A habit of mine
Crying became a habit of mine. I cry every now and then due to frustrations, stress, and sometimes I feel hurt all of a sudden. The trigger is when I get disappointed with anyone around me, when THEY always misunderstand me, when THEY judge me without knowing the real reason behind every decision I make or with anything I do. They have the ability of always making me upset and making me feel bad. I don't know anymore. I'll just keep it from them silently together with this read.cash. Be a witness of all the misery I'm going through. You'll always see me as a happy go lucky gal but I just hope you can see the crying heart behind every smile I give. I'm not how I used to be. I don't believe it at first and i thought that maybe its just my emotion because my period is near but its not it anymore. I always feel sad whenever I'm with THEM. Not because I don't like them but because of our situation. So many trials in every year that passed. So many heart aches from all the people who always criticize us. I pity THEM!
They my have said "it's okay" but I still feel like I'm a burden. I've graduated and had a contractual job but still dependent. Sometimes they feel proud because maybe of something I did good but then realizes someday that it's actually useless. Like having a rank as a reservist. Maybe its just the way I see it but I think THEY somehow felt proud when I received it but then realized that I don't get anything from it but just benefits. What hurts more is when THEY always laugh at me when I decided to be who I want to be or like when I said I'd go train as an army. I'd like to boost my confidence but the weight of their confidence in me is so light like a feather. I easily get discouraged even though you tell me I will not listen to them if I'd get to hear them say it, I can't help but feel so down because of it.
I also decided to join with my friend as business partners but the only problem is the principal money. I tried to convince THEM to let me borrow some but they're like a shaman that predicted it already that it will not work out. We had a perfect plan but still THEY did not support me.
These are all the source of my disappointment and heartaches that caused me to develop this habit of mine. Even though it happened a year ago or years ago once I get disappointed again it will all come rushing back like a bomb and that what makes me always cry myself to sleep.
If I could turn back time!
Highschool Life
Way back in highschool, I still remember how adventurous I was. I was active in sports, joined clubs like Girl scout, a Search where in I was crowned as Miss Agham and many more. I was so confident and had a little courage in showing what God gave me as a talent which is singing and playing sports.
Someone told me that highschool is where I'll experience what they called "puppy love". I ignored it, since at that time I still don't know anything about falling in love. I was focused on my academic and on my extra curricular activities like playing table tennis. I competed for the intramurals and I was selected as one of the players for the district meet and provincial meet. I never made it to CARAA but still I enjoyed it and positively thought that it's the experience what I'm after and not the trophy.
I was so proud of myself and so are my teachers, friends, and my parents because I received my medal as an honor student.
2nd year in highschool was more exciting, it's where I get to experience to travel as far as Manila, particularly in quezon city. It was an academic tour and we had so much fan and gained more knowledge especially about our history.
During this year also was where I was crowned as Miss Agham. I was an honor student again and this time I got the gold one. There were distractions at first like jamming at night, more on playing with friends than studying but I still managed to have good grades.
3rd year came and everything went down. My grades went down, I let my parents and teachers down but had so much fun and experience, and I got to experience what I ignored way back, the "puppy love". We were text mates at first then eventually got into a relationship though everything like courting and giving my answer (yes) was through phone. I don't know what i was thinking back then why I did not insist on meeting him first but still I get to feel what they call "butterflies in the stomach".
My circle of friends expanded even more. I tried sneaking out of the house just to jam with my friends. One of my friends also insisted to try drinking liquor when she said "It's better to know it now than to be ignorant someday" but I still did not. I chose to listen to my parents that drinking will only cause problems and head ache.
My 3rd year in highschool was where I was in a rebellious stage. Ever since I realised this words "Life is short, break the rules" and a quote that I recently read about which is "It is better to look back in life and say "I can't believe I did that" than to look back and say "I wish I did that". Now, I'd say I can't believe I did that because I had so much fun and of course pain and disappointments. Love and Pain are twins. Agree? Disagree?...
I said I experienced being in pain emotionally and disappointments, and its all because of love, trust, and family problems but let's focus more on my highschool life only. About my family will be on another article.
I have a cousin who I pitied when I was in baguio and was listening to her story. I decided to persuade mom to help her finish at least high school and so she came home with us and enrolled to where I was studying. I didn't know anything about her except that she is my cousin. I didn't know about her attitude. I'd say, it was my mistake persuading mom to help her. At first she was okay but as days go by she began to show her true behavior, I even ended up in the clinic one day when I was so stressed out because of her. I cried my heart out. Why did I trust her and it was all because she's my cousin. Simple as that. She's my cousin, she's family that's why I trust her. It began when one of my friends showed me their conversations written on a piece of paper. My cousin was destroying my reputation, she's telling stories about me which is not true. I hate it even more when I showed her the papers yet she acted like it was nothing. She even stole my mom's money and other stuffs. She'd lie about things to be paid at school just so my mom will give her money. So many things about her. Now she's married, I hope she changed.
I've been trying to mend my mistakes by focusing once more and managing my time. I don't want to disappoint my parents even more.
4th year wasn't any different when I was in 3rd year, the only difference is that I'm keeping it all balanced. I need to study first, make my assignments, and projects first before going out or before peers.
It would be a long long article if I'll elaborate more of the crazy stuffs we did back then.
It's just that I missed all those times when I was so carefree and being surrounded by my friends. I wish I could go back and experience them once again but if I were given a chance I'd only like to experience the happy moments and not when I was so down. I became stronger because of those mistakes and heart breaks and there's no need to experience it again.
I miss you all guys. Hope the reunion continues so we can meet with each other again.
