@CapturieNorz

@CapturieNorz 8 March 2023

Ignore It had been almost a year since I hadn't open my account here yet, as I browse my google history, this popped up, so I decided to open it, knowing it had some changes and improvements. I rarely write something ever since I stopped thinking and ignoring everything about the world, my environment and everything. Why "ignore"?, well, its hard, having anxiety, depression and stress, makes it so traumatic, so my response was to be like a numb, ignoring everything that triggers my emotional and mental health. As I go through hard times and now healing, I learned a lot. A lot that makes me more of enjoying the essence of "SILENCE". It did helped me a lot, and stopped overthinking. Most of the time, I spent my days being quiet, just completely silent, specially if I encounter such things that triggers my emotional and mental. How did it helped? I am not that born as an introvert and now I realized how beautiful it is being like them, I mean I don't imitate them, I just learned the way how they regain strength, power of silence, and how they give time to save their energy towards anything that drains them. And as I try to compose my self in my innermost regaining strength, I don't want anybody around, I enjoy being alone, I enjoy thinking blank, ignoring everything, no phone calls, no social media for an hour, then back to reality at times after regaining back energy. This had helped me, a little bit of a pause from the very busy, toxic sometimes and hectic schedules. However, ignoring things don't make me useless, it just gives me more energy to move again. Having a pause, and resting my mind, making my self quite and enjoying that silence that shuts down for a while. Silence and ignoring how the world rotates and leaving it the way it is will make a step towards a bit of peace, why? For me, it gives me a bit of "no response to arguments, just totally quiet and act like numb, though the person who wants to finish the argument would be speaking so much things that anger can't hinder them from talking without thinking, my only response was a silent, pause, ignoring everything and just smile. Thought facemask can't expose that smile on my lips but my eyes does reveals it, leaving the person whose talking to me guilty, and I would just laugh inside my mind, making me as the winner in my mind. We'll it had been a blow, some people would expose who they are when they respond rudely to some situations, and now I know how powerful the introverts win in many ways. My psychiatrist says that let it out, talk, say something because if you will not vent it out, it will explode, but I guess I learned a different way around how to control, making it my way of anger management that no one had understood before. Now it gives me peace of mind that blows like the wind, not exploding like how others think it is as harder as it is. Honestly, before, in my anxiousness, in my depression, I make mistakes that worsen my situation causing some people to tell me I am such a negative person, but as time passes, learning that mistakes make it worse, I dropped a glass of water, with my hands trembling, my body shaking, and looking at the one whom I had destroyed infront of the mirror, it was me, I cried it out until I realized that not all needs response. Not all needs to be argued, not all need attention, not all needs effort, not everything can be manipulated and fixed, some may just be as it is. Ignoring them and removing that time, space, effort not valued, this also makes me learn of how to value myself worth.

@CapturieNorz 31 August 2021

Collections Who among you have collections? What collection did you have? And what is the best feeling in collecting things? We'll for me, I had a very bad experience during this pandemic, I experienced such traumatizing events, more of anxiety and depression. But I overcome them by prayers and some of collections I did collect since the pandemic started. It started when lock downs in different cities had been implemented, my bussiness crashed since nobody is allowed to go out, the jobs were stopped, and seems like its the end of the world for me, while more are being infected with virus and more of bad news, until I was browsing my fb account, I saw some cacti and succulents, at first I was not into them, I didn't want planting and I don't mind getting cactus and succulents, yet I was amazed of some post of cactus and succulents, surprise to know that I definitely like them all of a sudden, so I was thinking if this is because of plant craze or not. From time to time and when protocols lilow, I was able to go out to buy basic needs, but my feet seems to be itchy, that is why I went to an open orchidarium to relax myself from perplexed feelings and emotional disturbance, then I saw store of cactus and succulent collections, where in I am so amazed of their uniqueness and beauty. It was my first time to know that plants can be a collection too. This inspired me to collect plants one by one, started with common cacti and succulents, until I found myself searching for rare ones, this had helped me in recovering stage of anxiety and depression, so instead of me hanging around, browsing fb and watching bad news about pandemic and covid, I kept myself busy planting, searching about the plants I bought, knowing how to take care of them, getting busy to make my own green house until I became addicted in collecting more. One time I bought some bunch of cactus and succulents in different varieties and different sizes. As I do my propagations and planting, I am so impressed of the achievements I learned from planting specially that I watch how they grow, how they bloom flowers, etc. I also searched places where I can go and visit for me to have an idea of how to propagate more, how to care for them by talking to many farmers in our nearby area who are also propagators and farmers, who exported their collections from abroad or foreign countries and propagated them. At first I thought its not that easy to grow a cactus and succulents, but from learning tips and ideas from our local farmers I therefor conclude that it is that easy as long as you have the passion in what you do. Now I also collected ornamental plants of different varieties, and as the pandemic had eased for a while and more had been influenced with planting and collecting of plants, my collections and own propagations I had last year, became a key for new income, I sold lots of them in cheaper price than the price I bought them before because my first collection after propagating them was doubled. My depression was lessen also when watching the flowers bloom from my plants and everytime I am not feeling well, I just stay inside my little greenhouse talking to my plants like crazy, and watching them all the time. I also did my meditation and prayers for me to be fully recovered from the diagnosis I had from a psychiatrist, and amazed to know how plants and prayer had helped me. Actually its still mild unlike other cases which they needed anti depressant, this is where I bear in mind that I am a lot stronger and have a fighting spirit.