Never a break

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Avatar for wakeupkitty
2 years ago

It is not that I never wanted to be a mother.

As a child, I said that I would have many children once I grew up. As a child, I didn't think about how difficult it could be to get pregnant, how hard a pregnancy is. I didn't think about being dumped by the father of the unborn because he thought he was too young to be a father. I didn't think about what it would be like to suffer hours of pain, to rip out or to be left with a dislocated pelvis. Pelvic instability, disability doesn't matter when you are a small child and not a single person talked about three days of heavy contractions after the labour.

I thought I would marry, have children and a family of my own.

A better, more loving family than the one I grew up in. Was having children a real choice or was it simply the result of the world I grew up in? The idea that as a girl, you get married and have children although, my mother worked and earned a living? She did but was really an exception when I was growing up. Mothers in those days stayed at home. They became and raised the children, kept the house clean, they cooked, baked, sewed clothes, organised parties and waited with a pot of tea at half-past three in the afternoon to listen to their children's stories, their adventures, worries and sadness before they went back to work. Darning socks, for example, or helping with homework, taking care of the animals and then setting the table for the evening meal and listening to what the husband had to say followed by bathing the children, telling them a bedtime story even though these mothers felt tired nearly collapsed and had hardly anything to eat.

Mother, she did it all while father entered the kitchen sat at the dinner table after a day's work. He had his coffee brought to him after he finished his meal and moved in front of the television, slumped over. Father said he had already worked hard enough, he didn't need to do anything.

I wanted children.

They made my life better in a certain way, no matter how busy I was because of them they gave me freedom. Freedom and the right to speak even society hardly took me serious because according to men I am a woman and the problem with women is that they can't think. I will never forget the man who said that to me, who truly meant what he said. I can't think.

Can be that according to him I am a stupid blond even if I am not but I build a life without a man, without all the responsibilities of taking care of a man. I don't need to listen to a man, not to ask his opinion first. I don't need to agree with any man or tiptoe because he is in a bad mood. I have been there and although my life isn't perfect and I never had big dreams, I don't have a long list of things to do I at least know what I don't want for me and my children. I don't want what my granny never wanted: a man who wants to be served, a man who goes out, has fun, continues with his life while I sacrifice myself by sitting home and drinking water because we are out of money because of his lifestyle. I don't want to be manipulated and indeed you are right if you say children can be very manipulative too. If it comes to children I know how they are, how they can trick, manipulate and abuse you but you know what? I am a mother and I do know my children. Even if I am busy, too busy or too sick I feel when something is wrong and I searched for ways to figure out what is going on for real.

I am a mother of different children.

Each child has its own needs, dreams (yes, even if they are not aware of them they have them) and as a mother, I do know my children more than anyone else. I know what they are capable of no matter if it's good or bad, I know if they lie or used the money I gave for something else than it was intended for. I know who drinks coffee, tea or likes hot chocolate and what could give them a better feeling even if it's only for a few minutes.

It was my choice to have children and although it has given me a lot of freedom, it is hard to always be just a mother because that is what I am. I am a mother and a supporter but that is all that has come from me. My many studies, all those jobs are actually a waste of money. That was it anyway because, as I said, we live in a man's world. A world that is ruled by men and where the voice of the average woman is not worth much. Of course, I laugh about that nowadays because, to be honest, the average woman still has her duty as a woman and is often the breadwinner as well. While she takes care of her children, the man looks after his children from time to time. A strange sensation when you think about it. Even famous books written by women about the difference between men and women, their emotional lives, still play on the compassion of the average woman. You don't understand what I mean' and 'Men live on Mars and women on Venus' are nice examples of this. Apparently, you as a person are not allowed to just be there. Just a parent or partner or carer - there always has to be a label or you don't count.

Not that the average person really counts. You have to have or be something special to belong. Mothers are often not special but they should be. For many years now, governments and communities have been complaining about the misbehaviour of youth. Shouldn't raising children become a task instead of letting them roam the streets or leave it to schools and neighbourhood clubs?

