Grieving over my foolishness

It still comes to me. That feeling of shame and anger. Toward myself for my thoughtlessness. And I grieve over my foolishness.

And when I am in a pensive mood and I feel that I have the luxury of crying over the past years, I let the tears come rushing out.

I still have not cried enough. I still have not grieved enough. I still have not let out the anguish I felt for disgracing myself.

It is still a very big deal to me. More so that people see my profession as something noble and pure. Even if I am just a mere human.

I commit mistakes. I choose the wrong decisions. I get caught up in the knots of confusion and pain. I see things sometimes with blurry eyes.

And the most painful of all, hurting my pride and my family. It is all in the past. But it left an indelible mark on my memory.

I regret what I did. But I knew if that didn't happen, it is bound to happen anyway. And if there is one thing I am rejoicing about now, I have already got past that thing that I know is bound to happen anyway.

Still, if only I was firmer and didn't allow myself to go steeper, it would have been better. So much better I could go on wearing redder lipstick and more make-up.

Though of course, I am slowly getting my make-up kit again to work wonder on my now fat face. I have to live life as it should be lived.

I have to somehow do a way to wash the ugly mark by doing my job properly and making use of myself for others.

I may at least have something to offer to others that I am needed so I have to indeed forget that horrible past and move on and smile genuinely again.

But then again, I shouldn't totally forget. There should be that reservation to fight foolishness and not go into the same abyss I was thrown into due to my stupidity.

So I need to always commemorate those horrible pasts. I need to always remember. I need to be reminded always. In doing so, I will keep putting my feet on the ground when I feel like flying high again.

I can't find any more sets of words. And I find this act healthy for my position. I have to grieve over my past mistakes in the hope of not repeating the same.

I am perpetually thanking those who gave help to me. A big help also is the tips that I have received here during the past. I am forever grateful.

When I noticed that there was a decrease in tips here by the random rewarder, I prayed that it would continue supporting writers here. But when I realized the possibility that it will be gone, I thought of maybe giving back to the community.

If I can't get income here, I'd better find better use and purpose for writing here. I wish to do the reverse this time. If I have been a big receiver during the past year, then maybe even if not equally the same, I should deem today and the coming months as payback time.

Well, I am still barely keeping up financially but even those who have nothing can give something to others.

Giving tips to whoever I deem tippable and try my best as well to make this community grow.

I have to admit though that I don't comment a lot anymore. Maybe tipping, is what I could do.

There is a possibility that I might suspend first my writing activities. I have to shape up and reconstruct my mind to produce better content. Now is not the time to continue writing. I am concerned about my writing health of course.

And yes, the new academic year has kicked in. I have to stop writing in the meantime.

So this may be the last article in a few months now or maybe the second to the last, let us see.

For now, I have to gradually give back as well as I was given.

Maybe in the future when this platform remains alive, I will again hope for an income here. But for now, if I can't have an income here, then I will try to give income.

And it is hard to promise anything so when I do have funds, I will randomly tip them to anyone who deserves such.

I will always keep in heart the help from here. Hoping I will also be able to give back.

It somehow balms my grieving heart.

I hope that past mistakes will always be a reminder to do better. To think better and to be a better human.

Shalom, everyone ❤️ ❤️ ❤️

Thanks as always Unsplash - giver of lead photo. Till next time!!!