Because I don't want to! (Dreaming again)

3 29
Avatar for wakeuplincs
2 years ago

"...

I definitely still am a kid. Though I understand reason and I know when I am defeated, you still can't reason with me . But I hate defeat. Acceptance is my ultimate defeat. If only I realize that accepting defeat is not ultimate defeat but one way of showing how to be a true victor.

I wish I could outgrow this childishness and be more authoritative and act on my almost 33 years of existence on earth. I wish I could go away from this annoying impostor syndrome!

Just to be sure you knew in case you haven't noticed, I am so eccentric. So I ask of you to forgive my tone if I sound so annoying. But go on reading. For what reason have I written this if not for consumption? Public consumption.

I have so many reasons to hate myself. For one thing, I do promise a lot. Then I regret making those promises. Just because I don't want to fulfill those promises. I've had enough. Looking foolish just to prove a point to undeserving audiences. So I now know better not to waste efforts to skeptics. They will just watch you burn.

When promising something to someone, you don't necessarily need to utter the word 'promise.' If you told someone you'll do something then you should do that something because you told that someone that you'll do that something. Simple as that!

But alas! You're bound to break promises! I am.

I am a person who believes what she believes in. And I can prove my point if you allow me to. But once I sense some sort of skepticism, I back out and hate another for the rest of the season. Instead of being challenged, I simply put my indifference to work and never come back. Whatever!

Months ago, I told myself to always be exact with my words. To weigh what I had to say and to release only conditional statements that are very realistic depending on my ability to give and availabilty to fulfill something.

But I again go on saying what I say and piling dust for myself that will just hinder me from moving on from one point to another.

And another reason to hate myself is my hopeless laziness. It's not hopeless by the way because I now realize I am an adult and I have to toil and be matured and be responsible enough for the career I have chosen and for my family.

But sometimes, the old me still resurfaces and I go back to asking myself why I chose the things I've chosen. Why I decided to be... You know...

I wonder forever when the time machine would bring me back to the days when options abound and I could've planned my route to life.

..."

Then I woke up with the above rambling in my head. Funny how I can be so defensive and harsh with my thoughts while sleeping. I am not sure what made me brew such thoughts in my head. It's vacation. I have to at least lighten up.

Lincs, you definitely have to wake up! Just watch movies for now.

I have to fix rough edges, trim excess threads, polish what needs to be polished, make my speech gentler and to be softer to myself.

We also need to take things slow. We should allow ourselves to take time to decide. Not to rush things and to say no when we have to say that two-letter word however hard it is to do so.

Dear me, there is an art to doing things. Instead of retorting with, "Because I do not want to," you may just smile and gently say, "I would love to but my current circumstance doesn't allow me to."

And dear me again, you don't need to sound so defensive... No one will eat you alive. You may take your time to answer. It's okay not to know things. Sometimes, it's better not to know than to know but hurt others.

It's much better to let go and give way sometimes. Dear me, you have to learn the ways of the world in order not to unnecessarily hurt yourself and others.

And I thank you, my dear self!

Clap clap clap clap...

Back to the slumber.

6
$ 2.72
$ 2.64 from @TheRandomRewarder
$ 0.05 from @dark_spirit666
$ 0.03 from @Ellehcim
Avatar for wakeuplincs
2 years ago

Comments

the promise that I make only to myself. that's why I don't want to make promises to other people. But with all of that, not something very bad. live and just face this life as it should

I believe you are a tough person.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

That is what I told myself to do. I guess I have to be firmer with my resolves.

Thank you. I should be.

$ 0.00
2 years ago

you can do it

$ 0.00
2 years ago