@wakeupkitty 25 November 2023 more from that month

Just Nobody is perfect *I am not different from other people or perhaps I am.* *I always tried to please people to start with my mother. It did not matter how hard I tried it was never good enough. I've always been "rewarded" by beating up with whips, belts, and dog lashes.* *There never was anything I wanted for me, no goals, no dreams. If you do not have any future perspective there's no need to look further than today or this moment. Surviving the next 5 minutes was already hard enough.* **What I want from life?** Nothing. Life cannot make up with me, the life, and joy I never had. What did I want? To make the beatings stop, to survive, to teach my children how to survive, to grow old enough they can take care of themselves. **If it comes to fears** My biggest fear was to be like my mother, my parents, and those who once were my family. I passed this station and am grateful my biggest fear helped me to avoid being such a person. Another fear was my ex, losing my children. A station I passed as well. The fears left are being homeless and dying in more pain than I ever had. **Strengths** An abusive childhood or relationship leaves scars. Scars don't heal and make one less flexible. I have many on the outside and inside. At a very young age, I gave up on crying and asking for help. I learned feared people will never help a molested child or woman. I learned how to survive myself. I even learned that being molested is not the worst that can happen. I learned to survive, to stand up each time I am kicked down. I allow myself to be depressed for some days, to feel bad for myself and then get back on my feet. I am great at finding solutions and able to keep a strict lifestyle. Those who are not doing me good I delete from my life. I rather be alone than share my life with someone who abuses me. Indeed I am good if not great in being alone and doing as I like. I guard my borders and live by my norms and values. **Flaws** `A dumb person learns from his experiences, a wise person from history.` I still intend to fall for certain lies, liars, and cheaters, have some faith left if it comes to people. I ignored my instinct because I was told I should not judge a book by its cover. Every single time I did it worked out bad for me, very bad. The only way to stay out of danger is if I listen to my instinct, avoid people as much as possible, set rules and take care of myself first. **A better version of myself** I don't think there's anything I can do to be a better version of myself. To achieve that I have to be me, know myself for 100% first. That's already hard enough since I am the product of how I've been raised, the society back then, the church's doctrine, discrimination, abuse, manipulations, lies and scams. I no longer try to please people, to be blamed or scolded. I try to be me, there's no need to be perfect or create a better version of me. Not even a robot could be that since its maker will never know the real me. *18-11-2023*

*The photo was taken by me*