Attacking: anxiety & depression

I am not a relaxed person. I've never been like that. I'm worried and stressed out, and I can be rather pessimistic at times. This began to deteriorate last year. I didn't realize it for a long time, but I had lost control of how stressed I was becoming. Because I was afraid, I would start crying in the taxi on the way to a party or struggle to answer the phone at work. I felt as if I was going insane; my mind was racing constantly, and I kept seeing pictures of death in my head.

Then I experienced my first SEVERE panic attack at work. Nothing had happened; I was just sitting at my computer, responding to emails, when I felt myself losing it. It seemed as if I couldn't handle anything anymore. At the time, I had no idea I was suffering a panic attack; all I remembered is feeling like I was going to die. With everyone's encouragement, I scheduled a doctor's visit as well as a counseling session. I was given many tactics and ways to manage with what was occurring to me, including mindfulness, breathing techniques, imagery, and the importance of simply ACCEPTING that you're having anxiety and that it's normal – it'll pass. It was quite useful. I had more control over the severity of my panic episodes, but it wasn't good enough for me. As a result, I became despondent. I wasn't taking care of myself either. Even if I had been sick during the week, the amount of alcohol I consumed every weekend was excessive. It was self-destructive, and it not only made me worse, but it also caused me to have more emotional and personal issues. I wasn't eating either, so I lost a lot of weight rapidly.

I started to feel isolated and unattached to everyone and everything in my life. As a response, my self-esteem and confidence plummeted. It was a terrible cycle since I couldn't stand being alone, so I said yes to everything - which generally entailed getting wasted. Furthermore, I wasn't deriving any self-worth from work because I had missed so much due to my illness. One of my most vivid recollections from that time is calling my oldest and closest friend and sobbing, "I don't feel bad." That day, I'd had my first suicide thoughts, and I was surprised to find that thinking about what it would do to my family had no influence on me. They'd have to get over it sooner or later because I can't go another day feeling like this. I believe it was the worst day of my life, but I did nothing, therefore I draw strength from it now. Returning home aided in my recovery. My mother was horrified by my frailty and made it her job to take care of me and feed me. Being surrounded by family also served as a gentle reminder of who I am and how much I am loved. We sat and watched home video from when I was a little kid, and there was a scene where my Dad was supposed to help me with a toy, and I was so unhappy with myself that I couldn't do it.

I realized at that point that I had spent the most of my life being my harshest critic. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel compelled to mock my younger self; instead, I felt sorry for her. I felt sorry for her and liked her. There isn't a single flaw in her. There is no problem with me. I felt better and was looking forward to seeing everyone again, but I took it easy on the drinks. Going back to counseling was another something I was looking forward to. I underwent 12 weeks of sessions, which completely transformed my life. I discovered things about myself that I was previously unaware of, and, more significantly, I learned to appreciate myself. Things are now in a better place. There are flaws! But I can accept and be alright with the fact that that will never happen. Every day, I write wonderful things in my gratitude diary. I am self-sufficient. My anxiety and despair are still physically present, but I simply stop - I don't force myself to do anything till I feel better. And I don't drink. I don't punish myself if I have a horrible mental health day, week, or minute. I take care of myself more. I no longer try to be all things to all people. If I'm not a flawless person, nothing awful will happen, and if someone no longer wants to be in my life, it's their loss. It's been a difficult couple of years, but I can honestly say that I'm a really happy person who occasionally suffers from anxiety and despair. ***Take care of yourself and others by being patient, compassionate, and nonjudgmental.***