@Aalia 25 November 2022 more from that month

It's been so long since the last time I visited myself, my mind, my heart, and the dreams I built over the years. It's been a while since I said 'hello' to the person that I used to be. I keep forgetting about the smiles I loved to wear. I keep forgetting about the blue sky, how it looked during the summertime. I have accidentally thrown unto my unconscious the reasons why on May afternoons I had this desire to collect different kinds of flowers, why I loved writing on a petal. Perhaps, it wasn't accidental at all, I simply intended to forget. Because no matter how I question myself, I don't know the answer. I don't remember anything. I don't remember how I ended up in this state of despair. My mind could only create a vision of nameless memories. What is happiness, and why should I be happy? I don't understand a bit of myself. I try to collect reasons, but from time to time, I merely keep becoming a failure. Ah! I only remember one thing, the fear I've been hiding in my chest to keep myself sane. I have always believed that it's scary to go to places where it absolutely hurt. So, I don't go there at all. I'm fine with it. It's not that those things that I want to remember about my past are entirely awful, those are childhood experiences where I started knowing what happiness was. But I guess it's true that the most joyful moments are the most painful ones. I'd rather throw them away to spare 'me' from further damage. So, maybe, that's why. I have gotten used to ignoring the little joys of life. And you know what? It doesn't feel good to exist without a past. To wonder about things that you will never be able to give a name to anymore. What is this person that I have just become? Who is this? Who am I? Along with those good memories, the rest of my being is totally gone. I thought the dismissal of this inner child in me would finally save me from any chaos that this world has yet to offer. I thought it did free me from pain. That's such a big no. Because what about the bad memories? Several of them are so fatal that they wounded me, and left scars in every corner of my body, and these will forever haunt me. I'd say I don't remember what those are but the feelings of helplessness and the urge to die are so familiar and they suffocate me every time. But I haven't learned how to face my past. I only learned how to run away and make excuses. How will I heal if my past is blurry when people say the first big step to healing is having the courage to think of where I've been, to recognize the emotions that have grown within? How will I begin to acknowledge myself when I don't even know how to describe how I feel? That's why there seems no end to this inner struggle. I am afraid to talk about the pain, I let them go with me laughing at myself. So when people ask me how I am, I try to brush off my emotions. I'm fine. The next second, I get frustrated because, in reality, I am not. I just don't know how to translate them into a language that's easier to understand. On one hand, if I don't talk at all, that's because I have already overlooked the anguish and all I want is to chuckle at how miserable I have become. It feels empty inside. When I can't find anything there, I seem to act so skin-deep because it's awkward for me to show my sorrow for I haven't learned how to grieve. On the other hand, if I tell anyone every detail of my grief, that's because I have finally found the courage to go beyond it.