Bumby train of thoughts, released after the departure of some thorn

And I am finally free from the thorn I have kept so long. Not because I like to keep it but because I simply can't remove it. It detached itself from me and I am now finally free.

But I have to confront myself. I don't need to show the whole world how happy I really am. They will talk behind my back and in the end I might forever be destroyed.

So I will just act casually. Keep it low and just feel the relief. What's important is I feel a lot better. I am doing some mind detoxification in order to get rid of unwanted events of memories. The fear of feeling the same when the thorn returns daunts me but there has to be a way to deal with the negative thoughts.

I ask myself what I really wanted. Right now I have my earphones, of course, at the right body part. And I am listening to some country music or I don't know if this is really country music.

I can't concentrate really on my thoughts and what I am going to write because I seem to want to do a lot of things during the night.

I told my eldest son to stay near us so he indeed got his bed and put it near our bed. I just don't like the feeling of being far away from my children when I sleep. So they are like my accessories.

"Stoney... happy all the time. Stoney... liked the summertime..."

I really can't concentrate but I hate to remove my earphones and I don't wish to turn my Spotify off.

I think I am irritating my son's ears though because he is kind of giving me a signal to type silently but I can't type silently. I am like a mad woman typing right now and I can't stop this. So apologies to him. Sleep, my son. Sleep deeply and you won't be bothered.

The other kids, they are there, sleeping as well. Sleeping quietly I say. They were satiated by the food I brought them.

Okay, here I go... I will turn my music off... No...! Not yet.

Going back, what do I really want? What am I missing? What am I taking for granted?

I have to ask this questions to put my mind in order after the mess.

Okay, finally I paused my music. Now my mind is clearer and I can think better.

What I really want is to be a writer. But in order to be one, I must be a researcher. And in order for me to succeed in researching, I must read a lot of things, and if possible, read the right materials for what I wanted to write about.

But I do not have a niche.

I like philosophy. So much! But having double standards is what is impeding me from pursuing this like of mine.

In short, I like being presented with a lot of things and I usually buy all sensible goods whether they are contradictory or not. That's just terrible.

I think, I simply lack the knowledge yet. And I need to go on researching.

But what? I don't even read. I remember writing about reading but that easily got off the schedule and I still struggle to read. That book I wanted to read in my elementary years remains unread and its end may never ever see my eyes.

In short, I am nothing but an indulgent one and though I do enough for my job and just to keep me going with my career, I feel the lack of fire in me.

I know this may just have something to do with having kids to tend for. So I hope and pray that in due time, I will really be able to do the things that I want.

You know what? I don't think I even understand and memorize what I am writing and even very lazy to go back and review my works here. I just feel it is a lot of work. I gotta do the reviewing and jotting down the key ideas of my articles but that may never happen.

Okay, so since this is what I am feeling, I may just be able to bring a better read to you in the coming days. Will it be a promise? I think, no. I will not promise, but I will do my best to bring to you these wonderful ideas popping of my brain. Not a topsy-turvy thing like this. I tell you it will be better. Why? Because the thorn is temporarily away.