Being a mother, a housewife is a profession. Knowing your children is and it should be stimulated to spend quality time with your children, to listen to them and teach them something even if these children aren't always willing to listen (a teenage thing so start at a very young age or you might be too late to build a bond with your children).

I chose to have children and to take care of them. I am discounting myself and I am not going to sugarcoat it: I don't think being a mother is the most rewarding job there is. Maybe the day will come when I am genuinely happy that I am only seen as a mother and that I am not seen as an individual. I am the teenage mother, the divorced mother, the deliberately unmarried mother, the old mother. The mother who doesn't really count anymore but is there when a child is in trouble. I am the nanny mother, the foster mother, that nagging mother and maybe sometimes even that bad and rotten mother.

I am not perfect and I am tired of being perfect so I don't even try anymore.

I steal time and multitask so I have a little time to myself to sort out my thoughts.

I need this time to think and to stop multitasking to stay in touch with the person behind the mother others only see. A break I don't have because I do not smoke and drink no coffee. My thoughts that, except for my children, no one cares about because everyone is too busy with their own worries no matter how many tools, devices they have to make life easier.

I experienced being a child is not easy, my childhood was a horror, being a teenage mother is hard and never having someone who genuinely helps you is also a nasty disappointment, but I am glad that I have children even though our paths parted soon enough and I have only been in survival mode, they keep me alive and a part of the world we are living in. What would have become out of me without children? Would I've been able to build myself a life, to live and switch the survival-modus off?

Surviving a horrible childhood, loneliness, discrimination, being an unwanted and hated child, the body damage and the many pains that make it difficult to be a sweet mother and to keep hugging children... it all eats at me and it is hard to forget that it could have been very different.

Like an old mother, all I can say is that I hope my children will have a better life, a better future than I did. It certainly doesn't have to be my way but I do hope that they don't die of loneliness, sadness and hunger and can make something of their lives and above all can be individual.

An aimless life, not being allowed to be who you are, a life without activities gives negative energy and only depresses and in the end all you feel is emptiness.

I chose to have children and to take care of them.

I am discounting myself and I am not going to sugarcoat it: I don't think being a mother is the most rewarding job there is. Maybe the day will come when I am genuinely happy that I am only seen as a mother and that I am not seen as an individual. I am the teenage mother, the divorced mother, the deliberately unmarried mother, the old mother. The mother who doesn't really count anymore but is there when a child is in trouble. I am the nanny mother, the foster mother, that nagging mother and maybe sometimes even that bad and rotten mother.

I am not perfect and I am tired of being perfect so I don't even try anymore.

I steal time and multitask so I have a little time to myself to sort out my thoughts. Thoughts that, except for my children, no one cares about because everyone is too busy with their own worries. Being a child is not easy, my childhood was disappointing, being a teenage mother is hard and never having someone who genuinely helps you is also a nasty disappointment, but I am glad that I have children even though our paths parted soon enough and I have only been in survival mode.

Surviving a horrible childhood, loneliness, discrimination, being an unwanted and hated child, the body damage and the many pains that make it difficult to be a sweet mother and to keep hugging children... it all eats away at me and it is hard to forget that it could have been very different. As an old mother, all I can say is that I hope my children will have a better life, a better future than I did. It certainly doesn't have to be my way but I do hope that they don't die of loneliness, sadness and hunger and are able to make something of their lives.

An aimless life, a life without activities gives negative energy and only depresses.

#kittywu #parenting #mother #life #thoughts

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Avatar for wakeupkitty
2 years ago

Comments

You are an amazing person and an amazing mom. I hope you'll find the break and peace of mind.

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2 years ago

When in the midst of so much despair there is not a single point of desire left to survive and the moment when my children's hands reach out to me and hug me, I think I will try my best to survive again. I have two children and I have not left my children alone because they have kept me alive and they are a part of my body. Your writing is the best one for me today!

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2 years ago