I will search for what lights my darkness

I will search for what lights my darkness. I have always been a worrier. Occasionally lifted by happenstances.

It has been a fulfilling life so far. Despite the ups and downs, the difficult times, and the regrets that I tried so hard to justify.

I succumb to my desires. I become messed up. Not that I don't want to tidy up. I just go back again and again to indulging forever.

I tasted coffee once more. Then it again became a part of my life. Day after day. Coffee, coffee, coffee.

I stopped worrying so much about what could be's. Things are bound to happen anyway. It is not my place to worry about everything.

Live life. As in live. Be pleasant with life. Smile. Have hope. Think about what you have always wanted before. Even just for faking your hormones. To be happy. Be happy.

It is an inevitability to be in darkness. Even if you tell yourself not to go there. And during dark moments, I choose to search for light. Not blaming anyone even myself.

I will cry if need be. But just so I can keep my heart at ease. It is almost impossible to express everything with words.

Just this morning, I cried. But I still asked the kids if they wanted their morning hot drinks. My voice broke. My son asked his dad why I was crying. I almost laughed at him.

What's the big deal if I cry, I thought. It should be a part of life. It is an expression.

I showed them that I wasn't really crying like how I used to cry. It was just my way of easing out a bit. Though of course it certainly affects them no matter how I see it as just that.

I suppose I am taking some detour. Not wanting to do what I used to do. I hope in time I will arrive home, home to what I used to love.

And yes, this shade of gray is just a color of life. And I will always search for light.

Lately, I am experiencing a lot of changes in myself. I have become more serious than I used to. I begin to see things with more levelheadedness.

I have also learned to be more tactful. But I realized I was also becoming more rigid which isn't supposed to be. I hope in time I can balance the scale.

I can say that life is a matter of trial and error. Sometimes, we try to minimize the errors but they are the other inevitabilities of life. We can only do so much to minimize the hurt, for us and other people.

And life goes on... These days, I have many weird thoughts. And yes, dreams. Literally when I sleep. It somehow reminds me that life offers a lot...