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After I cleaned the house I had to hurry to catch the bus. It was waiting in front of the school next to mine. It was the first time I joined the club, the "Blue-White" club for people who love to walk kilometres through the country.
I have no idea where I went. Bus rides make me feel sick and so does being with strangers. My parents didn't take me over there I had to go alone. Worse is I know no one and just stood there like an idiot.
We all look the same. Same skirt and sweatshirt, boys trousers.
It was a long ride and the walk was even longer. We have to match in three rows and sing. We sing songs I never heard of but the woman says it sounds better to the jury. Jury? What jury?
It's clear we don't walk out of fun but to finish and win some contest. We need stamps and finish fast and show how great we can walk in the same pace. It all has to look perfect whatever perfect may look like. The one in the front has to carry the flag of the club. We walked 5 kilometres but it took hours to finish. At the finish we received a medal. It's my first. No idea what to do with it.
My feet hurt I have blisters. My feet are not made for walking and my shoes are bad.
January 30, 2021
My feet still hurt. My dad opened the blisters and that was it. There's no reason to cry or complain. Next week I have to go again and better shoes are not in it. The only plus is I won't be home.
After I cleaned the house I went to Sunday school. Sunday school is a better place to be than at home or at school. The teacher is kind, she tells stories and I like the time to spend on craftwork.
The rest of the day was dull. I try to stay out of my mother's way so she won't get mad with me but at times it is difficult. I never know how she will react. With her, you never know. She has too many faces and too many mood swings. She can be so nice to a client on the phone but as soon as she finished the conversation.... I see her face change and so does her voice. I wonder how people can change their voice that fast.
January 31, 2021
As I woke up it was dark outside. I don't mind the darkness I am not afraid in the dark. It makes it easier to hide and find my way. I do mind that feeling inside of me. Is it the worm my mother says I have? Did it crinkle from my brain into my chest? If I wake up it hurts. I try to breathe in and out till the pain is gone and I can get out of bed. I don't know why it hurts. Did I dream something? Something I can not remember? Dad said I was sleepwalking and came downstairs but I don't think so. I can not remember it and I would never go downstairs. Downstairs is forbidden and it would make my mother angry.
February 1, 2021
Dad sent me to bed early. It was 5 p.m. I am not allowed to speak and have to stay in bed. I am not tired. 5 p.m. is early or?
He is in the room next door. I know he is and that's why I have to be quiet. He says he cannot think if he hears noises. There's a man with him in the room. I can hear his voice but I don't know what they are talking about. I only saw my mother this morning. It's okay if I don't see her. If she is home everything is different and she only shouts my parent's fight. They always fight about money, money and family. It's not true what people say love doesn't overcome everything. Perhaps a lot of money does but love is gone if worries start. Grandpa died he can not help, he died. I hope he is happy now and found some peace far, far away from us.
I still don't know where his grave is. Perhaps I can visit him one day.
Time slowly passes by if you can't sleep.
February 2, 2021
Someone died. I don't know her but she travelled to another country. She went to a hotel where many died. I don't believe the hotel did it. If you want to die you go where others go. If you are at such a place you don't feel so lonesome because you are with people who understand you. I think that is the best place to be. She didn't take her medication and said she doesn't want to live like this. I understand her. I do.
Some people said she was killed and coincidence doesn't exist but it does. Coincidence is everywhere if you search for it and believe in it.
Dead people are everywhere if you only want to see them. It's the same with sick people, old, or divorced people...
Perhaps my parents will divorce too. I don't think they like being together. Grandpa didn't want my mother to marry my dad and my dad's parents were against it too. Now my parents only fight, my grandfathers are dead and no one likes each other. I think my family hates each other, my aunts, uncles... No one is really kind. They just fight.
February 3, 2021
There's a new girl. She's the new housekeeper. She looks nice but I think she is very young. I hope my mother won't hurt her.
February 4, 2021
The headmaster was angry with me. He hit me and I had to scrub the wall of the school. I had to apologize although I don't understand for what. Together with other children I draw and wrote on the wall with a crayon. I didn't steal the crayon but bought it in the shop with my mother.
The headmaster has a huge belly and his trousers are underneath it. He isn't a kind man. He's the teacher of the 6th grade too.