Feeling so 'uncool'

Written on 06/06/2022 (This was written yesterday but I forgot to publish it. I was so busy 'as if doing something.')

Up until now, I still feel uncomfortable speaking up when in front of a big group of people. I wanted to just melt or disappear when asked to present or talk in front during meetings or conferences.

I am not that confident. It is like I am never going to be ready for anything like that.

I remembered the time I spoke in front of the faculty. That was around the year 2014. I felt so embarrassed afterward. I told our boss not to let me present ever again.

It was a good thing we were friends with my immediate boss. He still involved us though with other assignments, like emcee-ing, leading the prayer, and the like.

Years passed and I changed departments. But still in the same university and still the old shy me.

In today's setting, group chats (GCs) and online meetings or forums are the trends. Even so, the awkwardness is still with me. I can speak more comfortably when chatting with individuals.

I may just have to craft a way to speak that is neutral and inoffensive not to draw attention or pique my colleagues' interest.

This morning, I was chatting with a colleague. I just told her about some corrections in the quiz she shared with us.

In our faculty group, we distribute the assignment of the creation of modules together with quizzes and other activities among ourselves. After which, the assigned teacher will just share what he or she has created.

So it is just but proper that we help each other and raise corrections if there are.

Well, I can just go about without saying anything to anyone waiting for somebody to notify the group about corrections in case they were not able to review the material. But I feel it is best to do it already while students have not accessed the quiz yet.

Instead of notifying my colleagues via GC, I messaged the one in charge of the module and she was suggesting that I share my online quiz via GC.

I only sent the quiz link without saying anything more in the GC. Hehehe. I implicitly asked my colleague I was chatting with earlier to clarify what I have just sent.

Fortunately, she got the message. She has the leadership of sorts and she isn't like me who is so uncool at all. She clarified that I spotted some corrections and so I edited the quiz to make it right. And the link I sent was for the quiz.

Funny that when my turn of sharing what I made is due, I feel so awkward and I feel as if there are a lot of corrections.

Honestly, I feel so annoyed with myself. I sometimes wish I were more professional in bearing myself.

But then again, it may not be entirely my fault.

At the very least, I feel alright communicating with students. I feel more comfortable when with group chats with them than when with my peers or colleagues.

Could there be a named condition for what I am experiencing? Maybe there is. I have not yet looked into it via the internet.

Though honestly, I know a little about why I am like this.

I believe that it shouldn't be like this. Things like inferiority as well as a superiority complex are letting me down.

I should just set a professional tone. I don't understand why I am making it so hard for myself.

I see my previous acquaintances assuming positions like coordinators, principals, and the like but here I am, afraid of being assigned something like that.

I am fine with being a regular employee forever and I can just refuse something else just in case. Wahehehe. As if there will be offers anyway with this kind of repelling energy from me.

Lead image credits to Unsplash