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I am back home try to write while I'm in bed. I use a pencil. I'm afraid the fontainpen leaves ink spots on the sheets As long as I keep writing I don't feel sick. I feel homesick but I am home but I don't feel at home. Being unwanted doesn't feel good but being hated is worse. It can always be worse dad said and it is true. Here it is worse and each day it's getting worse.
Waking up early is no fun. I have to day after day. It doesn't matter if it's weekend, a holiday, my birthday or Sunday. Living here means there's no rest not even at night. My mother can always come inside. The worst is if I'm already asleep. I try not to sleep because if I am it makes her madder at me. She drags me at my hair out of bed and punishes me if she is angry with her clients or other people. If I am asleep and she scolds at me, spit at me I never know what she is talking about and she wants me to repeat what she said. How can I repeat everything she says to me? I am tired but she doesn't care. She never cares about how I feel.
Today I had to hurry to catch the bus. Not that I like to join the hikers club but I have to. I hoped my parents forgot, I had good hope but my dad reminded me.
I better stop... I need to sleep and think she stands behind the door. I know she does just like that time she beat me up and climbed on a stool to look through the window above the bedroom's door. She loves to scare me. I should have never opened the door.
I wait, lay still, won't move and hope dad will call her or a client and she will leave.
April 17, 2021
She says I am sneaky and can't be trusted. She said it as I brought her her breakfast on bed. I made exactly what she ordered. It doesn't matter what I do she will always be angry with me.
She kept walking up and down in the hallway upstairs. "Crazy, crazy, crazy.... You make me crazy, crazy, crazy..."
She kept saying it for an hour or longer and I stood on the stairway and didn't know what to say. I think she is crazy but she cannot blame me for it. She always been that way...
I wanted her to stop. I didn't want to hear her voice anymore. She pushed me. I know she pushed me off the stairs and didn't care. She took her coat and left. She said: If I kill myself in the car it's your fault. I heard how she slammed the front door and was glad.
Grandpa said his geese told him he is mad but I think the geese know my mother is and not granddad.
I felt pain, my back and leg hurt but she left. I don't care if she drives into a canal or gets an accident. I don't care. I tried to lay still and looked at the wall next to the toilet door and counted the little dots in the wallpaper. It was the last thing I did before I fell asleep.
Dad said he found me. It was dark and he had carried me to bed. He said he couldn't wake me up. He had tried, shouted but I didn't wake up. I am not sure if it's true what he says. I don't care. The only thing I want is to sleep.
April 18, 2021
I woke up but couldn't open my eyes. I tried but I couldn't. I heard voices but no one spoke to me. Did I hide my diary? Did anyone find it? Where is my pencil?
Voices... I hear them but they don't hear me.
Someone asks what happened to me...
My diary, where is my diary? Did she tear it apart again?
I try to get out of bed but my body is frozen. I cannot move! What is wrong with me?
The voices... She should sleep...
Sleep, please, let me finally sleep.
Monday, is it Monday or? It's Monday I should be at school. Am I late again?
Don't touch me, let me sleep.