2.. ang mahirap nga lng ay mahirap iopen up sa mga kapamilya or frens ntin dhil they see as a strong person. at tlgang nkakabaliw minsan ang PMS eh lalo n pag sinabayan ng dismenorya.
Ay true.. Lage ako may dysme every month. Tipong ayaw mo gumalaw sa higaan
Relate. I'm on my red days, too, and it's driving me nuts. Good thing I have some plans to do this weekend that help me divert my attention. Now, I'm more on the excitement side rather than in my usual dramatic mood. Pero mostly, ganyan na ganyan din ako.. Para kang binagsakan ng ewan. Nakaka down yung feeling.