Middle

I desire to do more for myself. Like maybe, improving the intellectual aspect. Hmm... I hope I have the basics. My physical health. My professional development. But all I want to do is sleep, eat, listen to music, indulge in whatchamacallits, and imagine imagine imagine, if not, dream dream dream.

And yeah, blogging. I also extremely love this hobby even if at times, I am lost for words.

Still, I believe that at some point in the future, I really have to get myself aligned with my desires. Because it's very important for me to attain results of those that I desire.

I want to study more and more and more. Read a lot of novels. Wash my body everyday, especially my corned and callused feet, and shine my hair and do that to my kids as well.

Though right now, I just want to sleep. I allowed myself to overcome my sleepiness and blog first instead.

I know that in the middle of the night, I will get up to play mindless games on my phone. Not the type like ML or what, just those mindless games.

Prior to writing tonight, I opened the suggested course by our University. I liked the idea of studying but I just have a lot to sort so I just watched and read the first few pages and lessons of the course then I left the site. In my mind, I will get back to it anytime tomorrow and see what it could offer me.

With all these things in my mind, with all these jumbled wants and desires and thoughts, I still get to experience some sort of depression. I bet it has something to do with my small part in the brain that is responsible for happiness? Not sure, I don't remember exactly the psychologists words about the matter. But I honestly feel sad most of the time.

What I do to be able to forget my inclination to sadness is to simply do whatever comes to mind. Except maybe sleep. I rarely wake up later than six in the morning. Ah, just this morning, I tried waking up past 8 am but I struggled doing it. But at least I woke up close to 8.

My class this morning started at 9 am. I didn't take a bath anymore. I focused on my before-the-class preparations like conditioning for the talk and opening my PowerPoint presentations.

Geez... How I wish, I could get rid of my lukewarm approach to things. And of hesitation and not being decided most of the time.

I guess, I can blame the weather for my behavior. Sometimes, I blame my husband. Or my children (bad mom), or my neighbors. That would be when I am desperate. Hehe. But as soon as I realize what I am doing, I go back to myself and scold myself.

I do self reflection quite a lot. Sometimes, I improve. Sometimes, I go worse. But then, I do my best when I can to do the best I can.

I plan to do planning. But I also need time to plan to schedule the doing of the planning. So topsy-turvy, I know. But that is how I am.

One time I was confiding to my kids' father. I told him how unhappy I feel about myself. He asked why. I told him I am too fat. He responded, that is your own doing. Why should you feel unhappy?

He suggested I go on a diet, but as soon as I saw the native delicacy being served by him, I warned him not to say anything once I started eating. I threatened him just so he wouldn't spill any undesirable words to my ears. I hate hearing sarcastic comments when I am in front of my delicious food. So he just calmly reserved his comments for another year. I know not when that will come to the open.

Ooops...

Well, I also get very sentimental. I go back to the old times where I dream a lot. When I was in the comfort of my parents' home. When I go back to those peaceful younger times, I get a sense order within myself. And I kind of use those times as assurance for myself that I can do them again this time of my life. If I was able to be a good girl before, then I can be again like that now.

Still in the middle of a lot of things. Someday, somehow, I will use the middle to oversee things after I go to each side of the balance.